tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-75755569859837278362024-02-22T01:30:50.637-05:00Here on EarthK8Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10612070229504684351noreply@blogger.comBlogger108125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7575556985983727836.post-14242689453803641282010-04-15T13:47:00.003-04:002010-04-15T14:30:19.739-04:00Here We Go...I got the job. I'm processing it, and dealing with it. I know I'll survive, as long as Wesley is okay. So we'll see how daycare goes, and just as with the job search I'm praying for God's will to be done because I'm too partial to know which outcome to pray for.<br /><br />Thankfully, Michael has decided that we will use a real daycare. He doesn't want a falling out with his aunt if something happens, and I'm just glad he finally heard me. I am slowly but surely learning how be a good wife and share my concerns in a way that allows Michael to change his mind and still let it be his decision. :)<br /><br />Wesley has a sinus infection, but by Monday he should be feeling a lot better, because the doctor put him on antibiotics today. Oh boy, I start Monday and have to leave him with strangers before he's all better. I'll be okay, I promise.<br /><br />Tomorrow I'm going to visit the daycares, make a decision, and get him set up. I would have gone today, but I didn't have anyone to leave him with, and I want to spend every minute with him anyway.<br /><br />The last thing I'm worried about is being able to pump enough breastmilk. My new employer has more than 50 employees, so they have to let me pump. Still, I don't want it to be an issue because I don't want to be 'that employee'. So, I'm praying that I'll know the right words to say, and that they'll support my efforts to keep breastfeeding.K8Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10612070229504684351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7575556985983727836.post-61087658398672957472010-04-13T09:41:00.003-04:002010-04-13T16:25:52.288-04:00Trying to stay positiveI have a third interview/staff meet 'n' greet with a potential employer tomorrow. I am happy about this. I really am. It means Michael and I can start looking for land or a maybe a house that's already built. It means that if either of us needs a new vehicle at any time in the future we will be able to afford it. It means I can buy gifts for my family and friends without worrying about whether or not I'm spending too much money. It means I can stop following the progress of unemployment extensions being passed or delayed by Congress. It means that, at least while I'm at work, I'll be able to go to the bathroom, eat, and drink when I need or want to.<br /><br />It also means that I have to entrust Wesley's care to someone else. Someone who won't do as good a job as I can. Someone who may not be willing to hold him so he sleeps when he needs to. Someone who might not be as responsive to his cries as I am. Someone who might put him in a walker. Someone who might think TV is a good way to keep him occupied. Someone who might let him sleep instead of waking him to eat because they didn't hold him so he could sleep before and when they finallly got him to sleep on his own they didn't want to wake him. Someone who might feel that letting him cry it out or (when he's older) spanking is appropriate.<br /><br />I dreamt about the perfect daycare last night. One adult for every two babies, cameras in every room with live continuous internet transmission, a nursing/pumping room, separate refrigerator for breast milk, three infant rooms (napping/quiet, playing, and crying/fussy) with one permanent worker in each room aside from the one for every two babies, guaranteed tummy time every day, no walkers, no TV, and a nurse on staff. If we could find that, I might be okay.<br /><br />Unfortunately, it doesn't exist, at least not here. So, I shall have to place my faith in God that Michael's aunt will be a good and honest caretaker and follow our rules even if/when she doesn't agree. I have to trust that if she can't do that or she feels she's not able to give him the care he deserves that she'll tell us. And I have to trust in my ability to recognize any negative changes in Wesley, discern the cause, and fix it.K8Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10612070229504684351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7575556985983727836.post-87935002117637687392010-03-24T11:36:00.002-04:002010-03-24T11:50:42.904-04:00MotivatedDespite the rather gloomy mood of my last two posts, I have been feeling incredibly motivated the last few days. I'm motivated to lose weight, exercise, eat better, be a better wife and mother, find a job, grow closer to God and my family, and enjoy my life.<br /><br />I feel as though I'm on the edge of a cliff, and my choices are to walk away and keep my feet firmly on the ground, or jump just to see if I can grow wings and fly. Maybe now is the time in my life that I should jump, because I've spent my life walking away. But now, I don't two solid options to choose between. I don't really even have two options, or anything to choose. I still feel like jumping. I think I'll jump and find out what I'm jumping into.K8Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10612070229504684351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7575556985983727836.post-43102052929344642172010-03-23T09:43:00.000-04:002010-03-23T16:02:09.138-04:00In His HandsMy brother-in-law has cancer. This is his third, and most aggressive, recurrence. He is in God's hands, and it seems as though he is being called home.<br /><br />He is scheduled for a clinical trial in about one week, but his doctors say they can only delay the inevitable. This time, the cancer is too aggressive and in too many places.<br /><br />So we are praying for a miracle, and for acceptance of God's will. Please pray for him and his family. Thank you!K8Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10612070229504684351noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7575556985983727836.post-68296792506974122162010-03-12T16:05:00.002-05:002010-03-12T16:24:37.063-05:00depression or baby blues?I am struggling. I'm not sure if it's postpartum depression or just baby blues. The reason I am not sure is because some days (some hours) I'm okay, and other days (other hours) I'm not. When I feel like I've gotten enough sleep I'm usually okay, but not always. If I'm tired, I'm rarely okay. But the mood always goes away. When I'm down, I feel like I'm down more and more often and it's not getting better. When I'm okay, I'm generally happy and I feel like it's getting better, and I try not to think about the down times because I hope it won't come back.<br /><br />This roller coaster is more than just physically draining, which doesn't help the sleep situation. Wesley won't sleep in his crib for more than two hours, and it's rare for him to sleep that long. Most of the time I'm lucky to get an hour, so I'm not getting a lot of sleep. It only takes about 30 minutes to get him back to sleep enough to put down, but I can only do that so many times in one night. And when I'm just too tired to do it anymore, I take him to bed with me.<br /><br />I'm not letting myself become completely exhausted because I give up on the crib thing before that happens, but I'm not really getting enough sleep either.<br /><br />So here's the question: which came first, the roller coaster of emotion or the unreliable amounts of sleep?<br /><br />Somehow, I think having a job would actually help the emotional issues because I would have something else to focus on, but I don't have a job and I don't think having one would help with sleeping. I couldn't possibly keep trying to get him to sleep in his crib if I have to wake up in the morning, go to work and be useful.<br /><br />But that's moot because I don't have a job offer anyway. So now I feel like I'm rambling, but the upshot is that I feel like this is never going to end, like I'm never going to be able to get enough sleep again, and I really miss my husband. I feel like I never get to see him and I certainly never get to sleep with him (in any way).<br /><br />And through all of that, I feel so incredibly stupid and ungrateful. I have been given a wonderful gift in my little Wes-man. He is cute and wonderful and he's been ahead of the curve since he started lifting his head off my shoulder in the hospital. His social smile started around three weeks, and he's already trying to crawl and sit up (if he's mostly up anyway). He's my little genius and I am so blessed, so why can't I just be happy?K8Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10612070229504684351noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7575556985983727836.post-28369108111852422222010-03-08T10:53:00.002-05:002010-03-08T12:57:14.866-05:00Baby MonitorI HATE our baby monitor. It only transmits when it detects sounds, and the threshold is WAY higher than it should be in my opinion. As in, if the baby is not crying the monitor will stop transmitting, even if it the noise which began the transmission continues but does not escalate.<br /><br />When I am awake it's not really a problem because my Mommy Super Hearing has kicked in, and I can hear him no matter where I am in the house. However, I am getting only about half the sleep I was getting before he was born, so when I fall asleep I sleep very deeply. Therefore a monitor that only transmits when it detects a noise and stops transmitting if that noise does not escalate is not at all useful to me.<br /><br />This morning I began searching for another baby monitor, and can find nothing in any of the item descriptions or reviews regarding this annoying little 'feature'. I can understand why it's not mentioned. Who would buy a monitor if the description clearly states that it only transmits when it thinks your baby needs you? Or even (more realistically) that it only transmits when it detects a noise?<br /><br />So, to the mothers who read my blog, please let me know if you have a monitor that doesn't do this, and give me the model number so I can get it!K8Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10612070229504684351noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7575556985983727836.post-47332722214871728002010-02-25T15:04:00.002-05:002010-02-25T15:26:14.813-05:00TrustI have always had issues with trust. I don't trust people to understand me, love me, or accept me just as I am. I don't trust that Michael won't get mad at me for the things I do or don't do, or that he trusts that I don't do things (or buy things) without reason. I don't trust that I can be a good mother, that I have enough discipline to lose the weight I want to lose, or that I can be a good wife for the rest of Michael's life.<br /><br />I know that Michael loves me, but I don't trust it, so I read into his comments and pull out meanings he didn't even realize the words could have. I know that I have been given all the gifts and grace I need to conquer my earthly desires and be a good wife and mother, but I don't trust it.<br /><br />Lately, God has been trying to get me to let go and trust. All of these issues come down to not really trusting Him. I don't trust that He has put people in my life who really love me. I don't trust that He has given those people the graces they need to put up with me. Somehow, even with everything that has been provided to me, I don't trust that He will provide me with everything I need.<br /><br />I'm working on that. God is leading me into a deeper trust in Him. He has just shown me the need for it in the past few weeks, and I can feel Him working in my heart and mind, encouraging me to take the actions that show trust in a 'fake it until you make it' fashion.<br /><br />That has always been my way. 'Fake it until you make it' is kind of a personal mantra. I have to do something before it can become real for me. One thing I do trust is that God knows that and He loves it about me. I think that's a really good place for this trust thing to start.K8Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10612070229504684351noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7575556985983727836.post-61135605542884357192010-02-22T12:55:00.002-05:002010-02-22T13:18:33.505-05:00It's the little things...That make you appreciate where you are in life. Little victories that you can claim and treasure. Right now, I'm happy to report that I am typing this post with two hands. A little victory made possible by the fact that Wesley is sitting in his bouncer seat, happily looking around and kicking.<br /><br />I'm ignoring the fact that that's all I have to talk about regarding Wes, unless you want a diaper count, tales of nursing marathons thanks to an impending growth spurt, or the riveting saga of how long it took to get out of the house to go to church yesterday.<br /><br />I shall assume you don't, and move on to random thoughts I've had over the past few days.<br /><br />Lysacek won! Yay! Plushenko's a turd.<br /><br />US is ahead in medal count. Shock.<br /><br />Sarcasm really doesn't do well online.<br /><br />I miss my sister, but we both have infants and I never know when to call, especially since we never seem to have anything to talk about.<br /><br />I finally decided on what I'm giving up for Lent. It's not going to be easy, but for the first time I think I'm giving up something that's really important to God. I don't think He really cares about what I've given up in the past, because it was never anything that really seperated me from Him. This year, I think I'm really beginning to understand what Lent is about, and how much of a journey it's supposed to be.<br /><br />It's really sad when a government tax form says "Remember to write you Social Security number on you check."<br /><br />It really sucks that we have to pay state taxes this year. Our federal refund more than covers it, but I induced for a reason!<br /><br />And that was a short-lived victory, but I enjoyed it. Time to hold Wesley!K8Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10612070229504684351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7575556985983727836.post-36430762388063406572010-02-16T12:17:00.004-05:002010-02-16T13:21:30.152-05:00Pfizer? I have a great idea...I'm very, very ill. It came on suddenly, and the doctor says there's no usable cure. I'll just have to live with it for the next 10 months or so, then the symptoms will slowly fade for the next 17 years. Then I might be free, but it's more likely that there will be a recurrence in the next few years, and the cycle will start again.<br /><br />What is this horrible disease? Cabin fever. Normally, the cure would be to go away for a few days, or even a few hours, and have no responsibilities to deal with. That won't work when you have an infant, however, especially if you're breastfeeding. First I would have to have someone I completely trust to care for Wesley. I don't. Then I would have to go somewhere that would have a place for me to pump every two or two and a half hours so I could preserve my supply, which would be a responsibility. And finally, I would have to relax and trust that Wesley would not need me.<br /><br />Therein lies the major downfall. If I really had to, I could drive to my mom's house and have her take care of him, and I could manage pumping, even while out and about. BUT, I know I could not relax for more than a couple hours. I would have to call to make sure he was okay, and if I heard him crying I would have to go to him. Even if he was okay when I called, when I did go back to him and he started to cry, as he inevitably would, I would feel horrible about leaving him and all the good would be undone.<br /><br />So. Not much I can do. I just have to live with it, and hope I can find the strength to cope. I'm having trouble with not being able to eat when I'm hungry or sleep when I'm tired, or go shopping when I'm stressed, or put Wesley down when my back and arms hurt. I also miss typing with two hands. And milk. Wesley gets gas when I drink it.<br /><br />I know I'll survive, but right now I really wish they made a cure for cabin fever in pill form.K8Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10612070229504684351noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7575556985983727836.post-16826693476295164982010-02-14T21:44:00.002-05:002010-02-14T22:17:21.101-05:00Valentine's ExpectationsIt's amazing to me how having a child has brought me and Michael closer together. Though I've always known him well, I feel like all the things I knew have really sunk in. <br /><br />I know he's not a romantic. I know he would like to be, because he knows how much I would appreciate a little more romance.<br /><br />I know he's a good father. He doesn't have any experience, and he's learning slowly, but he is a <em>good</em> father and our kids will never understand how lucky they are to have him, because that's what being a good father is about.<br /><br />I know he's a good son and brother. His family is going through a tough time right now, and he is there for them. From humoring his father to supporting his sister, he is there and he loves them.<br /><br />I know he's not book smart. He doesn't like to read anything, and his reading comprehension isn't great. That's okay, I can cover that.<br /><br />I know he's smart. He can look at anything mechanical, architectural, structural, or anything else like that, and probably figure out how to set it up, fix it, or make it better. That's good, because I'm completely clueless.<br /><br />I know he has a good heart. He is a volunteer firefighter. He will go out of his way to help anyone who needs it.<br /><br />I know he loves me. I know that love grew when Wesley was born, as mine did for him. I know that no matter what life or hell or our own personal demons throw at us, he will be there for me. I know that because I've already put him through hell, and he's still here.<br /><br />Because of all of those things, and so many more, I know that Valentine's Day is not a huge deal. It used to be a big deal to me. So did my birthday and our anniversary and his birthday and Christmas. Now, they each have their own significance but they are not terribly significant to our relationship. If we have a bad day one year, there will be a next year, so long as we're both alive. If there isn't a next year, then one bad day, regardless of the day, will not define our relationship.<br /><br />Yes, life changes when you have a baby, and that includes your expectations. I honestly don't care that we didn't do anything for Valentine's Day, except spend time at home together. Nothing special, and not particularly meaningful since we have done that every weekend since Wes was born. And yet, I'm not dissapointed, as I would have been last year. You know, I'm really starting to feel grown up. :)K8Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10612070229504684351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7575556985983727836.post-4189794313638590762010-02-05T09:06:00.002-05:002010-02-05T09:09:29.194-05:00NASCARRacing season is about to start again. Blech. This is a post I wrote last year at the start of the season, but I never hit the publish button. I've decided to bring you its brilliance now. :)<br /><br />I have a confession: I live in the south and I hate watching cars go around and around in a circle. That's right: I think it's pointless to watch cars go around and around in a circle. I imagine you're already tired of the phrase 'watch cars go around and around in a circle.' Now you imagine how boring it is to be forced to watch cars go around and around in a circle. <br /><br />He says he watches cars go around and around in a circle waiting for them to crash. He says it's only the crashes he really cares about. So why do we have to watch them go around and around in a circle before they crash? Why can't we just DVR the stupid race and fast forward and only watch the crashes? "Because we have to build excitement. You watch the cars go around and hear the announcers talking, you watch them race for position and develop their pit strategy. Then, suddenly, one announcer gets interrupted because there's a crash. There's 'the big one'." Yeah, sure, he only cares about the crashes. <br /><br />I'm really glad NASCAR made the cars safer. Now they go around and around in a circle LONGER before they crash. Now the crashes aren't as big. Now, you might not even have 'the big one'. One day, we might even have a race with no crash at all. Will we watch that one? You betcha! We will have to figure out how all 43 cars avoided crashing for the entire race. How did they all go around and around in a circle without hitting each other? <br /><br />I have the answer. All of the normal racers will have gotten sick from the food they all ate the night before. NASCAR wants to keep the fans happy and still have the race. Sponsers still want the money they spent to do them some good. So, someone comes up with an idea: substitute drivers. Who would be willing to race, though? Who loves these drivers so much that they would be willing to go around and around in a circle for HOURS for no good reason? Their wives/girlfriends/daughters. All of the male NASCAR people whisper, "Women? Can we do that? Will the fans be ok with that?" "We don't have a choice," they say to each other. "We'll have to use the women." *SIGH* "OK, we'll use the women."K8Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10612070229504684351noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7575556985983727836.post-10681009087122176142010-01-28T13:41:00.005-05:002010-02-02T17:14:42.561-05:00Breastfeeding and a ChiropracterIs a (slightly painful) adventure. I know it's not 'supposed' to hurt, but a lot of things aren't supposed to be the way they are. For me and my little barracuda, a little pain is a part of the process. And, I'll admit, sticking with it makes me feel like a little bit of a hero. Every time I go to the doctor or talk with anyone about breastfeeding, I'm congratulated and told how wonderful it is that I'm doing it. I really revel in that. It feels good to know that people know how hard it is and how easy it would be to give up.<br /><br />Please don't get me wrong. I don't think formula feeding makes parenting any easier, and I don't think there's anything wrong with formula feeding. Whether breastfeeding doesn't work or isn't possible in the first place for whatever reason, the most important thing is making sure baby is fed. The only person I think worse of for not breastfeeding is my mother-in-law, but only because the only reason she didn't breastfeed was because she couldn't be bothered to educate herself. That said, if I switched to formula now, I would feel like I was giving up because it is working, despite the difficulties and minor pain.<br /><br />Anyway, a great perk of breastfeeding is the group meeting I found for breastfeeding moms. If I find a job, it will definitely be at the top of my negotiation list to be able to continue going. Being able to pump at work will be more important, but hopefully I'll be able to find a job that will allow both.<br /><br />That same group suggested I take Wesley to a chiropracter because he wouldn't eat on one side, sleep on his back, or eat without spitting up copious amounts. So I took him to the chiropracter, and all is solved. He still spits up a little, but not near as much. So my little squeaker is doing much better, and I am so happy! I know chiropractic care seems a little overboard for a newborn, but it is so worth it, and it was very gentle. It just looked to me like he was rubbing Wesley's back. :)K8Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10612070229504684351noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7575556985983727836.post-36109956574881957722009-12-31T07:40:00.011-05:002010-01-21T16:58:34.760-05:00My Precious BoyWesley is here and well. Better than well, actually, he's fantastic! He was born at seven pounds, four ounces, and 19.75 inches. All that heartburn I suffered through was well worth it for his beautiful head of dark hair, and contrary to popular belief, not all babies are born with blue eyes. We were not quite sure what color his eyes were when he was born, but they weren't blue and they've since turned to a gray-brown that I've never seen before, and I'm completely in love with it.<br /><br />I don't have a picture that fully captures his greatness yet, but I doubt a picture will ever compare to him in person, so you'll have to make do with what I have. These pictures are copyrighted by JCPenney.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUGom01plX6u4WMvDFHbJ6Pq82hu1w3At3d9_44t_QtE-x9MvLEMOkobqggFYGixQsqADO1msz3TIXW1SoawjjACZBbMh546OMl7c0GLCFMxPS_VzUwqULsvEZyVK3ARMaHrpUpZ9o-CI/s1600-h/the+whole+family.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 250px; height: 312px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUGom01plX6u4WMvDFHbJ6Pq82hu1w3At3d9_44t_QtE-x9MvLEMOkobqggFYGixQsqADO1msz3TIXW1SoawjjACZBbMh546OMl7c0GLCFMxPS_VzUwqULsvEZyVK3ARMaHrpUpZ9o-CI/s320/the+whole+family.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5429244961607385314" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjVpHBLykKkrrRLhI6wvhk5HNoC5U1_zBBPak94Cn2NvWYVits_tdsp0DqCwjYUspdc0fifeMzZaGBOb_UGwwXGijHEdaEsUlJX2kFfm7ur3SZ3DmI-pYeADzeZAxzj-af3sGquxKQf4U/s1600-h/laying+on+back.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 312px; height: 250px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjVpHBLykKkrrRLhI6wvhk5HNoC5U1_zBBPak94Cn2NvWYVits_tdsp0DqCwjYUspdc0fifeMzZaGBOb_UGwwXGijHEdaEsUlJX2kFfm7ur3SZ3DmI-pYeADzeZAxzj-af3sGquxKQf4U/s320/laying+on+back.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5429244958190310050" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidSDqPjIu54IAm2JAgjnorNZflf1NbQFbwa5ANvPKbBwr1AAZ7RP1_qWuCs3t395vj0tuHs4tti9kM514Huo-tg02W36YDF-1T_zJwvDdx42taBC8ixT9IRheRGJ5xnjgu8ZPaarV2YJI/s1600-h/my+boys.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 250px; height: 312px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidSDqPjIu54IAm2JAgjnorNZflf1NbQFbwa5ANvPKbBwr1AAZ7RP1_qWuCs3t395vj0tuHs4tti9kM514Huo-tg02W36YDF-1T_zJwvDdx42taBC8ixT9IRheRGJ5xnjgu8ZPaarV2YJI/s320/my+boys.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5429244949867756914" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6t-KEjhx5G4qlChcqU7SYoQRxr9A0fwP7D4730UrQB1QC-AutobXrVcQAaIIvrEnRmePTlJgOJQcxxbAgzE-dwkQMFT9ZlJ14DhPIZE4SpbbJK3I39NaaJvzNrAkR6tbtXogQxXU8eRc/s1600-h/looking+at+camera.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 250px; height: 312px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6t-KEjhx5G4qlChcqU7SYoQRxr9A0fwP7D4730UrQB1QC-AutobXrVcQAaIIvrEnRmePTlJgOJQcxxbAgzE-dwkQMFT9ZlJ14DhPIZE4SpbbJK3I39NaaJvzNrAkR6tbtXogQxXU8eRc/s320/looking+at+camera.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5429244945309354898" /></a><br /><br />As you can see, he is the cutest baby ever. I love, Love, LOVE the picture of Wesley and Michael. I have more pictures to post that we have taken ourselves, but I haven't downloaded them to the computer yet. Hopefully I'll get that done soon, but one thing I have learned well is to not make plans or set time-specific goals.K8Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10612070229504684351noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7575556985983727836.post-42415782856016347322009-12-28T09:51:00.002-05:002009-12-28T10:59:15.995-05:00I was wrong...Darn it. So we're still waiting...and I'm to the point now where I'm done. The contractions got to about seven minutes apart, but it was really late so I went to bed, fully expecting to be woken by contractions in a few hours. But I wasn't. They stopped completely. Then yesterday I had contractions, and they got to about five minutes apart, and then they slowed down, and stopped. Grrr...<br /><br />There is an end, though. At my appointment this morning I was about 3 cm and she said I was almost zero station, which means he really could come anytime. They cancelled the Foley catheter, so if he hasn't come by Wednesday, I'll go into the hospital for Pitocin then. At the latest, he will be here Thursday. They would have let me go in today, I think, but I really want to give him as much time to come naturally as I can, and still get him here before the new year.<br /><br />Even now, though I am ready, I'm not desperate for him to come, and I'm thankful for that. Saturday was hard, after thinking that I was on my way to the hospital, but I'm okay now. I'm still sick of people asking me if I'm okay, but that's really the worst part.K8Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10612070229504684351noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7575556985983727836.post-91018740198158779652009-12-25T22:02:00.003-05:002009-12-25T22:09:20.348-05:00Merry ChristmasOur Christmas was a fairly quiet one, spent mostly with Michael's family. We exchanged gifts, and as always, his parents went way overboard. It's nice though, in a way, because I know his mom really enjoys shopping for everyone and seeing us open everything. And she got me some more of the thick fuzzy socks I love so much. :)<br /><br />I decided to write tonight because I think I am in labor. The very early stage, anyway. I'm pretty sure that if I am the later stages will not garner an "I think" so much as a "I'm in labor and if you bug me you'll regret it!"<br /><br />If what I'm feeling are contractions, they are 10-20 minutes apart, lasting about 20-40 seconds. I would like to say I'm sure, but I'd hate to be wrong. I'll update as I can. Merry Christmas!K8Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10612070229504684351noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7575556985983727836.post-83482775160368064972009-12-23T11:10:00.003-05:002009-12-23T11:28:08.728-05:00Come on Wesley!At my appointment this morning I was 2 cm, and Wesley was in a posterior position. The midwife didn't say anything about effacement, but I assume it's advancing as well, since she said I probably won't need to go in on the 29th for the Foley catheter. Here's hoping I won't need the induction at all.<br /><br />She stripped my membranes again, so that might move things along more too. It didn't hurt as much as last week, but she said she was pretty rough, so maybe it just hurts more when your cervix is less dilated. Or maybe it's just the difference between midwives.<br /><br />Originally I was dreading being in the hospital on Christmas, but now I'm thinking I wouldn't mind so much. Being in the hospital (or even in labor and waiting to go to the hospital) would mean I wouldn't have to go to Michael's parents' or aunt's house and eat wierd food and pretend that this is my ideal Christmas. So, I wouldn't mind being in the hospital on Christmas...or anytime now, since I'd still be unable/unwilling to leave the house even if I wasn't in the hospital.K8Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10612070229504684351noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7575556985983727836.post-48378526192483731342009-12-22T07:52:00.002-05:002009-12-22T08:12:10.260-05:00Vivid DreamsI was right. With a little perspective, and time, and a little crying jag, yesterday morning actually wasn't so bad. Gotta love those hormones.<br /><br />Can I also blame the hormones for the incredibly vivid dreams I've been having? At least once a week for the past few months, I've had dreams that seem so realistic. Maybe realistic isn't the right word, though, because it's certainly nothing that would ever happen in real life.<br /><br />Last night I was back in high school and Mark, the guy I was completely in love with actually wanted to be with me (awesome!), but things were just a little off. For one thing, we slept together (as in really sleeping, nothing else), but I wouldn't have even done that, especially not in my house with my mom sleeping down the hall. Then when we woke up in the morning he wanted to tell Mom he slept there and that he wanted to marry me, and even though we didn't have sex I was very worried about getting pregnant...then I remembered that I already was and was relieved. Then I got mad at Mark for something and stole his care and drove to school. Somehow I managed to drive onto the median. Mark appeared and moved the car into a parking spot, but he did it with his hands. He literally picked the car up and put it down in the parking spot. Twilight, much? Well, yeah, turns out Mark was a vampire. I came to terms with that and then woke up.<br /><br />The night before last Michael's mom was coming at me with a knife and yelling at me for not being Indian. I tried to remind her that she had another son to marry off to a proper Indian girl and she shouldn't worry about Michael because he didn't really want to bring his children up in the Indian culture anyway. Then she started chasing me and saying she was going to kill me, so I ran to our neighbor's house and he let me inside and called 911. I actually remember the conversation I had with the 911 operator, and feeling relief when I heard the sirens outside the house before she managed to break in.<br /><br />Of course, I wasn't ever pregnant in high school, Mark was not a vampire, Michael and his family are not Indian, and I assume his mother doesn't actually want to kill me (thought I suspect she's not happy about me being Catholic and Michael converting, so that dream may have come from that).<br /><br />And those were just the dreams from this week. I've had three of these really vivid dreams before, two of which used to be repetetive, but I haven't had them in a few years. So, three in my whole life, and now I'm having them at least once a week. I hope it stops after Wesley is born. I'm starting to be a little paranoid about how much I'm dreaming about Mark, though most of the time it's really Michael it just looks like Mark. It's still really wierd, and I hope it's the hormones.K8Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10612070229504684351noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7575556985983727836.post-65249060870825800932009-12-21T10:57:00.002-05:002009-12-21T11:19:10.068-05:00Crappy MorningHow's your morning going? If it's going well, you might not want to read this post. While I'm aware that nothing that happened this morning was actually horrible, it all added up to a horrible morning for me, possibly only because I'm pregnant and hormonal.<br /><br />What happened between my last blog post and now? Well, the first thing was the interview being canceled until after Christmas, when I might not be able to make it because I will likely either be in the hospital or recovering from child birth.<br /><br />Then, I had to go out to Michael's mom's house because he wanted me to put FRAGILE stickers on the camcorder we just sold on eBay for shipping. Well...on the box...but anyway, that meant I had to deal with his mother's inane conversation on her usual topics of my pregnancy and her 'schedule'. Yeah, she doesn't work. She doesn't have kids at home. She doesn't have a frickin schedule, and I'm really tired of hearing about how much stuff she has to do.<br /><br />Then I went and shipped the stupid camcorder, and the shipping cost three times as much as Michael decided to charge the buyer. We sold a $600 camcorder for $135, and lost $16 on the shipping. All because he wouldn't listen to me about the shipping charges. I am really okay with selling the camcorder for whatever we could get for it (within reason, which I felt $135 for a three-year-old used camcorder was). But losing money on the shipping because he wouldn't listen to advice from his WIFE? Not reasonable. Not even close to reasonable.<br /><br />THEN, I got home and found myself locked out of the house. I keep my keys in my purse. Michael used them last night to lock the door and didn't put them back. I thought they were in my purse, when in fact, they were on the dryer. So, who comes to my rescue? Not Michael, because he's at work and on his way out of town. Michael's mom! YAY! I get to see and have to converse with Michael's mom twice in the space of an hour because he insists that she have a key to the house.<br /><br />And THEN?!?! Instead of getting out of her car and handing me the keys to MY OWN HOUSE, or better yet staying in the car and handing me the keys, she got out of the car, marched up to MY door, and proceeded to unlock MY house. Then, she opens the door really slowly, because she simply assumes that I'm irresponsible enough to have left Harley out and she doesn't want him to get out. Except that I'm not. And her son is the irresponsible one, because if he had put MY keys back where they belonged, I wouldn't have been locked out of the house.<br /><br />God forbid, though, that she let go of 'her' keys for two seconds and show me the respect I deserve. But, obviously, in her eyes I'm still a child, just like she sees her son, no matter how much she pretends to respect me. And if we take 'her' keys from her for any reason, the last thing she says is always "Make sure you get those back to me!"<br /><br />Because, apparently, she has a right to have keys to our house. NOT! But Michael doesn't want to argue it with her, and he wants her to feel useful, and he wants her to have them in case of emergencies. Like this one. Except that he caused the emergency, and I would rather have driven to get his keys from him even though he was about 30 minutes away.<br /><br />And now? Michael just called and he wants me to call his father at work. I JUST WILL NOT! I hate this place, and I hate Michael's interfering family who won't just leave us alone!<br /><br />*We apologize, this special post has been interrupted so the pregnant blogger can have a major temper tantrum. She likely will not return today.*K8Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10612070229504684351noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7575556985983727836.post-41747850733064789292009-12-21T08:05:00.002-05:002009-12-21T08:58:16.330-05:00I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas Eve Eve Eve EveI woke up this morning to freezing temperatures and sparkly frost covering everything! This is the closest this area ever gets to a white Christmas, and it came four days early! So not cool. Especially since the weather on Christmas is supposed to be a high in the mid-60s and rainy.<br /><br />But, since it's all I can get, I'll take it, mostly because I can stay inside, nice and cozy warm, while looking outside at the pretty sparkly field behind my house (at least until the sun comes up a little more).<br /><br />I have had one white Christmas. I visited my dad in Atlanta one year, and it snowed 2 inches on Christmas Eve. Dad said it was because I was there and winter was showing off just for me. :) I had never actually been in snow before, and I was fascinated by the fact that it actually was in flakes. I even did a snow angel (which basically just cleared the snow and left a grass angel) and built a family of very tiny snowpeople. I will always cherish that Christmas with my dad.<br /><br />On a very different note, I had a job interview today, but one of the interviewers had a death in the family, so the interviews are being postponed until after Christmas. Which is okay, I guess, except that I might be in the hospital when they want me to come in. And even if I'm not, I can't start working until February 1, at the earliest. I would prefer to not start working until March 1, but I'm going to have to take a job if I can get it, because I've come to terms with something recently.<br /><br />I can't be a stay at home mom. I would love to be, but Michael just doesn't make enough money right now. It's true that he makes enough for us to live on, but it's not enough to get the things I want, namely a house. I simply can't raise more than one child in this house. I don't even want to think about having another child until we have another house, or at least begin building one. We can't do that until I have a job. Michael also needs a new truck. His is 14 years old. It still seems to run fine, it's true, but it's practically a senior citizen. I'm afraid that, eventually, its 'heart' will just give out. And, finally, since I have to work, I want Wesley to be in a good daycare. I don't want Michael's mom or aunt or family friend watching him. I have different reasons for each, but I'm just not comfortable with any of those options, and I'm not leaving my child with any of them.<br /><br />So, I have to have a job, preferrably one that's above minimum wage, but I'll take what I can get.K8Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10612070229504684351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7575556985983727836.post-2375618647793296652009-12-17T11:47:00.002-05:002009-12-17T12:10:35.859-05:00Induction ScheduledThis morning at my weekly doctor's appointment, I was still 1 cm and half effaced. So I asked if we could induce the week between Christmas and New Year's, and the midwife said that should be okay, since I'll be past my due date by then. She scheduled it for the 29th and 30th. I'll go in on the 29th and they'll do a 'balloon', whatever that is, which is supposed to make my cervix dilate, and then on the 30th they'll start Pitocin, assuming my cervix did what it was supposed to.<br /><br />Now, here's what I'm hoping will actually happen: Wesley will realize that he's got a deadline, and, just like me, will work really well under pressure and finish whatever developing he has to do. Then, whatever happens to start labor will happen and I'll be in labor before the 29th. That would be ideal, but either way, the 29th (or 30th) is D-Day.<br /><br />The midwife also stripped my membranes this morning, which was far more painful than I expected. She said that it could help to get things going, but of course isn't as effective or reliable as medical induction. I have felt a little crampy since that, but that's normal apparently, and not indicative of anything. It also seems to have disturbed Wesley, he's moving a lot more than normal, but I don't mind.<br /><br />So...just waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting...K8Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10612070229504684351noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7575556985983727836.post-25685948974683669012009-12-11T16:32:00.007-05:002009-12-14T09:54:04.079-05:00Frustrated**Though I have tried not to be terribly explicit in this post, please know that is about an adult subject.**<br /><br />This is a part of pregnancy I did not expect. Perhaps most women don't experience it, or perhaps many do and it's just not talked about because it's a little wierd.<br /><br />I can't seem to get enough um... well, sex. My hormones are running crazy, and along with the crying over nearly nothing and constant aches, those pesky hormones normally associated with teenagers seem to have found their way back to my bloodstream. And it's seriously annoying.<br /><br />Michael is not exactly obliging, mostly, I think, because I don't know how to tell him. We have never been terribly talkative about this, and whenever I try I get embarrassed and tongue-tied and I can never quite say what I want to say.<br /><br />Part of that is because a few times (earlier in the marriage) I tried to be explicit about my needs without being verbal, and it didn't turn out well. Another part of the problem is that every time we try to talk about it and I find that I can't say what I want it just makes it harder for me to try again. I blush a lot. Too much for a married woman talking with her husband. And the final issue, I think, is that while Michael is invariably satisfied, I am not. Ever. At least not with intercourse. Yes, there are other methods and it usually happens one way or another, but I really hate that we have to do that.<br /><br />And while I'm laying our issues bare, I might as well admit that, for various reasons, it's been a few months since I've been 'satisfied'. Which could explain my current overwhelming needs. The logical part of my mind does not lay the blame all at Michael's door. I know this is an 'us' problem. However, the logical part of my mind is not exactly in control right now, and so that makes me even more reluctant to say something because I'm afraid I'm going to say something I don't really believe, but do feel right now, and end up hurting him.<br /><br />Because we've never been able to talk coherently about this, I don't know how he feels about me not being satisfied, or if he even notices. I would like to think that he notices, and that he cares to the point that it hurts him and he blames himself and he just doesn't know how to talk about it or what to do about it. If I knew he felt that way, I think I could talk with him about it more easily.<br /><br />But, I'm afraid that he more feels like it's my problem, something that I need to fix. Again, logically, I know it's more likely that it's somewhere in the middle of those two extremes, but it's extremely frustrating regardless.<br /><br />And, on any one occassion, I don't really care whether or not I'm satisfied. But all told for the past few months, it bothers me. It actually hurts that he doesn't say anything. I know I should be the one to take responsibility and say something, since it does bother me and I have a right to talk about this with him, but I guess I've read too many romance novels. Even regular fiction novels that are a little explicit generally depict a guy who takes responsibility for the girl's pleasure. And if there is a problem, it's generally the guy who blames himself.<br /><br />Unrealistic? Yes, I know it is, and that's why the books are fiction. But that doesn't help me any right now. I don't know what would, I don't even know that talking about it would bring any difference, because the few conversations we've attempted in the past have failed so miserably.<br /><br />My final admission of the day: It's all very depressing. Not just this issue, but all the things I have to deal with. Not having a job, dealing politely with Michael's parents and sister (especially his dad, who is incredibly excited and therefore more annoying than I thought possible), diplomatically rebuffing what I feel are inappropriate inquiries and touching, and living in this small town with no distractions or entertainments are really wearing on me. And I'm terribly afraid of developing post-partum depression. Not the baby blues, I think I could handle that, but real, debilitating depression. My son doesn't deserve that, nor does Michael, and I really don't want to have to deal with it. I've been depressed before, but never to the point that I felt I needed to seek help, even if I probably should have. It always goes away after a while. I'll have to seek help if it happens again, though, because now I have Wesley, and he deserves a mom who is whole and well. Just one more thing I don't want to talk about with Michael.<br /><br />P.S. I just read the description on my baby bar, and thank God that none of that is true! I am uncomfortable, but I don't have hemorroids or any bathroom issues, and I'm really okay, as long as people don't ask me how I'm doing all the time, because that's just annoying.K8Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10612070229504684351noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7575556985983727836.post-20337261832677721112009-12-08T08:07:00.002-05:002009-12-08T08:18:49.620-05:00Happy Birthday Mom!Today is my mom's birthday, and she is an awesome person. I don't know how much I've talked about her, but I love her like crazy. She is a rock for me, who is too often just in the background of my life. I can talk to her about nearly everything, and I find myself closer and closer to her every year.<br /><br />She raised my sister, brother, and I basically by herself (even when she was still married). I love the man my dad was when I knew him, but before that he didn't have it all together, and that made life really hard for my mom. She had the three of us to take care of, and she always did, whether she thinks she always did a good job or not.<br /><br />She never lost sight of what was important (or at least not for long enough for me to notice). She took care of us while teaching us to take care of ourselves, and has now let go as much or as little as each of us needs as we make our way into full adulthood. Most importantly, and the gift I most treasure, she held onto her faith and principles, and passed them on to us.<br /><br />Happy Birthday, Mom. I love you.K8Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10612070229504684351noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7575556985983727836.post-85442600210821650862009-12-07T13:39:00.002-05:002009-12-07T13:56:57.089-05:00HungryHungry is my most defining personality trait right now. Second place is tied for tired and achy (ache-y? achey? idk). Yay late pregnancy!<br /><br />Wesley has dropped a little, but as I have no experience with pregnancy, I have no idea if he's dropped as much as he's going to, or if there's more to go. I'm hoping that this is as much as he drops, because I can breath again and I'm running to the bathroom more often than I want.<br /><br />At my last appointment they said I was negative for group Strep B, which is awesome, because I don't have to worry about antibiotics when I go to the hospital.<br /><br />We have the nursery almost completely organized, and even if I go into labor today, there's no preparation in there that has to be done. There are certainly things we can do if we have time, but nothing is essential.<br /><br />And my to do list? It's mostly done. The house is almost completely decorated, the final touches are kind of ancillary so I'm just doing them as I feel like it. The dishes did get done, and I've kept them done. I'm not behind on laundry. As I said the nursery is fairly complete. One of the bathrooms is clean and the other one is nearly so (but we almost never use it, so I'm not as fussed about that).<br /><br />I can certainly feel that nesting instinct kicking in, though. As I get things done I keep thinking of other things I need to do. The floors haven't been properly scrubbed in awhile, but I'm not going to attempt that since my idea of 'properly scrubbed' is the use of practically boiling water (changed every time it gets dirty) used with floor cleaner and a scrub brush on your hands and knees. I know better than that, but I still want to do it. I'll have to settle for Swiffer.<br /><br />I'd also like to dust everything, change the sheets on the beds (which I can't do because I can't lift mattresses - especially the king), clean the washer and dryer, use Magic Eraser to clean all the fingerprints off of everything, clean all the windows (pre-requisite for finishing the Christmas Decorations with window clings), and make and freeze about 10-20 more lunches/dinners.<br /><br />Now, I know I can't get all of that done on my own, and I know I probably won't get all of it done anyway, but it actually feels good to have goals, even if it occasionally feels like I'll never finish. Good practice, right?K8Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10612070229504684351noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7575556985983727836.post-88220823260639662172009-12-02T11:28:00.003-05:002009-12-02T12:17:41.695-05:00Blech!Today is a cold rainy day. I hate cold rainy days. I don't like rain in general, and now it's cold too. Ick!. I wish that means I could stay in bed all day and read, as I would if I didn't have any obligations. But, I do have obligations, things I need to do.<br /><br />I still have gifts and hand-me-downs to put away in the nursery, and I'm discovering that I don't have enough room for everything. Some of the bigger clothes are just going to have to go in space bags and be put away until Wesley grows into them. And somehow I ended up with four tote-type bags. Four! One is camoflauge, and so we're going to use that as Michael's diaper bag. But the other three? No idea what I'm going to do with them. I hate tote bags, and they generally don't work as real diaper bags because it's just one big hole (which is why I don't like them to begin with). It's beginning to dawn on me how useless some of the stuff people have given us is.<br /><br />I also need to do the dishes from dinner last night. I was so tired last night I was dizzy, so they didn't get done. Hopefully I'll manage to get them down before dinner tonight.<br /><br />On the plus side, I have already been to the grocery store, gotten all of the deals without spending any extra money (for once), and come back home and put everything away. So that's done. But I still have so much more to do. The bathrooms need to be cleaned, and all the floors swept, and the sheets changed, and the nursery still needs to be organized some more, and I need to decorate for Christmas. That's not a long list right?<br /><br />I'm going to go with 'right!', and try to get at least a quantifiable something done today. At least one of those jobs will be done, no matter how cold and rainy it is!K8Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10612070229504684351noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7575556985983727836.post-65043208152187159052009-11-24T09:19:00.003-05:002009-11-24T09:43:27.651-05:00HormonesAre all these hormones really necessary? Aren't the backache, heartburn, sleeplessness, constant thirst, overwhelming hunger coupled with a squished stomach and unrealistic cravings, and swelling enough to deal with during pregnancy? Why is it that when I'm trying to prepare for what is likely the biggest challenge of my life I have to be more insanely emotional than I usually am?<br /><br />Michael can simply ask me how my day went or what I did, and I feel like he's interrogating me. I know he's not; he's just curious, like he's always been. It never really bothered me before. Now it pisses me off.<br /><br />Then having that reaction makes me sad, so I start to cry. I think things like "A marriage shouldn't be like this" and "why am I so freaking nutty?" My life right now seems to be a study in contradictions. <br /><br />I've always wished Michael would be a little more independent and need me a little less. I think he's making an effort to do that now, especially since he's not going to have a choice in a few weeks. (A few weeks? EEK!) But now when I see him do something that I would normally have done or he would have asked me to do, it makes me sad. And worse, it makes me feel bad, like I should have thought to do it for him and done it before he did.<br /><br />I hear all the advice about realizing that you can't be superwoman and do it all by yourself. You can't take care of a husband and a baby and the house and yourself. I've always accepted that. I was never really sure where that help would come from, since my family is four hours away and I'll be on my death bed before I ask his mom for help. But, I figured that Michael and I could handle it together, maybe judiciously asking for help from select family friends while still making it clear that we were handling everything just fine.<br /><br />But, I can feel that need to be superwoman and supermom coming on. I did not expect that, but I feel like I need to be able to handle everything by myself. I know that I can't, but I want to. I want to prove it to myself and everyone else that I can do this all by myself.<br /><br />I have never felt that way about anything before, and I don't know what to do about it. How do you ask for help when you don't really trust anyone around you? My mom will be coming up for about a week, but then what? And Michael's cousins (sisters) have decided that they want to come spend some time with us sometime in January, and he doesn't see a problem with it. HELLO?!?! New infant, less than a month old, and they want to come spend the night in a house that already has very little room, and bring a toddler! I reminded the mom of the group that Wesley will certainly not be sleeping through the night at that time, and she responded that she's used to it. I didn't feel I could respond that I wasn't so much worried about her if she's stupid enough to want to come visit so early, but having to deal with her, her sister, her daughter, and an infant who will need to be fed every two to three hours is a little above and beyond the call of duty for me. I'll have to try to figure out how to get that message across.<br /><br />So, I'm sure all this pressure I'm feeling to get everything right the first time isn't helping my crazy hormonal self, but I really wish the hormones would just go away, or at least back off a little. I've cried more in the last week than in probably the last year. Grrr.K8Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10612070229504684351noreply@blogger.com2