Here on Earth

Here We Go...

2010-04-15T13:47:00.003-04:00

I got the job. I'm processing it, and dealing with it. I know I'll survive, as long as Wesley is okay. So we'll see how daycare goes, and just as with the job search I'm praying for God's will to be done because I'm too partial to know which outcome to pray for.

Thankfully, Michael has decided that we will use a real daycare. He doesn't want a falling out with his aunt if something happens, and I'm just glad he finally heard me. I am slowly but surely learning how be a good wife and share my concerns in a way that allows Michael to change his mind and still let it be his decision. :)

Wesley has a sinus infection, but by Monday he should be feeling a lot better, because the doctor put him on antibiotics today. Oh boy, I start Monday and have to leave him with strangers before he's all better. I'll be okay, I promise.

Tomorrow I'm going to visit the daycares, make a decision, and get him set up. I would have gone today, but I didn't have anyone to leave him with, and I want to spend every minute with him anyway.

The last thing I'm worried about is being able to pump enough breastmilk. My new employer has more than 50 employees, so they have to let me pump. Still, I don't want it to be an issue because I don't want to be 'that employee'. So, I'm praying that I'll know the right words to say, and that they'll support my efforts to keep breastfeeding.

Trying to stay positive

2010-04-13T09:41:00.003-04:00

I have a third interview/staff meet 'n' greet with a potential employer tomorrow. I am happy about this. I really am. It means Michael and I can start looking for land or a maybe a house that's already built. It means that if either of us needs a new vehicle at any time in the future we will be able to afford it. It means I can buy gifts for my family and friends without worrying about whether or not I'm spending too much money. It means I can stop following the progress of unemployment extensions being passed or delayed by Congress. It means that, at least while I'm at work, I'll be able to go to the bathroom, eat, and drink when I need or want to.

It also means that I have to entrust Wesley's care to someone else. Someone who won't do as good a job as I can. Someone who may not be willing to hold him so he sleeps when he needs to. Someone who might not be as responsive to his cries as I am. Someone who might put him in a walker. Someone who might think TV is a good way to keep him occupied. Someone who might let him sleep instead of waking him to eat because they didn't hold him so he could sleep before and when they finallly got him to sleep on his own they didn't want to wake him. Someone who might feel that letting him cry it out or (when he's older) spanking is appropriate.

I dreamt about the perfect daycare last night. One adult for every two babies, cameras in every room with live continuous internet transmission, a nursing/pumping room, separate refrigerator for breast milk, three infant rooms (napping/quiet, playing, and crying/fussy) with one permanent worker in each room aside from the one for every two babies, guaranteed tummy time every day, no walkers, no TV, and a nurse on staff. If we could find that, I might be okay.

Unfortunately, it doesn't exist, at least not here. So, I shall have to place my faith in God that Michael's aunt will be a good and honest caretaker and follow our rules even if/when she doesn't agree. I have to trust that if she can't do that or she feels she's not able to give him the care he deserves that she'll tell us. And I have to trust in my ability to recognize any negative changes in Wesley, discern the cause, and fix it.

Motivated

2010-03-24T11:36:00.002-04:00

Despite the rather gloomy mood of my last two posts, I have been feeling incredibly motivated the last few days. I'm motivated to lose weight, exercise, eat better, be a better wife and mother, find a job, grow closer to God and my family, and enjoy my life.

I feel as though I'm on the edge of a cliff, and my choices are to walk away and keep my feet firmly on the ground, or jump just to see if I can grow wings and fly. Maybe now is the time in my life that I should jump, because I've spent my life walking away. But now, I don't two solid options to choose between. I don't really even have two options, or anything to choose. I still feel like jumping. I think I'll jump and find out what I'm jumping into.

In His Hands

2010-03-23T09:43:00.000-04:00

My brother-in-law has cancer. This is his third, and most aggressive, recurrence. He is in God's hands, and it seems as though he is being called home.

He is scheduled for a clinical trial in about one week, but his doctors say they can only delay the inevitable. This time, the cancer is too aggressive and in too many places.

So we are praying for a miracle, and for acceptance of God's will. Please pray for him and his family. Thank you!

depression or baby blues?

2010-03-12T16:05:00.002-05:00

I am struggling. I'm not sure if it's postpartum depression or just baby blues. The reason I am not sure is because some days (some hours) I'm okay, and other days (other hours) I'm not. When I feel like I've gotten enough sleep I'm usually okay, but not always. If I'm tired, I'm rarely okay. But the mood always goes away. When I'm down, I feel like I'm down more and more often and it's not getting better. When I'm okay, I'm generally happy and I feel like it's getting better, and I try not to think about the down times because I hope it won't come back.

This roller coaster is more than just physically draining, which doesn't help the sleep situation. Wesley won't sleep in his crib for more than two hours, and it's rare for him to sleep that long. Most of the time I'm lucky to get an hour, so I'm not getting a lot of sleep. It only takes about 30 minutes to get him back to sleep enough to put down, but I can only do that so many times in one night. And when I'm just too tired to do it anymore, I take him to bed with me.

I'm not letting myself become completely exhausted because I give up on the crib thing before that happens, but I'm not really getting enough sleep either.

So here's the question: which came first, the roller coaster of emotion or the unreliable amounts of sleep?

Somehow, I think having a job would actually help the emotional issues because I would have something else to focus on, but I don't have a job and I don't think having one would help with sleeping. I couldn't possibly keep trying to get him to sleep in his crib if I have to wake up in the morning, go to work and be useful.

But that's moot because I don't have a job offer anyway. So now I feel like I'm rambling, but the upshot is that I feel like this is never going to end, like I'm never going to be able to get enough sleep again, and I really miss my husband. I feel like I never get to see him and I certainly never get to sleep with him (in any way).

And through all of that, I feel so incredibly stupid and ungrateful. I have been given a wonderful gift in my little Wes-man. He is cute and wonderful and he's been ahead of the curve since he started lifting his head off my shoulder in the hospital. His social smile started around three weeks, and he's already trying to crawl and sit up (if he's mostly up anyway). He's my little genius and I am so blessed, so why can't I just be happy?

Baby Monitor

2010-03-08T10:53:00.002-05:00

I HATE our baby monitor. It only transmits when it detects sounds, and the threshold is WAY higher than it should be in my opinion. As in, if the baby is not crying the monitor will stop transmitting, even if it the noise which began the transmission continues but does not escalate.

When I am awake it's not really a problem because my Mommy Super Hearing has kicked in, and I can hear him no matter where I am in the house. However, I am getting only about half the sleep I was getting before he was born, so when I fall asleep I sleep very deeply. Therefore a monitor that only transmits when it detects a noise and stops transmitting if that noise does not escalate is not at all useful to me.

This morning I began searching for another baby monitor, and can find nothing in any of the item descriptions or reviews regarding this annoying little 'feature'. I can understand why it's not mentioned. Who would buy a monitor if the description clearly states that it only transmits when it thinks your baby needs you? Or even (more realistically) that it only transmits when it detects a noise?

So, to the mothers who read my blog, please let me know if you have a monitor that doesn't do this, and give me the model number so I can get it!

Trust

2010-02-25T15:04:00.002-05:00

I have always had issues with trust. I don't trust people to understand me, love me, or accept me just as I am. I don't trust that Michael won't get mad at me for the things I do or don't do, or that he trusts that I don't do things (or buy things) without reason. I don't trust that I can be a good mother, that I have enough discipline to lose the weight I want to lose, or that I can be a good wife for the rest of Michael's life.

I know that Michael loves me, but I don't trust it, so I read into his comments and pull out meanings he didn't even realize the words could have. I know that I have been given all the gifts and grace I need to conquer my earthly desires and be a good wife and mother, but I don't trust it.

Lately, God has been trying to get me to let go and trust. All of these issues come down to not really trusting Him. I don't trust that He has put people in my life who really love me. I don't trust that He has given those people the graces they need to put up with me. Somehow, even with everything that has been provided to me, I don't trust that He will provide me with everything I need.

I'm working on that. God is leading me into a deeper trust in Him. He has just shown me the need for it in the past few weeks, and I can feel Him working in my heart and mind, encouraging me to take the actions that show trust in a 'fake it until you make it' fashion.

That has always been my way. 'Fake it until you make it' is kind of a personal mantra. I have to do something before it can become real for me. One thing I do trust is that God knows that and He loves it about me. I think that's a really good place for this trust thing to start.

It's the little things...

2010-02-22T12:55:00.002-05:00

That make you appreciate where you are in life. Little victories that you can claim and treasure. Right now, I'm happy to report that I am typing this post with two hands. A little victory made possible by the fact that Wesley is sitting in his bouncer seat, happily looking around and kicking.

I'm ignoring the fact that that's all I have to talk about regarding Wes, unless you want a diaper count, tales of nursing marathons thanks to an impending growth spurt, or the riveting saga of how long it took to get out of the house to go to church yesterday.

I shall assume you don't, and move on to random thoughts I've had over the past few days.

Lysacek won! Yay! Plushenko's a turd.

US is ahead in medal count. Shock.

Sarcasm really doesn't do well online.

I miss my sister, but we both have infants and I never know when to call, especially since we never seem to have anything to talk about.

I finally decided on what I'm giving up for Lent. It's not going to be easy, but for the first time I think I'm giving up something that's really important to God. I don't think He really cares about what I've given up in the past, because it was never anything that really seperated me from Him. This year, I think I'm really beginning to understand what Lent is about, and how much of a journey it's supposed to be.

It's really sad when a government tax form says "Remember to write you Social Security number on you check."

It really sucks that we have to pay state taxes this year. Our federal refund more than covers it, but I induced for a reason!

And that was a short-lived victory, but I enjoyed it. Time to hold Wesley!

Pfizer? I have a great idea...

2010-02-16T12:17:00.004-05:00

I'm very, very ill. It came on suddenly, and the doctor says there's no usable cure. I'll just have to live with it for the next 10 months or so, then the symptoms will slowly fade for the next 17 years. Then I might be free, but it's more likely that there will be a recurrence in the next few years, and the cycle will start again.

What is this horrible disease? Cabin fever. Normally, the cure would be to go away for a few days, or even a few hours, and have no responsibilities to deal with. That won't work when you have an infant, however, especially if you're breastfeeding. First I would have to have someone I completely trust to care for Wesley. I don't. Then I would have to go somewhere that would have a place for me to pump every two or two and a half hours so I could preserve my supply, which would be a responsibility. And finally, I would have to relax and trust that Wesley would not need me.

Therein lies the major downfall. If I really had to, I could drive to my mom's house and have her take care of him, and I could manage pumping, even while out and about. BUT, I know I could not relax for more than a couple hours. I would have to call to make sure he was okay, and if I heard him crying I would have to go to him. Even if he was okay when I called, when I did go back to him and he started to cry, as he inevitably would, I would feel horrible about leaving him and all the good would be undone.

So. Not much I can do. I just have to live with it, and hope I can find the strength to cope. I'm having trouble with not being able to eat when I'm hungry or sleep when I'm tired, or go shopping when I'm stressed, or put Wesley down when my back and arms hurt. I also miss typing with two hands. And milk. Wesley gets gas when I drink it.

I know I'll survive, but right now I really wish they made a cure for cabin fever in pill form.

Valentine's Expectations

2010-02-14T21:44:00.002-05:00

It's amazing to me how having a child has brought me and Michael closer together. Though I've always known him well, I feel like all the things I knew have really sunk in.

I know he's not a romantic. I know he would like to be, because he knows how much I would appreciate a little more romance.

I know he's a good father. He doesn't have any experience, and he's learning slowly, but he is a good father and our kids will never understand how lucky they are to have him, because that's what being a good father is about.

I know he's a good son and brother. His family is going through a tough time right now, and he is there for them. From humoring his father to supporting his sister, he is there and he loves them.

I know he's not book smart. He doesn't like to read anything, and his reading comprehension isn't great. That's okay, I can cover that.

I know he's smart. He can look at anything mechanical, architectural, structural, or anything else like that, and probably figure out how to set it up, fix it, or make it better. That's good, because I'm completely clueless.

I know he has a good heart. He is a volunteer firefighter. He will go out of his way to help anyone who needs it.

I know he loves me. I know that love grew when Wesley was born, as mine did for him. I know that no matter what life or hell or our own personal demons throw at us, he will be there for me. I know that because I've already put him through hell, and he's still here.

Because of all of those things, and so many more, I know that Valentine's Day is not a huge deal. It used to be a big deal to me. So did my birthday and our anniversary and his birthday and Christmas. Now, they each have their own significance but they are not terribly significant to our relationship. If we have a bad day one year, there will be a next year, so long as we're both alive. If there isn't a next year, then one bad day, regardless of the day, will not define our relationship.

Yes, life changes when you have a baby, and that includes your expectations. I honestly don't care that we didn't do anything for Valentine's Day, except spend time at home together. Nothing special, and not particularly meaningful since we have done that every weekend since Wes was born. And yet, I'm not dissapointed, as I would have been last year. You know, I'm really starting to feel grown up. :)

NASCAR

2010-02-05T09:06:00.002-05:00

Racing season is about to start again. Blech. This is a post I wrote last year at the start of the season, but I never hit the publish button. I've decided to bring you its brilliance now. :)

I have a confession: I live in the south and I hate watching cars go around and around in a circle. That's right: I think it's pointless to watch cars go around and around in a circle. I imagine you're already tired of the phrase 'watch cars go around and around in a circle.' Now you imagine how boring it is to be forced to watch cars go around and around in a circle.

He says he watches cars go around and around in a circle waiting for them to crash. He says it's only the crashes he really cares about. So why do we have to watch them go around and around in a circle before they crash? Why can't we just DVR the stupid race and fast forward and only watch the crashes? "Because we have to build excitement. You watch the cars go around and hear the announcers talking, you watch them race for position and develop their pit strategy. Then, suddenly, one announcer gets interrupted because there's a crash. There's 'the big one'." Yeah, sure, he only cares about the crashes.

I'm really glad NASCAR made the cars safer. Now they go around and around in a circle LONGER before they crash. Now the crashes aren't as big. Now, you might not even have 'the big one'. One day, we might even have a race with no crash at all. Will we watch that one? You betcha! We will have to figure out how all 43 cars avoided crashing for the entire race. How did they all go around and around in a circle without hitting each other?

I have the answer. All of the normal racers will have gotten sick from the food they all ate the night before. NASCAR wants to keep the fans happy and still have the race. Sponsers still want the money they spent to do them some good. So, someone comes up with an idea: substitute drivers. Who would be willing to race, though? Who loves these drivers so much that they would be willing to go around and around in a circle for HOURS for no good reason? Their wives/girlfriends/daughters. All of the male NASCAR people whisper, "Women? Can we do that? Will the fans be ok with that?" "We don't have a choice," they say to each other. "We'll have to use the women." *SIGH* "OK, we'll use the women."

Breastfeeding and a Chiropracter

2010-01-28T13:41:00.005-05:00

Is a (slightly painful) adventure. I know it's not 'supposed' to hurt, but a lot of things aren't supposed to be the way they are. For me and my little barracuda, a little pain is a part of the process. And, I'll admit, sticking with it makes me feel like a little bit of a hero. Every time I go to the doctor or talk with anyone about breastfeeding, I'm congratulated and told how wonderful it is that I'm doing it. I really revel in that. It feels good to know that people know how hard it is and how easy it would be to give up.

Please don't get me wrong. I don't think formula feeding makes parenting any easier, and I don't think there's anything wrong with formula feeding. Whether breastfeeding doesn't work or isn't possible in the first place for whatever reason, the most important thing is making sure baby is fed. The only person I think worse of for not breastfeeding is my mother-in-law, but only because the only reason she didn't breastfeed was because she couldn't be bothered to educate herself. That said, if I switched to formula now, I would feel like I was giving up because it is working, despite the difficulties and minor pain.

Anyway, a great perk of breastfeeding is the group meeting I found for breastfeeding moms. If I find a job, it will definitely be at the top of my negotiation list to be able to continue going. Being able to pump at work will be more important, but hopefully I'll be able to find a job that will allow both.

That same group suggested I take Wesley to a chiropracter because he wouldn't eat on one side, sleep on his back, or eat without spitting up copious amounts. So I took him to the chiropracter, and all is solved. He still spits up a little, but not near as much. So my little squeaker is doing much better, and I am so happy! I know chiropractic care seems a little overboard for a newborn, but it is so worth it, and it was very gentle. It just looked to me like he was rubbing Wesley's back. :)

My Precious Boy

2009-12-31T07:40:00.011-05:00

Wesley is here and well. Better than well, actually, he's fantastic! He was born at seven pounds, four ounces, and 19.75 inches. All that heartburn I suffered through was well worth it for his beautiful head of dark hair, and contrary to popular belief, not all babies are born with blue eyes. We were not quite sure what color his eyes were when he was born, but they weren't blue and they've since turned to a gray-brown that I've never seen before, and I'm completely in love with it.

I don't have a picture that fully captures his greatness yet, but I doubt a picture will ever compare to him in person, so you'll have to make do with what I have. These pictures are copyrighted by JCPenney.

As you can see, he is the cutest baby ever. I love, Love, LOVE the picture of Wesley and Michael. I have more pictures to post that we have taken ourselves, but I haven't downloaded them to the computer yet. Hopefully I'll get that done soon, but one thing I have learned well is to not make plans or set time-specific goals.

I was wrong...

2009-12-28T09:51:00.002-05:00

Darn it. So we're still waiting...and I'm to the point now where I'm done. The contractions got to about seven minutes apart, but it was really late so I went to bed, fully expecting to be woken by contractions in a few hours. But I wasn't. They stopped completely. Then yesterday I had contractions, and they got to about five minutes apart, and then they slowed down, and stopped. Grrr...

There is an end, though. At my appointment this morning I was about 3 cm and she said I was almost zero station, which means he really could come anytime. They cancelled the Foley catheter, so if he hasn't come by Wednesday, I'll go into the hospital for Pitocin then. At the latest, he will be here Thursday. They would have let me go in today, I think, but I really want to give him as much time to come naturally as I can, and still get him here before the new year.

Even now, though I am ready, I'm not desperate for him to come, and I'm thankful for that. Saturday was hard, after thinking that I was on my way to the hospital, but I'm okay now. I'm still sick of people asking me if I'm okay, but that's really the worst part.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T22:02:00.003-05:00

Our Christmas was a fairly quiet one, spent mostly with Michael's family. We exchanged gifts, and as always, his parents went way overboard. It's nice though, in a way, because I know his mom really enjoys shopping for everyone and seeing us open everything. And she got me some more of the thick fuzzy socks I love so much. :)

I decided to write tonight because I think I am in labor. The very early stage, anyway. I'm pretty sure that if I am the later stages will not garner an "I think" so much as a "I'm in labor and if you bug me you'll regret it!"

If what I'm feeling are contractions, they are 10-20 minutes apart, lasting about 20-40 seconds. I would like to say I'm sure, but I'd hate to be wrong. I'll update as I can. Merry Christmas!

Come on Wesley!

2009-12-23T11:10:00.003-05:00

At my appointment this morning I was 2 cm, and Wesley was in a posterior position. The midwife didn't say anything about effacement, but I assume it's advancing as well, since she said I probably won't need to go in on the 29th for the Foley catheter. Here's hoping I won't need the induction at all.

She stripped my membranes again, so that might move things along more too. It didn't hurt as much as last week, but she said she was pretty rough, so maybe it just hurts more when your cervix is less dilated. Or maybe it's just the difference between midwives.

Originally I was dreading being in the hospital on Christmas, but now I'm thinking I wouldn't mind so much. Being in the hospital (or even in labor and waiting to go to the hospital) would mean I wouldn't have to go to Michael's parents' or aunt's house and eat wierd food and pretend that this is my ideal Christmas. So, I wouldn't mind being in the hospital on Christmas...or anytime now, since I'd still be unable/unwilling to leave the house even if I wasn't in the hospital.

Vivid Dreams

2009-12-22T07:52:00.002-05:00

I was right. With a little perspective, and time, and a little crying jag, yesterday morning actually wasn't so bad. Gotta love those hormones.

Can I also blame the hormones for the incredibly vivid dreams I've been having? At least once a week for the past few months, I've had dreams that seem so realistic. Maybe realistic isn't the right word, though, because it's certainly nothing that would ever happen in real life.

Last night I was back in high school and Mark, the guy I was completely in love with actually wanted to be with me (awesome!), but things were just a little off. For one thing, we slept together (as in really sleeping, nothing else), but I wouldn't have even done that, especially not in my house with my mom sleeping down the hall. Then when we woke up in the morning he wanted to tell Mom he slept there and that he wanted to marry me, and even though we didn't have sex I was very worried about getting pregnant...then I remembered that I already was and was relieved. Then I got mad at Mark for something and stole his care and drove to school. Somehow I managed to drive onto the median. Mark appeared and moved the car into a parking spot, but he did it with his hands. He literally picked the car up and put it down in the parking spot. Twilight, much? Well, yeah, turns out Mark was a vampire. I came to terms with that and then woke up.

The night before last Michael's mom was coming at me with a knife and yelling at me for not being Indian. I tried to remind her that she had another son to marry off to a proper Indian girl and she shouldn't worry about Michael because he didn't really want to bring his children up in the Indian culture anyway. Then she started chasing me and saying she was going to kill me, so I ran to our neighbor's house and he let me inside and called 911. I actually remember the conversation I had with the 911 operator, and feeling relief when I heard the sirens outside the house before she managed to break in.

Of course, I wasn't ever pregnant in high school, Mark was not a vampire, Michael and his family are not Indian, and I assume his mother doesn't actually want to kill me (thought I suspect she's not happy about me being Catholic and Michael converting, so that dream may have come from that).

And those were just the dreams from this week. I've had three of these really vivid dreams before, two of which used to be repetetive, but I haven't had them in a few years. So, three in my whole life, and now I'm having them at least once a week. I hope it stops after Wesley is born. I'm starting to be a little paranoid about how much I'm dreaming about Mark, though most of the time it's really Michael it just looks like Mark. It's still really wierd, and I hope it's the hormones.

Crappy Morning

2009-12-21T10:57:00.002-05:00

How's your morning going? If it's going well, you might not want to read this post. While I'm aware that nothing that happened this morning was actually horrible, it all added up to a horrible morning for me, possibly only because I'm pregnant and hormonal.

What happened between my last blog post and now? Well, the first thing was the interview being canceled until after Christmas, when I might not be able to make it because I will likely either be in the hospital or recovering from child birth.

Then, I had to go out to Michael's mom's house because he wanted me to put FRAGILE stickers on the camcorder we just sold on eBay for shipping. Well...on the box...but anyway, that meant I had to deal with his mother's inane conversation on her usual topics of my pregnancy and her 'schedule'. Yeah, she doesn't work. She doesn't have kids at home. She doesn't have a frickin schedule, and I'm really tired of hearing about how much stuff she has to do.

Then I went and shipped the stupid camcorder, and the shipping cost three times as much as Michael decided to charge the buyer. We sold a $600 camcorder for $135, and lost $16 on the shipping. All because he wouldn't listen to me about the shipping charges. I am really okay with selling the camcorder for whatever we could get for it (within reason, which I felt $135 for a three-year-old used camcorder was). But losing money on the shipping because he wouldn't listen to advice from his WIFE? Not reasonable. Not even close to reasonable.

THEN, I got home and found myself locked out of the house. I keep my keys in my purse. Michael used them last night to lock the door and didn't put them back. I thought they were in my purse, when in fact, they were on the dryer. So, who comes to my rescue? Not Michael, because he's at work and on his way out of town. Michael's mom! YAY! I get to see and have to converse with Michael's mom twice in the space of an hour because he insists that she have a key to the house.

And THEN?!?! Instead of getting out of her car and handing me the keys to MY OWN HOUSE, or better yet staying in the car and handing me the keys, she got out of the car, marched up to MY door, and proceeded to unlock MY house. Then, she opens the door really slowly, because she simply assumes that I'm irresponsible enough to have left Harley out and she doesn't want him to get out. Except that I'm not. And her son is the irresponsible one, because if he had put MY keys back where they belonged, I wouldn't have been locked out of the house.

God forbid, though, that she let go of 'her' keys for two seconds and show me the respect I deserve. But, obviously, in her eyes I'm still a child, just like she sees her son, no matter how much she pretends to respect me. And if we take 'her' keys from her for any reason, the last thing she says is always "Make sure you get those back to me!"

Because, apparently, she has a right to have keys to our house. NOT! But Michael doesn't want to argue it with her, and he wants her to feel useful, and he wants her to have them in case of emergencies. Like this one. Except that he caused the emergency, and I would rather have driven to get his keys from him even though he was about 30 minutes away.

And now? Michael just called and he wants me to call his father at work. I JUST WILL NOT! I hate this place, and I hate Michael's interfering family who won't just leave us alone!

*We apologize, this special post has been interrupted so the pregnant blogger can have a major temper tantrum. She likely will not return today.*

I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas Eve Eve Eve Eve

2009-12-21T08:05:00.002-05:00

I woke up this morning to freezing temperatures and sparkly frost covering everything! This is the closest this area ever gets to a white Christmas, and it came four days early! So not cool. Especially since the weather on Christmas is supposed to be a high in the mid-60s and rainy.

But, since it's all I can get, I'll take it, mostly because I can stay inside, nice and cozy warm, while looking outside at the pretty sparkly field behind my house (at least until the sun comes up a little more).

I have had one white Christmas. I visited my dad in Atlanta one year, and it snowed 2 inches on Christmas Eve. Dad said it was because I was there and winter was showing off just for me. :) I had never actually been in snow before, and I was fascinated by the fact that it actually was in flakes. I even did a snow angel (which basically just cleared the snow and left a grass angel) and built a family of very tiny snowpeople. I will always cherish that Christmas with my dad.

On a very different note, I had a job interview today, but one of the interviewers had a death in the family, so the interviews are being postponed until after Christmas. Which is okay, I guess, except that I might be in the hospital when they want me to come in. And even if I'm not, I can't start working until February 1, at the earliest. I would prefer to not start working until March 1, but I'm going to have to take a job if I can get it, because I've come to terms with something recently.

I can't be a stay at home mom. I would love to be, but Michael just doesn't make enough money right now. It's true that he makes enough for us to live on, but it's not enough to get the things I want, namely a house. I simply can't raise more than one child in this house. I don't even want to think about having another child until we have another house, or at least begin building one. We can't do that until I have a job. Michael also needs a new truck. His is 14 years old. It still seems to run fine, it's true, but it's practically a senior citizen. I'm afraid that, eventually, its 'heart' will just give out. And, finally, since I have to work, I want Wesley to be in a good daycare. I don't want Michael's mom or aunt or family friend watching him. I have different reasons for each, but I'm just not comfortable with any of those options, and I'm not leaving my child with any of them.

So, I have to have a job, preferrably one that's above minimum wage, but I'll take what I can get.

Induction Scheduled

2009-12-17T11:47:00.002-05:00

This morning at my weekly doctor's appointment, I was still 1 cm and half effaced. So I asked if we could induce the week between Christmas and New Year's, and the midwife said that should be okay, since I'll be past my due date by then. She scheduled it for the 29th and 30th. I'll go in on the 29th and they'll do a 'balloon', whatever that is, which is supposed to make my cervix dilate, and then on the 30th they'll start Pitocin, assuming my cervix did what it was supposed to.

Now, here's what I'm hoping will actually happen: Wesley will realize that he's got a deadline, and, just like me, will work really well under pressure and finish whatever developing he has to do. Then, whatever happens to start labor will happen and I'll be in labor before the 29th. That would be ideal, but either way, the 29th (or 30th) is D-Day.

The midwife also stripped my membranes this morning, which was far more painful than I expected. She said that it could help to get things going, but of course isn't as effective or reliable as medical induction. I have felt a little crampy since that, but that's normal apparently, and not indicative of anything. It also seems to have disturbed Wesley, he's moving a lot more than normal, but I don't mind.

So...just waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting...

Frustrated

2009-12-11T16:32:00.007-05:00

**Though I have tried not to be terribly explicit in this post, please know that is about an adult subject.**

This is a part of pregnancy I did not expect. Perhaps most women don't experience it, or perhaps many do and it's just not talked about because it's a little wierd.

I can't seem to get enough um... well, sex. My hormones are running crazy, and along with the crying over nearly nothing and constant aches, those pesky hormones normally associated with teenagers seem to have found their way back to my bloodstream. And it's seriously annoying.

Michael is not exactly obliging, mostly, I think, because I don't know how to tell him. We have never been terribly talkative about this, and whenever I try I get embarrassed and tongue-tied and I can never quite say what I want to say.

Part of that is because a few times (earlier in the marriage) I tried to be explicit about my needs without being verbal, and it didn't turn out well. Another part of the problem is that every time we try to talk about it and I find that I can't say what I want it just makes it harder for me to try again. I blush a lot. Too much for a married woman talking with her husband. And the final issue, I think, is that while Michael is invariably satisfied, I am not. Ever. At least not with intercourse. Yes, there are other methods and it usually happens one way or another, but I really hate that we have to do that.

And while I'm laying our issues bare, I might as well admit that, for various reasons, it's been a few months since I've been 'satisfied'. Which could explain my current overwhelming needs. The logical part of my mind does not lay the blame all at Michael's door. I know this is an 'us' problem. However, the logical part of my mind is not exactly in control right now, and so that makes me even more reluctant to say something because I'm afraid I'm going to say something I don't really believe, but do feel right now, and end up hurting him.

Because we've never been able to talk coherently about this, I don't know how he feels about me not being satisfied, or if he even notices. I would like to think that he notices, and that he cares to the point that it hurts him and he blames himself and he just doesn't know how to talk about it or what to do about it. If I knew he felt that way, I think I could talk with him about it more easily.

But, I'm afraid that he more feels like it's my problem, something that I need to fix. Again, logically, I know it's more likely that it's somewhere in the middle of those two extremes, but it's extremely frustrating regardless.

And, on any one occassion, I don't really care whether or not I'm satisfied. But all told for the past few months, it bothers me. It actually hurts that he doesn't say anything. I know I should be the one to take responsibility and say something, since it does bother me and I have a right to talk about this with him, but I guess I've read too many romance novels. Even regular fiction novels that are a little explicit generally depict a guy who takes responsibility for the girl's pleasure. And if there is a problem, it's generally the guy who blames himself.

Unrealistic? Yes, I know it is, and that's why the books are fiction. But that doesn't help me any right now. I don't know what would, I don't even know that talking about it would bring any difference, because the few conversations we've attempted in the past have failed so miserably.

My final admission of the day: It's all very depressing. Not just this issue, but all the things I have to deal with. Not having a job, dealing politely with Michael's parents and sister (especially his dad, who is incredibly excited and therefore more annoying than I thought possible), diplomatically rebuffing what I feel are inappropriate inquiries and touching, and living in this small town with no distractions or entertainments are really wearing on me. And I'm terribly afraid of developing post-partum depression. Not the baby blues, I think I could handle that, but real, debilitating depression. My son doesn't deserve that, nor does Michael, and I really don't want to have to deal with it. I've been depressed before, but never to the point that I felt I needed to seek help, even if I probably should have. It always goes away after a while. I'll have to seek help if it happens again, though, because now I have Wesley, and he deserves a mom who is whole and well. Just one more thing I don't want to talk about with Michael.

P.S. I just read the description on my baby bar, and thank God that none of that is true! I am uncomfortable, but I don't have hemorroids or any bathroom issues, and I'm really okay, as long as people don't ask me how I'm doing all the time, because that's just annoying.

Happy Birthday Mom!

2009-12-08T08:07:00.002-05:00

Today is my mom's birthday, and she is an awesome person. I don't know how much I've talked about her, but I love her like crazy. She is a rock for me, who is too often just in the background of my life. I can talk to her about nearly everything, and I find myself closer and closer to her every year.

She raised my sister, brother, and I basically by herself (even when she was still married). I love the man my dad was when I knew him, but before that he didn't have it all together, and that made life really hard for my mom. She had the three of us to take care of, and she always did, whether she thinks she always did a good job or not.

She never lost sight of what was important (or at least not for long enough for me to notice). She took care of us while teaching us to take care of ourselves, and has now let go as much or as little as each of us needs as we make our way into full adulthood. Most importantly, and the gift I most treasure, she held onto her faith and principles, and passed them on to us.

Happy Birthday, Mom. I love you.

Hungry

2009-12-07T13:39:00.002-05:00

Hungry is my most defining personality trait right now. Second place is tied for tired and achy (ache-y? achey? idk). Yay late pregnancy!

Wesley has dropped a little, but as I have no experience with pregnancy, I have no idea if he's dropped as much as he's going to, or if there's more to go. I'm hoping that this is as much as he drops, because I can breath again and I'm running to the bathroom more often than I want.

At my last appointment they said I was negative for group Strep B, which is awesome, because I don't have to worry about antibiotics when I go to the hospital.

We have the nursery almost completely organized, and even if I go into labor today, there's no preparation in there that has to be done. There are certainly things we can do if we have time, but nothing is essential.

And my to do list? It's mostly done. The house is almost completely decorated, the final touches are kind of ancillary so I'm just doing them as I feel like it. The dishes did get done, and I've kept them done. I'm not behind on laundry. As I said the nursery is fairly complete. One of the bathrooms is clean and the other one is nearly so (but we almost never use it, so I'm not as fussed about that).

I can certainly feel that nesting instinct kicking in, though. As I get things done I keep thinking of other things I need to do. The floors haven't been properly scrubbed in awhile, but I'm not going to attempt that since my idea of 'properly scrubbed' is the use of practically boiling water (changed every time it gets dirty) used with floor cleaner and a scrub brush on your hands and knees. I know better than that, but I still want to do it. I'll have to settle for Swiffer.

I'd also like to dust everything, change the sheets on the beds (which I can't do because I can't lift mattresses - especially the king), clean the washer and dryer, use Magic Eraser to clean all the fingerprints off of everything, clean all the windows (pre-requisite for finishing the Christmas Decorations with window clings), and make and freeze about 10-20 more lunches/dinners.

Now, I know I can't get all of that done on my own, and I know I probably won't get all of it done anyway, but it actually feels good to have goals, even if it occasionally feels like I'll never finish. Good practice, right?

Blech!

2009-12-02T11:28:00.003-05:00

Today is a cold rainy day. I hate cold rainy days. I don't like rain in general, and now it's cold too. Ick!. I wish that means I could stay in bed all day and read, as I would if I didn't have any obligations. But, I do have obligations, things I need to do.

I still have gifts and hand-me-downs to put away in the nursery, and I'm discovering that I don't have enough room for everything. Some of the bigger clothes are just going to have to go in space bags and be put away until Wesley grows into them. And somehow I ended up with four tote-type bags. Four! One is camoflauge, and so we're going to use that as Michael's diaper bag. But the other three? No idea what I'm going to do with them. I hate tote bags, and they generally don't work as real diaper bags because it's just one big hole (which is why I don't like them to begin with). It's beginning to dawn on me how useless some of the stuff people have given us is.

I also need to do the dishes from dinner last night. I was so tired last night I was dizzy, so they didn't get done. Hopefully I'll manage to get them down before dinner tonight.

On the plus side, I have already been to the grocery store, gotten all of the deals without spending any extra money (for once), and come back home and put everything away. So that's done. But I still have so much more to do. The bathrooms need to be cleaned, and all the floors swept, and the sheets changed, and the nursery still needs to be organized some more, and I need to decorate for Christmas. That's not a long list right?

I'm going to go with 'right!', and try to get at least a quantifiable something done today. At least one of those jobs will be done, no matter how cold and rainy it is!

Hormones

2009-11-24T09:19:00.003-05:00

Are all these hormones really necessary? Aren't the backache, heartburn, sleeplessness, constant thirst, overwhelming hunger coupled with a squished stomach and unrealistic cravings, and swelling enough to deal with during pregnancy? Why is it that when I'm trying to prepare for what is likely the biggest challenge of my life I have to be more insanely emotional than I usually am?

Michael can simply ask me how my day went or what I did, and I feel like he's interrogating me. I know he's not; he's just curious, like he's always been. It never really bothered me before. Now it pisses me off.

Then having that reaction makes me sad, so I start to cry. I think things like "A marriage shouldn't be like this" and "why am I so freaking nutty?" My life right now seems to be a study in contradictions.

I've always wished Michael would be a little more independent and need me a little less. I think he's making an effort to do that now, especially since he's not going to have a choice in a few weeks. (A few weeks? EEK!) But now when I see him do something that I would normally have done or he would have asked me to do, it makes me sad. And worse, it makes me feel bad, like I should have thought to do it for him and done it before he did.

I hear all the advice about realizing that you can't be superwoman and do it all by yourself. You can't take care of a husband and a baby and the house and yourself. I've always accepted that. I was never really sure where that help would come from, since my family is four hours away and I'll be on my death bed before I ask his mom for help. But, I figured that Michael and I could handle it together, maybe judiciously asking for help from select family friends while still making it clear that we were handling everything just fine.

But, I can feel that need to be superwoman and supermom coming on. I did not expect that, but I feel like I need to be able to handle everything by myself. I know that I can't, but I want to. I want to prove it to myself and everyone else that I can do this all by myself.

I have never felt that way about anything before, and I don't know what to do about it. How do you ask for help when you don't really trust anyone around you? My mom will be coming up for about a week, but then what? And Michael's cousins (sisters) have decided that they want to come spend some time with us sometime in January, and he doesn't see a problem with it. HELLO?!?! New infant, less than a month old, and they want to come spend the night in a house that already has very little room, and bring a toddler! I reminded the mom of the group that Wesley will certainly not be sleeping through the night at that time, and she responded that she's used to it. I didn't feel I could respond that I wasn't so much worried about her if she's stupid enough to want to come visit so early, but having to deal with her, her sister, her daughter, and an infant who will need to be fed every two to three hours is a little above and beyond the call of duty for me. I'll have to try to figure out how to get that message across.

So, I'm sure all this pressure I'm feeling to get everything right the first time isn't helping my crazy hormonal self, but I really wish the hormones would just go away, or at least back off a little. I've cried more in the last week than in probably the last year. Grrr.

Vocabulary and all that other proper English stuff

2009-11-20T07:59:00.004-05:00

I freely admit that I am a word freak. When the congressman shouted out "You lie!" at the President and it was called an admonishment, I was very angry. I could care less that he did it, but it was not an admonishment. A scold, maybe, but an admonishment is supposed to be a genteel way of letting someone know you disapprove.

When my husband first mentioned the word 'pummies', I was perplexed. I asked him what a 'pummy' was, and he said the word is 'pummies', there is no 'pummy', and it refers to what's left after sugar cane stalks are ground for the juice. Fair enough, but the word always bothered me, since there really can't be a plural form of a word unless there is a singular form. This year I finally managed to find where the word came from. It's a regionalization of the word 'pomace', which refers to the solid remains from fruit that has been pressed or ground for its juice, mispronounced as 'pummies' and used with incorrect grammar so it seemed to be plural, and now refers solely to the waste from sugar cane in this area. This misuse has been around since the late 1800s, and still isn't in the regular dictionary (thank God). That makes me want to start a movement to strike 'pummies' from the local vocabulary and reinstitute use of 'pomace', but I know I losing battle when I see one.

I have the websites for the Mirriam-Webster and Oxford dictionaries bookmarked. I put the complete Oxford English Dictionary on my Christmas list every year (no luck yet, but it is expensive). I own at least three general dictionaries and two specialized dictionaries (medical and musical). I have been known to end up reading the dictionary after using it to look up one word and either having another word catch my eye or continuing to look up words within the definition of the original or subsequent words. New words bother me. I don't care if they put them in the dictionary, there is rarely a need for a new word. 'Truthiness' for example, is unneccessary. There is nothing wrong with the word 'truthful' or, if you must, 'truthfulness'. Chances are that if a word has been made up or 'coined', there is another word or form of a word that will do just as well and has actually been used for a long time. If 'pummies' isn't in the dictionary after approximately 150 years of use, we can certainly do without 'truthiness', even if it has been made popular by the ignorant.

Words that are not words also bother me. 'w00t' can not be a word because it contains numbers. I honestly don't care if people debase themselves and their language base with such idiocy, or if they use such idiosyncrasies occasionally because it's appropriate in that situation, but do not presume to call it a 'word' in the true sense. Words are composed of letters, and letters only!

So, all of that said, please let it also be implied that 'all that other proper English stuff' refers to grammar, syntax, punctuation and the like. Misuse of the English language in any form bothers me, but if I go into those other areas this post will never end.

My point? Well, I'm not sure I have one, but I was reading an article about the top words of the past few years (as rated by Mirriam-Webster) and words that have been added to the dictionary and it made me mad, so I blogged. :)

Waaah!

2009-11-18T12:38:00.002-05:00

I'm sick. Only I'm not actually sick, it's 'only' allergies. And, when you're pregnant, there's not much you can take for allergies. What can you take? Benadryl. What does Benadryl do? Put me to sleep. Very few medications actually do, but Benadryl does. So I take Benadryl at night and pretty much just suffer during the day. So, since Saturday I've had a headache. Then on Monday the scratchy throat started. And I haven't had a full night's sleep in over a week, which isn't helping.

The good things? I'm not feeling so horrible that I can't do anything but watch TV. If I had a job, I'd still be going to work. I've been able to keep up with the few things I have to do, both for the DOL so I can continue to receive my unemployment and around the house so it stays relatively clean.

Also good: I can't seem to focus on my medical transcription course or on the home transcription work I was doing, so I'm getting caught up on my cross stitch. I finished a birth sampler for Wesley, and I'm currently working on a baby blanket for him. After that will be the three lab pups I have started for Michael but I had to put down for awhile because of the detail, and then the Mickey and Firefighter piece I was working on.

Have I mentioned that Michael is a volunteer firefighter? Part of the reason I can't get a full night's sleep. His pager and radio can't be set for just his department, so we get all of the fire and EMS calls for the entire county. ALL NIGHT LONG. We will have to come up with a solution before the baby is born, because I have a feeling that my child will sleep little enough without being woken in the middle of the night by an EMS call for some idiot who thinks stubbing his toe means he needs to call 911 for a broken foot. I'm not kidding, it's happened here, and he was later overheard telling someone he called so he could get a ride to Thomasville in the ambulance. He didn't have any other way to get there, you understand.

There was a point to this post, but I've forgotten it, so we'll leave it with I'm sick and pregnant and sleepy and feel sorry for me! Thanks!

Veteran's Day

2009-11-11T07:38:00.002-05:00

My grandfather, father, father-in-law, and at least four of my uncles were in the military. My grandfather survived D-Day. My father, father-in-law, and uncles were in Vietnam. Once my father spoke to me about his pre-deployment training. That was the only time I ever heard from any of them about their experiences in the military.

But, when I stayed with my dad or uncles, I heard their occasional nightmares. I saw the haunted look in my father's eyes when I went to check on him the first time. I saw how sorry he was that he disturbed me. HE was sorry. I understood, but it made me sad, because he shouldn't have been sorry, but it was the way he was raised. My grandfather drank to deal with the memories, my dad, being a clean alcoholic, wouldn't. Nor did he smoke or turn into a bitter old man. He simply kept it to himself, the way he was taught a man should. I'm glad we're moving away from that.

The look was completely gone the next morning, and we never mentioned it. I never woke him again, unless I could manage it by making a loud noise or some other contrivance, rather than physically waking him up. I knew he would rather deal with the nightmares than know that I had heard him again.

I am proud of my family members who have served. I am proud of all who have served. Thank you. Thank you for your physical service, your emotional and mental trials and tribulations. Thank you for everything your family has been through. For the milestones you didn't deserve to miss, for the pain you didn't deserve to go through, and for the day-to-day joys you should have been able to be there for, thank you.

Wiggly

2009-11-10T07:59:00.002-05:00

I have a very wiggly child. The doctor has me counting his movements after dinner. I'm supposed to feel ten movements in less than one hour. It usually takes about five minutes. When I took the chart to my last appointment, she asked me if I was sure I had the times recorded correctly. Then she referred to the ultrasound to be sure that I'm not having twins.

I'm not, which is good because the twin would have just appeared from nowhere and that would have been very strange. Still, he's very wiggly. I'm not sure he ever stops moving, though the pregnancy books all assure me that he has developed a sleep pattern. It is rather fun to watch my abdomen move, though. Sometimes I'm lopsided because of the way he's sitting. Or I'll be laying down and Harley will be curled up against me, and when Wesley moves Harley sits up and looks around like 'Who did that? I don't think there should be that kind of movement there...' It's very cute.

Occasionally, he does something that hurts, and that's not so fun, but I suppose it's all part of the 'joy of pregnancy'. The headache, backache, swelling, having to eat when you're not hungry, fatigue, and people asking constantly how the baby is. Seriously, people, he fine! He's where he's supposed to be, and while I'm not a doctor, I'm sure that's about all that's required for most babies to be fine before they're born. Even if something was wrong, I probably wouldn't be the one to tell you, and I certainly wouldn't be out and about so I could tell you. I would be at home or in the hospital, probably resting or possibly on bed rest, doing everything I could to make sure everything turns out ok. And if you're just trying to figure out how I'm doing by asking about my child, you can stop that right now, because it's not going to work. If I'm not doing well and you have to ask to find out, then you're not one of those people I would tell. I'm either forthcoming, without you having to ask, or you don't get to be one of those people I tell when I'm feeling like crap.

Anywho...I have a very wiggly child, and right now, it's very cute. Here's hoping that when he has more room to move, he decides it's just not worth it while I'm trying to change a diaper or clothing or hold him still for any multitude of reasons...I can dream, right?

How do adults make friends?

2009-11-03T09:34:00.003-05:00

I love having all of my bloggy friends and connecting with other people like this. If I'm following your blog, you can be sure that I read it and laugh or cry with you as appropriate, even if I don't comment. I love that I have built-in advice and life stories from other women and mothers to rely on, especially in this form, because I can take your advice or decide to do something different without having to voice all the usual platitudes and worry about how it will affect our relationship. We only know each other over the internet and if either one of us offends the other, it's pretty easy to deal with, move on, forget, or whatever.

That said, I would like to have some real life friends too. My husband has more female friends in this area than I do. And he only has two! He occasionally talks with them online, and sometimes we go out as a group. However, I haven't found much in common with either of these ladies, and they're not the type of people I would seek out as my friends, especially since neither is married or has children and that's where I am in my life right now. I have the same problem with most of the friends I still have from high school. One or two of them are married and either have kids or are having kids, but I wasn't really close to them in high school and we're more Facebook friends than anything. I might make an effort if they lived here, but they don't.

So what do I do? How do adults go about making friends? We have childbirth class tonight, and I have a vague hope of meeting a couple there who is having their first child. Even if I do, though, I would have a clue what to do next. I saw my friends in high school and college during class or church. We rarely got together outside of that. If we did, it was generally because the other person suggested the plans and I only had to agree. I am essentially a loner, which is why blogging is such a great medium for me. But I feel like I need one or two good real life friends. I mean, doesn't everybody?

And if I were in a bigger city, I think I could find friends more easily. Every other person wouldn't have some connection to my husband's family, and every third or fourth girl wouldn't have dated, slept with, or know someone who has dated or slept with my husband. Okay, that's probably an exaggeration, but it's really annoying to feel like you're clicking with someone and you could possibly have a friendship and then you find out that her best friend in high school was the first person your husband slept with and she knows more about that experience because she was told all about it almost immediately and your husband "doesn't remember" (yeah right).

Yes, that really happened, but anyway, it's really frustrating to live in such a small community and have married into one of the more prominent families in the area. I even went to a few Council of Catholic Women meetings to try to find some friends, but everyone was older than me by at least 10 years, and half of them had some connection to the family. And the family isn't even Catholic! Grrr.

There are no bookclubs, there is no community orchestra or band, and I have no idea how to meet people. I met Michael online. I managed to meet one friend while I was in college, even though I had three roommates, took about fifteen classes in that time, and participated in the community orchestra and church youth group. I'm bad at meeting people and making friends.

I guess this is coming up right now because I could really use a supportive circle of friends right now. And I would love it if they were friends that were in the same stage of life as I am and don't know my in-laws or husband or husband's friends so that I can freely speak my mind without worrying about it getting back to them. But those kinds of friendships don't happen overnight, and I need some girlfriends now. Heh...sigh...

Thoughts

2009-10-27T18:15:00.003-04:00

The thoughts for which I cannot come up with a full post:

I found out today that anesthesiologists are a humorless lot, at least when they're doing an anesthesia consult for the hospital here. Maybe it's because people always fall asleep when they're around. Not a whole lot of need for good bed side manner there.

I have a baby shower coming up this Saturday, yes, on Halloween. I'm very excited, and the theme is Pirates and Princesses. The best part? My eighth grade dance dress still fits, and it's kind of medieval-princessy so I don't have to buy a costume. :)

I know I'm seven months pregnant and am just starting to show, but I'm really sick of complete strangers asking me if I'm sure of my due date. Yes, I'm sure my due date is Christmas Eve, even if I only appear to be five months pregnant to your uneductated eye. Oh, you're not a doctor? I'm shocked!

While I'm sure my due date is Christmas Eve, I'm also fairly sure my son will come late just like every other child in my family has come late for the past two generations, so stop asking me how I'm going to handle his birthday! I will handle it in a way that he doesn't feel cheated, and it's none of your business.

I realized today that because my child is due on Christmas Eve, Advent will have a special meaning to me this year. I just hope I'm not so uncomfortable that I can't appreciate it.

The cold weather needs to make up its mind to stay here. I'm really tired of having to use the heater at night for a couple days and then the air conditioning for the next couple of days.

We got a new couch and I love it! It was desperately needed and helps my sciatica a lot, but my feet don't touch the floor when I sit on it. I'm short.

Is anyone really surprised that Baby Einstein videos don't actually make for smarter children? When was the last time you learned something watching repetetive sock puppet skits? Still, I wish I had some to return because I could use a couple extra bucks.

So frustrated!

2009-10-22T08:51:00.003-04:00

I didn't get that job. And not having a job is beginning to wear on me. I am doing some home transcription work, but I'm earning a pittance (around $6/hr) and there are certainly no benefits, other than gaining experience and I don't know how valuable that's really going to be.

I feel like I'm stuck in limbo. I'm not really a SAHM because I'm searching for a job and I am doing that transcription work, but I'm also not really working because I don't have a steady job (the transcription work is an independent contractor position). It makes for a very confusing day in which I feel like I get nothing done.

I can see that the laundry is done, the floors are swept, the dishes washed, the bathrooms clean and the house generally cleaner and more organized than ever. I get transcription assignments done and track the money I'm earning, little though it is. I'm doing a home medical transcription course and I see myself completing the chapters and sending the work in. And yet I feel as though nothing ever gets done, and I have no idea why.

So what do I do? I have no idea. I think part of my problem right now is that I was riding a high after that job interview and came crashing down when I heard the words, "I'm sorry, but we selected another applicant who had experience in a medical office." I just don't see myself finding another job opportunity like that, perhaps because I've been looking for three months and that was the first one I found that I was really excited about.

Still, in the end I know I have to have faith that this is part of God's plan for me, and that it will all turn out right. What doesn't kill you (or your spirit), makes you stronger, right?

I'm back

2009-10-13T07:48:00.003-04:00

I was trying to think of a snappy title for this post since it's my first in months, but I couldn't. Oh well.

So, to catch up: I lost my job to the boss' daughter-in-law in July. All of us were getting tired of seeing her get paid just to watch her own child, but perhaps I was simply too outspoken or overheard by the wrong person. The great thing? I've been less stressed looking for a job than I was trying to do that job and ignore all of the gray-area business practices that were going on. Like buying clothes for the DIL and granddaughter on the company credit card. And 'business' lunches with extended family. And gasoline for a Dodge Durango for 'business' trips. Okay, so maybe it wasn't so gray-area, but according to the boss it was her money anyway and she should be able to spend it any way she wanted, regardless of the things the business needed to stay competitive and allow employees to do their jobs correctly and lawfully.

Rant over. I really am glad to be gone from there, even if it does put us in a little bit of a tight spot financially. I've had a few interviews for other jobs, but nothing so appealing as the job I interviewed for on Friday. It's a receptionist position at a local family medical practice, and it would be so awesome if I got the job. Unfortunately, I'm up against at least ten other people. That makes it pretty likely that someone else will be just as qualified as I am, despite my being really qualified, and that person probably isn't pregnant. But I've been praying and hoping and I should hear something by the end of the week. If I don't, I'm actually going to follow up with this one just to be sure. I absolutely hate calling people for any reason, so that should tell you how badly I want this job. My main task would be to answer the phone (at 300+ calls per day), take messages which note symptoms and such, put the message in the patient file, and notify the appropriate doctor or nurse. The benefits to dealing with those patients? Working in a team environment without having every task be completed as a team, a matching 401k, free medical insurance (for me) and physician services (for me and my household), access to prescription samples, 18 paid days off per year to start, 6 other paid holidays, quarterly profit-sharing bonuses (which have been as little as $50 and as much as $1000), and $250/year for scrubs and shoes, all at a respectable rate of pay that is way more in line with the job description than I was ever paid at my previous job. A clear job description and excellent benefits and pay. It really sounds like heaven to me.

Speaking of heaven, my little gift from heaven is coming right along. We found out it's a boy (and there is absolutely no doubt) and we are naming him Wesley Joshua. The due date is Christmas Eve, and I'm hoping that he comes a little late because I really don't want to be in the hospital on Christmas. It's a little evil and wrong, but I also hope he comes late because this year is the year we are spending Christmas with Michael's family and I'd rather his first Christmas be with my family. Especially since we live here and Michael's family will see him and interact with him so much more. If it was something I had any control over I would really struggle with those feelings, but since I don't have any control I don't feel too horrible.

Anyway, along with baby come things like the nursery. Here are some pictures, I'll post more when we have some more things done.

So those are the major things that have happened since I last posted. I will certainly try to post more often, especially since I have all this time on my hands right now, but I also miss doing this. Wish me luck!

Gucci Bag or Tie, Anyone?

2009-06-01T11:37:00.002-04:00

Thank you to everyone who headed over here from other blogs in response to my comment, and special thanks to those who didn't remove my totally selfish comment (which you had every right to do), and allowed me to use their blogs in a totally selfish way.

So, on to the contest. Mama Still Wears Gucci is hosting an awesome contest for her birthday where you could win a Gucci bag or tie. The thing is, she's going to make you work for it. The contest is open until midnight on June 7, and will run until December 7, which is her son's birthday. The contest will be based on percentage of weight loss, and is open to men and women. The men may choose the tie, or give the bag to someone special. At the conclusion of the contest, Gucci Mama will post the winner along with before and after pics of all the participants.

I know there's nothing in there about having to create a blog post of your own referring people to the contest, but I am pregnant, and so I can't enter. I consoled myself with the comforting thought that I won't have my before and after pics on the web, and I'd have all these inspiring stories of weight loss to turn to after my child is born. Gucci Mama, however, showing an infinite kindness, has offered an alternative to her pregnant readers: recruit people for the contest, and whoever recruits the most people will win an alternative prize. Well, what can I say? I love to compete, and I LOVE to win. So, please, go to Gucci Mama's blog post about the contest, sign up, and tell her I sent you! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

My Eggo is Preggo

2009-04-30T21:41:00.002-04:00

I wanted to set that as my facebook status, but Michael made a face, so I decided to use it here instead.

Yep, I'm pregnant! And right now, as you'll see to the right, my baby looks like a reptile. But that's ok, I know eventually the tadpoleishness will fade and it will be clear that the father of my child is indeed human. Assuming that my husband is human...hmmm...I hadn't thought about that before.

But, anyway. This is a little earlier than we had planned, but, surprise! God doesn't always think our plans are the best thing for us, and so here we are. Yay!

I will keep everyone updated, for now I'm going to be a responsible (eek!) mother and go get some sleep.

Just In Case...

2009-04-22T13:05:00.003-04:00

...you happen to be giving directions to someone, please keep in mind that you are probably giving that someone directions because he or she isn't familiar with that part of town. And, in that case, you should probably mention any odd-looking intersection that aren't pretty close to the standard + shape. For example, if there is an intersection which happens to be of a shape where the road into the intersection leads the driver into the right hand turn lane, and the straight/left-turn lane doesn't really seem to lead to a 'straight' option (unless you count a dirt road, which might be a driveway), but rather only a left-turn option is clear. So the driver turns right. Should the driver then call you because the driver finds him- or herself in the middle of nowhere with no helpful street signs or 'civilization: 2 miles' type signs and in a slight panic because he or she has only twenty minutes to get back to work, your response should not be "I have no idea, have you thought about turning around?". Because, truly, if you feel comfortable enough to give someone directions (after taking away their GPS system...hypothetically, of course), you ought to know everything that person might encounter. If he or she reached a traffic light and turned right, after going straight through the first traffic light, you ought to know where he or she is. You certainly shouldn't have to suggest that the driver retrace his or her steps as your first suggestion. But, say the driver does, and the driver manages to find the way back to the traffic light in question and describes it for you, again, and asks you to turn left or right, you should again be able to give a concrete answer. You should not say "I really don't have any idea where you are." This may cause the driver to become infuriated and hang up on you, causing the driver to have to fend for him- or herself in an unfamiliar part of town. You should be paying enough attention, and have been familiar enough with the route you gave the driver to know where he or she is. Really, you should. It's only nice. And, certainly, when the driver does manage to find his or her own way after ignoring your phone calls (you've already been no help, why would you be able to help now?), and then does take pity on you and answer the phone, you shouldn't demand an explanation of how the driver found his or her way. If the driver should happen to humor you, I really, truly, and with everything I have, advise against saying "Oohhh! Now I know where you were! Well, I could have told you an easier way to get back, but that works. I wish you'd been more clear." Because that might really piss the driver off.

*Disclaimer: This is a hypothetical situation. Any resemblance it has to an actual event is ~~not~~ accidental. Though it may seem to be loosely based an an incident that may or may not have happened on my lunch hour today due to certain instructions given to me by my husband, I can assure you that it is purely a situation of my own imagination. Thank you.

All I Want To Do is Read

2009-04-21T09:24:00.003-04:00

I'm obsessed with books. If you saw Inkheart, I'm the crazy, cowardly aunt with the huge library (or I'd like to have a library that huge). Belle is my favorite Disney princess because of that gigantic library she has. There is no such thing as 'enough' books. I imagine that if I managed to read every book ever written in or translated into the English language I would have to learn another language (Italian, most likely) just so I could keep reading. If you read my previous post, you know I was reading the Twilight series. I finished it in four days. Yes, really. Four books, four days. And I still went to work. I didn't sleep very much.

I don't go into book stores unless I've just read some very good books, because I don't trust myself to go in starving. I've drained my bank account more than once doing that. Even when I'm not starving I really can't go in very often because I don't trust myself to browse. I have to go in with a specific goal. Mostly I shop online because I can just look up the book I want without catching sight of others that look good as well. It's not as fun, but it's safer and cheaper as well.

So, you would think that a career having something to do with books would be a good pick for me. I thought so too. An editor, for instance, would be a fantastic job for me, but I imagine I'm not the only bibliophile out there who enjoys reading not only the finished product on the shelves with a red pen in hand but also any rough copy I can get my hands on. I've stopped reading my finished books with a real red pen actually in my hand - they get rather messy - but if I get my hands on an advance copy or a manuscript (say, online, after a book has been published) it's so much fun for me to see what I would have changed compared to what was changed. So, I've been doing some research, and it turns out that the best place to become an editor (after obtaining a college degree in English) is New York. Damn. I know I'm not the only red-pen-armed bibliophile there, and I'm not actually even there, nor will I ever really be there for long enough to start a career and become established enough to work away from there. Damn, damn, damn.

Okay, next plan. Something, perhaps, attainable in this small little 'town' where I live? English teacher? Hmm...that has possibilities. I've always loved English. I'd teach high school, of course. I have a hard enough time dealing with adults and those who are almost adults, I couldn't imagine middle school, or *shudder* having to teach every subject including Math in Elementary School. Nothing too terrible about this career path, except perhaps the pay and extra hours outside of school, but I could get over that. Of course, the students could be a problem for me. I hated the students in my high school classes who made fun of Shakespeare and couldn't appreciate the beauty of classic literature. Would I feel the same hatred? Would I be able to get past it? Would I be able to let it go and not judge them on it? If they obviously hated the material but wrote good papers would I be able to grade them fairly? Well, yes, if the papers were good. But what if they were only mediocre? Would I grade them worse because I felt they hadn't even tried because they hated the book or play? I honestly don't know. And, I'm afraid it would ruin it for me if I didn't have at least one student like me in every class.

And, in the end, all I want to do is read. Yep, read. I don't want to analyze or find the themes or write up tests or any of that nonsense. I just want to read and enjoy books without knowing why. But, after all those years of having all of that 'nonsense' pounded into my head, I can't help it. I see foreshadowing and themes and everything else that is written into good books (which I can't write myself, incidently) without even trying. I wonder what all of it means. What should I be doing?

Why Couldn't I Have Fallen in Love with a Vampire?

2009-04-14T11:06:00.002-04:00

I'm reading Twilight. Well, actually, I started reading Twilight yesterday and I finished it (including the preview of the next book) this morning. I have the rest of the series on the way (thanks to Amazon). I should have known better and either a) never started reading it, or b) bought all the books at once.
I'm incredibly impatient when it comes to reading series books. I bought two other books yesterday (also part of a series), along with Twilight, but Wal-mart didn't have the other books in the Twilight series, or even the third book and fourth book of the other series I bought. And I know better than to start a series without having all the books available to me if they are published. But I couldn't resist, something about a good vampire is just so attractive.

And now, I find myself insanely jealous of Bella. I know it's not real. I know that vampires aren't supposed to exist. I know that even if vampires did exist it would be very unlikely that I, with my luck, would find the 'good' ones. And yet I am so jealous! Every day of my life I have waited for something unusual, out of the ordinary, and even supernatural to happen. Visions brush the edge of my dreams, I recognize them later but never understand them when I dream them. Sometimes something happens to make the dream take on new meaning, as if I'm seeing it clearly for the first time, and then I understand. I've had these dreams for as long as I can remember, and they don't scare me like they used to, but it's the closest I've ever gotten to something fantastical happening to me. I read stories of the supernatural and the other-wordly greedily, hungrily, as if I can pick something up about how to run into this world we cannot see. As I was reading the Harry Potter series I waited anxiously for my letter to arrive on my 11th birthday, even though I knew it was silly and wouldn't happen. When it didn't, I waited for my 16th birthday, to wake up levitating ala Sabrina the Teenage Witch. When that didn't happen, I waited for my first love to tell me he was really not human, something else (vampire didn't cross my mind, but angel, or demon-turned-good-by-the-sight-of-me, or something like that was the idea), and he had a mission here on earth and then he would have to leave forever...except, of course, that he wouldn't, because he loved me too, and he couldn't. That didn't happen either, of course, he really just didn't like me like that.

These thoughts/dreams/hopes have continued through my life. I see a story and whether or not I'm the correct age and in the correct social position of the heroine, I hope that it will happen to me, even if just the for time I'm absorbing the story. Over time my enthusiasm and expectation have diminished of course, but I don't think it'll ever go away, this wish to be something more than who I am.

It doesn't help that I can't seem to be content with my life the way it is, of course. I'm not one of those people who blithely say they would do it all over again the same way. I wouldn't, if given the chance. I know I still wouldn't be able to control the future, especially if I couldn't retain my memories, or could only change one decision. I might even end up in the same situation I am in, just with different people playing the roles.

I think what really makes me envy these characters and their lives is how blissfully happy they seem. Even when there is trouble, angst, danger, what have you, there is something about their life they love. There is something they chose that put them in all of those terrible situations, and they are so happy with that choice that they wouldn't change a thing. What a joy it must be to have a life like that. To be absolutely sure you are on the right path for you, to be sure you are where you want to be. Even if they doubt it, even if they wonder, eventually they realize they made the right choice, because, on some level, they've known it all along. Will I eventually realize that I did the right thing? That everything is going to be okay because I'm where I'm supposed to be? Or will I always live wishing, hoping, praying, that something will happen to drastically change my life, so that I can finally be happy?

Lent/Easter

2009-04-13T09:13:00.003-04:00

Lent is a fairly depressing time for me. I choose to let it be that way, but I cannot ignore the traditions I have been raised with. I could ignore the fact that this is the time we reflect on our sins, for which Christ, sinless, was hung on a cross, and hung there in agony for three hours. This is the time we reflect on how all that we have done and do and will do brought him to Jerusalem for the Last Supper, and into the Garden of Gethsemane where Satan tempted Him to lay down His cross and be done with it, with us. God couldn't have faulted Him, as He was and is God, and was and is sinless. But Jesus did not abandon us, He did not walk away, as He had every right to. Instead, He carried His cross, walked the path to Golgotha, and hung on the cross to cry "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabacthani?" ("My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?") These words echo through my mind all through Lent. It becomes my cry, my agony. On Palm Sunday, Catholics around the world recite the Lord's Passion. The congregation says certain parts aloud, while the narration, the part of Christ, and the part of other individual speakers are read by the priest and lectors. It is a powerful experience for me. If you are a Christian and have never come to a Palm Sunday Mass (whether or not you are Catholic) I would suggest you go. Watching the Passion (Mel Gibson's movie) was a powerful experience to be sure, but to place yourself in the shoes of and to be the voice of the people who shouted "Crucify Him! Crucify Him!" is to understand that none of us are above reproach. It gives new meaning to understanding that we are all sinners. It's humbling to realize that the sins in our life led Christ to the cross just as surely as those people and the chief priests and scribes who stirred the crowd to hatred of Him. When you realize that Christ not only died for your sins, but that He died BECAUSE of your sins, and went to Calvary literally carrying the weight of every sin ever committed since the beginning of time and every sin ever to be committed until the end of time, it is the most humbling experience you will likely ever have. It has brought me to bitter tears more than once.

That being said, I can usually shake off the depression of Lent for the joy of Easter. When I hear "Allelujah! Allelujah! He is RISEN TODAY!" My heart swells, tears of joy fill my eyes. I remember that my Lord is with me always, He knows I am sorry for my sins, and He forgives me for everything. I feel light and free; gone is the weight of what I have done, replaced with an unrelenting grace and joy that can only be from God.

That didn't happen this year. I wonder if it is because I have stepped away from God's path for my life, or if it is because I have stepped away from Him without realizing it. Easy and gentle are the first steps of path that leads away from God's love and grace, and we often don't realize that we are on that path until we find ourselves completely lost and without direction and crying "Eloi, ELOI! Lama sabacthani?" I still pray and meditate on the glories of God, and I know He is there, but I feel as though I've done something that has seperated me from Him. Those fateful words still echo through my mind, and Easter did not hold the joy it should have. As I think back, Easter has not held that joy for a few years, and I wonder how long I have been off the path of goodness and righteousness. My heart and soul are parched and long for the river of God's grace, but my feet cannot seem to find the way. Where did I stop following God's Will for my life? When did I look down and despair of my dirty feet on the narrow path, and see an easier way I thought would be better? When did I stop trusting in the Lord for fear of myself? I still recognize the Spirit within me, for I still praise God and see His miracles and graces. Many people don't realize that you needn't follow Satan to stop following the Lord. There are many paths, but only one leads to God. I know that God is still with me, but I fear that I am not with Him.

Please, Lord, I am a lost sheep and need You to come find me, for I haven't the strength to return to You. I am desperate for You, Lord. I try to run to You and find that I have only the strength to crawl. I no longer understand the path you have set for me, and I do not see Your Will. Lead me to where You want me, Lord. Make me Yours again, and show me Your Will. Only You are worthy, only You deserve my praise, my heart, and my life. Open my eyes, Lord, that I may see the way back to You. Open my ears, that I may hear Your sweet voice. Open my heart, that I may know You again. Please, Lord, I need You.

Swap Hop!

2009-04-06T09:04:00.003-04:00

Yay, a bloggy swap!

Country Girl, City Life (the exact opposite of my situation, by the by) is hosting a Favorite Things Swap. If you'd like to participate, head over there now and sign up, then prepare to send out your favorite things!

Why Can't They?

2009-03-30T10:51:00.003-04:00

I've been frustrated by a number of small things lately, as follows:

Why can't they make 'shoe liners' such as those worn with high heels that actually don't show, instead of only claiming to not show?

Why can't they switch me from 5 8-hour days to 4 10-hour days, so I can have more personal time?

Further, why can't I just work my 40 hours when I want to, instead of having to conform to any particular schedule?

Why can't they make the glue come off with the calendar page in tear-away desk calendars, so you aren't left with overhanging glue, which, when torn off, does not leave a clean line?

Why can't people just be nice, even online? Anonymity is not an excuse or incentive for vile behavior.

Why can't they make a flat-iron that actually straightens my hair?

Why can't people understand that stay-at-home moms are doing a job?

Why can't people accept that 'gender-specific' roles are always going to exist? "God created them, male and female He made them....And He said 'It is good.'"

Why can't they create a houseplant that is easy to take care of?

And while we're at it: Why can't they make world peace happen?

Yay!

2009-03-24T10:48:00.003-04:00

I am so proud of myself. I'm back on my diet. :) It's been rough going the past couple of months, but I'm determined to beat my emotional eating and learn to ~~deal with~~ enjoy exercising. I know I need to do this for myself, and it's getting easier and easier to read my emotional triggers for what they are.

A big part of this for me will be learning to not stress over things I have no control over, like the number of hours in the day. I also need to recognize those situations I stress about that should actually be a comfort and a release from stress, like spending time with Michael. I think I'm beginning to see myself more clearly than I have in the past, and I'm trying to shift from excuses and blame to truth and support.

When they say losing weight is a life-style change, they aren't kidding, but it's not just about the food you eat and your activity level. If you're an emotional eater, have been overweight for your whole life or a long time, or have a low level of self-esteem, it's an outlook and attitude change as well. You might be able to lose some weight for other people, or so you can look great at this wedding or that social event, but eventually you will stop losing weight because you're not doing it just for yourself. And that doesn't mean beating yourself up about it because you know you're unhealthy or look fat. It means that you have to recognize that you are worth all the time you spend measuring ingredients or portion sizes, fitting exercise into your day, and buying the healthy foods you need and the new clothes you have to buy when you lose weight. Very simply, you are worth it! That is where I have been struggling. I don't think anyone specifically thinks the words "I'm not worthy of this" or "I don't deserve this", but when we try to lose weight or change our lives for anyone or anything but ourselves, we are putting ourselves in last place. For some things, that's exactly where we need to be: humility and servitude help us carry out God's will, and without them we would never have peace in anything. When it comes to doing something that requires a life change, however, we must learn to put ourselves first in that thing. We can recognize the benefits to everyone else, but we must understand that the primary beneficiary is 'you', the person doing the changing. And you must be okay with that. If you are not, if your main reason for making a change in your life is someone or something else, then it will not stick.

So, my reason for doing all of this is me. And I know I will continue to struggle with that. If I didn't, I would fear for my soul. But I know I have to do this, because I need it for my life. Like any wife or mother, I must learn to recognize that crucial point where the benefits of putting yourself last no longer outweight the benefits doing something for yourself, and the benefits of doing something for myself, in fact, reach far beyond me and impact everyone around me in a positive way. It's a tightrope I've heard many women talk about, I just never expected it could be so difficult.

Our First Anniversary

2009-03-10T12:42:00.005-04:00

On Sunday, I recalled how one year ago, Michael and I said our vows, promising ourselves to the other forever, come what may. We walked down the aisle, arm in arm, smiling, with our family and friends around us, and the day seemed so wonderful. Our reception, our first dance, everything was like a fairy tale. Then it came time for our cake, which ended up in my face, courtesy of my new husband. Everything wasn't so perfect anymore.

I feel like marriage itself is very much like that. Everything is going along just peachy, and then something happens and before you know it you're hurt and angry and wondering why in the world you let this person into your life.

Over the past year, Michael and I have discussed our hopes and dreams for our future, ending the marriage, having kids, building a house, and how much we hate each other sometimes. We've had some definite low points, but I knew we could get through it, if only we tried hard enough. This past year has meant a lot to me, because I feel like every year we're together it cements the relationship, and now we've made it through a year of marriage. That's something to celebrate.

Celebrate we did. We went to Gatlinburg, TN, and Helen, GA. It was just a short weekend trip, but I thought it would be fun. We hadn't gone anywhere since the honeymoon, and we both needed a vacation, even if it was just a little one. Once again, everything was wonderful.

He wanted his gift on Friday night, and I didn't see the harm. So I gave it to him, and he said "Only a card?" But I just nodded and said "Yep, just what's in the envelope." So he opened it, read the card and what I wrote, said thank you, and was just about to close it when he noticed what was stuck to the last part of the card. Tickets. To Talladega Superspeedway for the Aaron's 499. I thought he would be so excited and happy, because he's never been to Talladega, and they are good seasts, but he just looked at them and said "Oh, that's nice, thank you." So we talked about the tickets for awhile, decided that I wouldn't go because my nephew is due around that time and I want to go to see him. We talked about some other things, and then he gave me my gift.

"Well, I didn't get you anything, so you can just pick you out something, ok?" Yep, that's what I got for my anniversary...just a whole bunch of cake in my face. Now, I'm doing The Love Dare from the movie "Fireproof", and that day's dare was to react to difficult situations calmly and lovingly, so that's what I felt I had to do. I had also suspected that he didn't get me anything, because I helped him pack both his suitcase and the car, and there was nothing there, and he's not good at hiding things, so I wasn't totally blind-sighted. If I had been I doubt I could have just said 'ok' and left it at that.

Last night, however, I was on a different dare and I mentioned it again, but I did it calmly. And he said 'oh, I'll get you something.' I felt so loved.

So, here's my question: should I leave it like it is, because I know anything I buy is going to be too expensive from his perspective, and not what I wanted anyway because what I wanted was his consideration. Or, should I buy something, regardless of the expense (as long as we can afford it), to try to make him understand where I'm coming from?

Friends at Work

2009-03-04T09:54:00.004-05:00

I have come to the conclusion that making friends at work, and especially trying to be friendly with your supervisors, is a huge mistake. I have attempted to be an easy-going, 'real' person who can be and is very professional at the times I need to be. Apparently this isn't what my supervisors are looking for, despite the 'family atmosphere' they try to achieve and maintain, and tout so much. I just received an email from my immediate supervisor regarding, among other things, my attitude. Apparently I can't tell when I'm supposed to switch from person mode to professional robot mode, or when I'm supposed to be which for which supervisor, or how to tailor my comments to their individual personalities, moods and daily issues. So, I'm not going to try anymore. I'll just be the professional robot at all times, lick their boots like a good little slave, and try not to think about work AT ALL the rest of the time (despite the fact that many of the things they praise me for are things I think about while I'm away from the office). If that's what they want, that's what they'll get, but I hope they realize that all of my company loyalty is now gone, because I think there are some places I could work and be myself without having to worry about offending one of my supervisors just because I have a better idea, or one that would work as well but is easier to implement; I also imagine that I might receive pay more appropriate to the work I do. As soon as I get a job opportunity at one, I'm gone.

Why are men so dense?

2009-03-03T09:55:00.006-05:00

My darling husband can be a complete idiot at times. This can come in the form of questions that answer themselves, statements that shouldn't be stated, ideas that should never leave his mind and questions like this gem he came up with this morning:

"So, do we get each other gifts for our anniversary, or what? I mean, I wouldn't know what to do."

Our anniversary is in 5 days. I have already gotten him a gift, thought about the presentation, what we're going to do on Sunday, and how and when to plan for the use of the gift (NASCAR tickets for Talladega). Now, 5 days before, he wants to know if we are supposed to get each other gifts. Why is it that he can't think ahead? I've already thought about gifts for his birthday, Christmas, next Valentine's Day, and our next anniversary. I haven't gone so far as to purchase anything, but I've thought about what I might get him. He has known from the day we set our wedding date about 2 years ago, that we would have our first anniversary on March 8, 2009. He should also realize that our second anniversary will be March 8, 2010. See how that works? It's the same date every year: March 8. It comes a little less than a month after Valentine's Day, so that would be a good time to start thinking about what to buy, or to agree to make each other something, or to just take a weekend away, or not buy each other anything but just spend time together. Not my husband though, he wants to be able to cobble something together less than a week ahead of time.

He also wants to go away this weekend. I could have watched for good hotel deals, etc, but now I'm stuck with what I can put together in this short amount of time. And I'll have to figure it out, because I've asked him several times since he mentioned going away this weekend where he wants to go, and he doesn't know. That's all he'll say. With other guys, that might indicate that he had all the plans already made, and he was just trying to give me fair warning so I'd have time to pack, etc. But I know Michael better than that. If he had something planned, he wouldn't be able to keep it secret. And, honestly, I know why he wants to go away this weekend: his niece is having a birthday party and he doesn't want to go. I understand that, she's going to be 4, and being around a bunch of 4-year-olds with adults who act about that age is not my idea of a good time. But still, we need to know where we're going so we can make hotel reservations.

And, finally, he wants to know what he should get me. Again. Everytime a gift-giving holiday or occasion comes up, he wants to know what he should get me. I spend hours thinking about what to get him, finding the best deal (he appreciates that) and making sure it's something he'll love. I don't always hit the mark, but I spend a lot of time trying. He just wants a list, and then he'll go out and buy something from the list. What's more, he wants a long list, so he has a lot to choose from and I won't know what I'm getting. And to add insult to injury, he won't make me a list. No matter how much I ask, he will not write down what he wants. I get one of two answers (and most often it's the first): "I don't know what I want" or "[Insert requested items]" and I have to write them down. Then, it comes to giving the gift, and I've chosen something on his list, but it turns out he doesn't want that anymore. He doesn't get mad, and he appreciates it, but you can see that it was something he changed his mind about, or he didn't realize exactly what he was asking for, or he wasn't explicit enough in his description of the item, so what I got him isn't really what he wanted.

Now, this isn't all bad. I do usually end up getting what I wanted, and Michael has excellent taste in fine jewelry. The problem here isn't the things I do or don't get. My problem with all of this is that he doesn't think about [what to get] me. I could deal with bad gifts and horrible presentation, if he would just put some thought into it. I think I would actually appreciate that more, because I would know that at some point in his day, he took time to think about me and only me, and what I would like to have that I would never buy for myself. When they say it's the thought that counts, they really mean it. He could get me a coffee mug and I would appreciate it deeply if I knew it was because he heard me say that I hate my current one and he found out why and bought me something better. All I want is a little thought, even if it is just for gift-giving, and never any other time.

Waterworks

2009-02-12T10:00:00.003-05:00

I'm a crier. And it sucks. I just had to sit through a ... conference, I guess, would be the word, with my bosses and pretend that I wasn't crying because I didn't want to be and by all rights, I shouldn't have been.

This 'conference' was about my answer to a question my boss asked me yesterday. Well, I thought he was asking me, apparently he was asking anyone in earshot who might know something about the situation. One of our clients wanted something corrected, and it was something I didn't know anything about. When he asked what was going on, I apparently said something that was too loud, was in a negative tone and was 'counterproductive'. Since he apparently wasn't asking me (though I'm fairly sure he was since I answered the phone when the client called, dealt with it the most, and he was looking directly at me when he asked), perhaps I should have just sat there and said nothing. I'm sure that would have gone over much better.

So today, when he called me in the conference room and told me what we were going to talk about, for some unknown reason, I start to cry. Now, this incident doesn't particularly upset me to the point that I should cry. I'm mad that he thinks what I said was unreasonable and didn't say anything about at the time; I think situations should be dealt with as they come, not left to simmer and change in someones mind until they've decided what happened instead of clearly remembering it. Also, I don't have a clear memory of the incident, whereas if he had said something yesterday, I would have been able to explain or at least know for sure what I said. But I digress, I can't logically see anything about this situation that should make me cry. They didn't put me on probation, I'm in no danger of losing my job, he and my other boss weren't really even mad. I think he was just concerned that at some point my frustration would spill out on a client or another employee who wouldn't be so understanding (and I'll admit that while it might touch another employee, I would never be anything but polite to a client, even if I was pissed). Over-concerned might be a better term than concerned. It bothers me that he thinks I might be rude to a client, but that's not something to cry over. It bothers me that they've never pulled the receptionist for this kind of conversation no matter how unprofessional she is to people on the phone. It bothers me that he could easily have dealt with this whole thing himself if he had picked up the phone when I told him he had a call rather than leaving the client on hold so long that she hung up. Yet none of these things is worth crying over. Please understand that I wasn't bawling. Tears gathered in my eyes and a few ran down my face despite my best attempts to blink them away. Yet I couldn't even speak my peace because my voice trembled too much when I tried, and hearing that made me want to cry more.

I didn't use to be like this. In elementary school, I tumbled down a flight of twelve tile and concrete stairs and never shed a tear. In middle school my heart was broken by the love of my life, Patrick, when he said he didn't like me back and I didn't cry until I was home and in bed for the night. Nobody even thought I was upset. Then I hit high school and ever since then I have had no control over my tear ducts. The slightest thing happens and I tear up. I can hit my foot on the pet gate and I'm crying like a baby. Michael and I are joking around and all of a sudden it's not funny to me anymore and I'm crying like he's told me he wants a divorce. What is wrong with me? I could understand it through my teenage years, with puberty and hormones going crazy, but I'm an adult now, and should be well past that. Molehills should like like molehills, not mountains. And mountains shouldn't look like they're insurmountable. They should just look like a challenge, like it's always been. Or, like it was before, like it would be to the person I think of myself as.

But here we go again, I just saw one of my bosses walk by, and I thought he might say something, so I started to tear up. He didn't stop, and I was able to dismiss it, but damn I wish I could stop this.

Wet Rat

2009-01-09T08:46:00.003-05:00

Anyone ever seen a wet rat? Believe it or not, they can be cute!

See? I told you! :)

Want to play along with the Friday Foto Fun? Visit Candid Carrie for the rules, and have fun!

Men!

2009-01-08T08:12:00.005-05:00

Let's start off on the same page: the exclamation point in the title is not one of excitement, but of the type of complete, at-the-end-of-your-rope utter frustration I'm sure every woman experiences about men at some point in her lifetime. Why am I so frustrated? Let me count the ways.

1. Office temperature. My (male) bosses seem to think that 61 is an appropriate office temperature all year round. In my and my frozen coworkers' opinions, it is never an appropriate office temperature. All year round I have to wear a coat to work because I will likely end with hypothermia if I don't. I know we don't really have a winter here, but during our approximation of that wonderful season, I have to wear gloves to work so my fingers don't turn into ice cubes and fall off while I attempt to work. I bought an electric kettle so I could have a hot drink any time without having to leave my office.
So my coworkers and I adapt. Some of them adapt with electric heaters. Which my bosses are opposed to, because they are dangerous (we can still have them, though, because the CEO is female and understands). The obvious solution? Set the temperature at about 72, year round, and get fans! Duh! But is that what happens? No, of course not, because heaven forbid they have to have a fan running when we have an air conditioning system. Our office power bill? About $1,000 a month, year round, and this is a one level office, 6000 sq.ft. My house is 1600 sq.ft., and our power bill is usually less than $100. A simple estimate puts the office power bill at $375. Even if we doubled that, it would save us $3000 per year.They want to cut costs (as always), but heaven forbid it start with the power bill.

2. Bosses who need checking up on. That's right, one of my bosses actually tells us to bug him about getting things done. Why? Because he has 'so much on his plate' he 'forgets'. Here's my question: why should it be my or anyone else's job who is not specifically an assistant to make sure the boss gets his work done?! We have our own work to do and projects to remember all the details on. No one is helping us. We make lists and put reminders on a calendar. If we forget to do something, we get our heads get bitten off. When he forgets to do something, he doesn't get in trouble, we do! He does not have an assistant, but he shouldn't need one. That's what Outlook calendars, PDAs, and to do lists are for! Everyone else has to make do (including the other boss, who does just fine).

3. Men who don't listen. Specifically, I'm talking about my husband, and I'm not talking about me saying something and him forgetting when I ask him about it a week later. He doesn't actually listen to what I say. I can be in the same room with him, looking at him, and speaking at a normal (or even loud) volume. I finish what I'm saying, and generally expect a response. Do you know what response I get? Myself, asking him if he heard me. To my and his knowledge, he doesn't have physical hearing problems. He hears me just fine if he wants to interrupt me (and when he does is about the only time I know he's listening). When I ask him if he heard me, most of the time he says "no, I'm sorry". Sometimes he mixes it up by saying "I'm sorry, no". Here's the kicker: when I don't say anything, he notices, and asks me what's wrong, or gets mad because I'm "just sitting there like a bump on a log". Then, when I say he never listens to what I say, he develops amnesia and denies it, and gets even madder because I dare suggest that he commits such an atrocity.

And finally:
4. Men making inappropriate statements around me. Two specifics here: my husband and my father-in-law. My husband is less annoying in this because he's my husband, and our level of familiarity is expected. So when he talks about things related to the toilet, or his digestive tract, or any number of other disgusting things, I understand a little. I still let him know that it's disgusting and he needs to remember that I'm a Lady (yes, in the old sense of the word;that's how I think of myself), and he needs to treat me as such, but I do understand a little.
For his father (who is much, much worse) there is no excuse. I am his daughter-in-law, not his friend, and he needs to remember that. He regularly asks me if I would like to bathe him, leans up against me, and talks about his doctor appointments, my husband and I sleeping together, his 'ding-a-ling' (no, I am not making that up) and generally acts like a lewd old man. Which, in my opinion, is what he is. Beyond the occasional lean and his 'jokes' (yes, he actually thinks it's funny to talk about those things), he has never actually done anything inappropriate toward me, and I don't think he would, but the thought has crossed my mind. No doubt he would take offense at that, but my opinion is that when you act the part questions are bound to be asked. Especially considering that he does speak about these things around his grandchildren. I grant that they are only 3 and 1, but that shouldn't matter. Especially with the three-year-old, they are getting old enough pick up on this kind of thing, and they don't need that. They are both female, and could easily learn that it's okay for other males to speak about it because "Pawpaw" does. That is not going to lead them into anything good. Does he care or even understand that? I doubt it, and it scares me, especially for my own children.

Those are my main complaints about men for now. I could go on, but you're probably already wondering if this post will ever end. Let me help you out: The End!

Resolutions

2009-01-02T15:16:00.003-05:00

I usually make New Year's Resolutions, at least one or two. This year I have several:

1. Keep up with daily devotionals and pray the Rosary at least once per week
I'm already falling behind on this one, but I have to keep trying. The Holy Spirit has been nudging me toward this for awhile, and now I feel as though it's imperative. I pray every day, but I need to do devotionals to keep up with my Scripture reading. It falls by the wayside too often.
2. Finish weight loss once and for all (hopefully by the end of June).
3. Respect Michael more.
I don't often give Michael enough credit for the wonderful man he is, and I catch myself thinking of him as a boy yet to be properly raised. But he is a grown man, and I need to learn to treat him as such, and stop trying to train him. Everyone says you can't change someone, and I believed every word, but I'm coming to the realization that you can't expect your husband to want to change just because you want him to. Subconciously, that is what I expected. If he wanted me to change, I would want to change because I love him, and vice versa. We have both changed a little to suit each other and ourselves, but I have to accept that he won't always want to change a habit or behavior that annoys me, and nor will I for him.
4. Cross stitch, play the flute, read, and enjoy life more.

I think that'll do for now. Wish me luck!

Memory & Friday Foto Fun!

2008-12-12T09:36:00.007-05:00

My memory stinks. I'm always forgetting to do things or losing items of significant value, and it tends to cause problems. On an average day I tend to lose my car keys, my house keys and my cell phone; I forget to put the clothes in the dryer, or put the dishes away. On a bad day I may lose my debit card or wallet; I forget to finish a project at work before the deadline or that Michael has something important going on that I need to be home for. On a horrible day I could lose such treasures as the memory card with all of our honeymoon pictures, or the diamond necklace Michael gave me for my 21st birthday; I might forget to make a $67,000 deposit for work which results in one of our client's accounts being overdrawn by $45,000.

All of those things have actually happened to me in the last year. All had happy (or at least acceptable) endings, but it is incredibly frustrating. I am really bad at organization and time management, but how does one improve in those areas? Would better skills in those areas solve my problem, or just make it easier to get things done when I remember them? I don't know, but improving those skills is my only plan at the moment, so I'm giving it a try. Any tips are welcome.

So far today is only a general day: I meant to bring my camera so I could participate in Candid Carrie's Friday Foto Finish Fiesta, and I was going to choose a photo that I would fiddle with if I won her Phun Photofiddle Giveaway. But (big surprise) I forgot, so instead, I'm going to have to go with this photo of my cutie nephew and Santa (I'm sure you're all so dissapointed).

Elijah is 3 years old, and that photo has not been photoshopped or retouched in any way. He is one tall kid. That's why this picture (taken before a game with Grandpa):

Will soon become this picture:

Assuming, of course, that he stays as interested in football as he is now. I don't see his interest fading any, however, since his mom and dad aren't fans (except of him) and his interest in it seems to come completely from within himself.

Want to play along with the Friday Foto Fun? Just post a phavorite photo in your post today, link to Candid Carrie's post in yours, and enter your name and URL in her post. It's easy, I promise! Go, go, go! Do it now!

Santamas

2008-11-24T07:55:00.003-05:00

Normally I would not do a post on Christmas before Thanksgiving, because I believe that Thanksgiving is being ignored and pushed aside by Christmas, but something happened this morning that I really need to vent about.

I went into a store with the intention of buying a small Nativity scene to display in my office. Advent begins this Sunday, so I need to get it this week or this weekend. I also intend to display an Advent wreath around the Nativity, and I need a Nativity that has the all the figurines separate because I put them out in a specific order, as the season progresses. I went to the section of the store that has Christmas decorations and began looking around for a Nativity that would suit my needs and couldn't find a single one. Nothing. I thought I must surely be missing it, or maybe it was in a different part of the store for some reason, so I asked a sales person. She didn't even know what a Nativity scene was. I explained: "It will have a creche, with Mary, Joseph, the baby Jesus, the wise men, the shepherds, and an Angel." She said, "Oh, we don't have anything with all that, the only thing we have is this." And she walked over to the lawn decorations, and showed me a light-up 2-D silhouette of Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus. I told her that wouldn't suit my needs and asked her if she knew if they would be getting in anything else and can you fathom what she said? "No. That's the only one like that we have, we won't be getting anymore in, and I don't think we'll be getting anything like you're saying in at all."

I was SHOCKED. I managed to say thank you and walk away. I looked around a little bit more, and realized that I saw NOTHING that made any reference to the birth of Christ whatsoever. Not even the Christmas cards. Not one Madonna and Child. Nothing that said Jesus is the Reason for the Season. Not even a cross in red and green (which seems to be a deep South thing, but I don't like them anyway, because Easter is about the cross, Christmas is about the creche). People have been saying for years that Christmas is too commercialized, and I have always agreed, but I'm afraid now that Christmas, at least in retail, is disappearing. This is not Christmas, my friends. This is not the celebration of a holy day when the Lord God Himself came to earth in the form of a helpless child, despite the consequences, simply because He loves us. What we see in the stores and in many "Christmas" movies and tv specials is Santamas. We see the popculture worship of what has become of the image of St. Nicholas, who was born in Patara (now somewhere in Turkey), who always had a fondness for and watched over children after losing his parents in an epidemic when he was young.

Do I like Santa Clause? You bet. Is he a Christian? If you trace the persona of Santa Clause back to the roots of St. Nicholas, then yes, he was a devout Christian. CHRISTian. CHRISTmas. I think St. Nick is horrified to see what has become of Christmas, and frankly, I am too. Shame on retailers, and thank God for those who truly keep to what Christmas is about (and don't decorate until after Thanksgiving, if any of those are left.)

My Family

2008-11-11T15:05:00.002-05:00

I am missing my blood family terribly today. My cutie always-makes-me-smile nephew, stoic/cynical but loving sister, quiet bother-in-law (who may as well be blood, as I've known him most of my life), easy-going and sensitive brother, and my wonderful mother. I'm also missing my father, who passed away about three years ago. I feel like I took for granted all the times I had with all of these people, though I know I didn't, with the exception of my dad. (I haven't quite forgiven myself for that yet.)

I don't know why this is coming up today, except perhaps because I'm tired and ready for a day off and I always seem to miss them when I feel like this. My mom was also up here this weekend for Old South Day. That must be it.

Still, right this moment, I'm in this place where I would give anything to be back at FSU, going to see everyone every month. Back then I didn't have a husband to worry about; no one felt used because I went down so often and no one came up. Never mind that we don't really have anything important to do on the weekends, and my sister has a young child to travel with. I'm not suggesting that we go down every weekend, but I don't think once a month is too much. Not when he gets to see his family every day. It might be different if I didn't have them to deal with, but dealing with them and then not having my support system nearby is a double hit that gets harder and harder to take.

Anyway, I'm taking this Friday as a mental health day. I hope it works, because I'm not supposed to see my family again until Christmas, which means that, with the exception of my mother, it will have been 4 months since I last saw my family. That's too much time. Michael and I are going to have to talk about that. Next thing I know it's going to be every 6 months, and then once a year, at Christmas or Thanksgiving, and we are so not going there. I don't care if I have to go down there every time, I don't care about the miles on the car and I don't care if I have to leave without telling him ( I'll only do that once, and only before we have kids). I'll make the point that I have to see my family. Often.

Professionalism

2008-11-06T09:18:00.004-05:00

In this tiny town I work in professionalism seems to be a misunderstood concept. Being professional does not mean that you are trained or educated in your chosen field and work in that field. That is being a professional, and there is a difference. Being professional, in my opinion, consists of arriving for work early enough to begin work at your scheduled time, being courteous to your coworkers, not feeling or acting entitled to more paid time off than you or anyone else has, and generally comporting yourself as though you are not the most important person in your workplace because chances are, you are not.

What has brought this little pet peeve of mine to the fore today? Our receptionist. Remember her? I did promise that I would never be nice to her again, but I knew at the time that such a thing wasn't practical, and I mainly said it because I was mad. 'Jane' is basically a good person. However, she doesn't seem to understand professionalism. She is late by at least a few minutes every day. Almost everyone else is as well, but she is the receptionist and it was made clear in her interview (just like it was in mine) that she had to be here before everyone else so she could begin answering the phones promptly at 8:00 AM. Not 8:05. Or 8:15. Also, she lives 5 minutes from the office, so she should be able to wake up as late as 7:30 and still make it in by 8. Not so much. She called and left a message on the answering machine a few days ago saying she woke up late and would be in around 8:30. The time stamp on the message was 7:00. Why in the world does it take this person an hour and and a half to get ready and make the five-minute commute to work (three minutes when it's not 'rush hour')? It's nice that she showers and washes and blow dries her hair every morning, but that only takes me 30 minutes, and my hair is longer than hers. Throw it in a ponytail, get dressed and eat a small breakfast in 20 minutes and you should be able to make it to work with 15 minutes to spare. I would love to know what she does with that other 45 minutes.

But I'm getting off topic (sort of). Yesterday she informs me that I'll need to take the phones from 8-9 this morning so she can spend time with her husband before he goes away for 3 weeks for a temporary job with his mom's company. IF she had vacation time left, I wouldn't have a problem with that, but she doesn't. An exception is made because it is her husband and he is going to be gone for three weeks. Fine. How does she plan to make up the time? Using the hour we 'get' from our bi-weekly lunch training sessions. Um...no. No one else 'gets' an hour for that, but she assumes she's entitled, even though we didn't actually have one this pay period. Whatever, favorites are favorites, I just do my job and know that vengeance belongs to the Lord. The big problem? Her husband left at 4:00 this morning. Here's what happened (as she told it to me when she finally got in this morning at 9:15): They went to bed around 11, got up at 3, he left at 4. The poor baby couldn't get back to sleep until 5, and then she slept until 8. So that means she spent a whole extra hour with her husband before he left. Wow. I'm sure that made all the difference in the world and the next three weeks will be a breeze because of that hour.

Now, I know I sound bitchy, but I do understand and believe that she will miss him terribly. I know how hard it is to be away from the person you love and are used to having around for an extended period of time. However, part of the reason they have to be apart is because he won't lower himself to get any job while he's searching for a 'good' job, so they really need the money. Also, I truly don't think that extra hour made a huge difference in how hard the next few weeks are going to be on her. Finally, while family always comes before work, you have to choose your battles. Eventually a time is going to come when something will come up (a child's play perhaps) that really will make a difference, and the bosses may be tired of making exceptions. And sometimes, you just have to suck it up and make sacrifices so you fulfill all of your obligations. Would I have gotten up if it had been Michael going away? Absolutely. Would I have been in to work at 8? No. I would have been in at 7:45 like I am every morning, and ready to work at 8.

November 4 To Do List

2008-11-04T08:11:00.003-05:00

Get up early - Check
Exercise - Check
Vote for McCain/Palin - Check
Pray fervently that the rest of the voters in the country do the right thing - Check

Costume

2008-10-16T08:06:00.003-04:00

I am having a very difficult time deciding what to be for Halloween. I think I have three problems:

I am not rich and therefore am not willing to spend more than $20 on a costume I will probably not wear more than once.

I do not want to wear something that looks cheap, despite the fact that it will be.

I don't know how to sew.

If I could solve any one of these problems by Oct. 29, we'd be in business, because I would still have time to put something together by Halloween. However, I don't see a solution coming. My plan now is to raid my closet to see if some of those dresses I wore to my high school dances and banquets still fit, go to Goodwill to see if they have anything I can butcher into an acceptable costume, and possibly spend a little bit more than $20 if I can find something that I can use with other costumes in the years to come. If you have any other suggestions, they would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

P.S. What is the point of all those high school dances and banquets? They are fun, I grant you, but does anyone really go to that kind of thing in real life? I have not been to an event requiring a dress/gown like those since I graduated. I would love to attend such an event, but I've never had the opportunity, and certainly not two or three times a year.

The Derby

2008-10-10T08:55:00.002-04:00

There is an annual event here which the locals simply call 'The Derby'. When I first heard that term, I figured it was some sort of race, most likely with cars. Michael and I went to The Derby last night, and, well...I found out that Southerners will get into anything.

The Derby is not a race, but it does involve cars. It is held in 'the pit' and the cars entered do not run well, the polite name for them is 'junker'. Some are decorated, some look like they have been pulled from a junkyard just a few minutes before The Derby begins. The pit is sprayed down so that it's nice and wet, and the cars are announced and begin to fill the pit. Then the air horn sounds, and 'the heat' begins. What is the heat? It's when all of the drivers in as many cars as will fit start purposely running into the other cars in an attempt to either trap or disable them. They keep running into each other until all the cars but one or two are disabled. Then the first and second place cars are declared by the judges. Several more 'heats' follow. The the second place cars from each of those have their own heat, and the second place and 'reserve Grand Champion' are declared from that bunch. Then the first place cars from the previous heats have their own heat. From that the first place and the Grand Champion are declared.

So, Michael and I spent our evening watching grown men drive cars with the intent of crashing into each other in a mud pit. Apparently, they make it a mud pit so the cars can't get up too much speed. They don't want anyone getting hurt, you understand. They require the drivers to chain the bumpers on to the car or take them off, and to wear helmets and neck braces. They also have firefighters and EMS there in case any cars catch on fire or anyone does get hurt. And the firefighters were needed. 3 cars caught on fire. Two needed the big fire hose to be put out. The other yielded under a fire extinguisher. Thankfully, no one was really hurt.

And the shameful part about all this? Michael wants to do it. Yep, he wants to make a junk car run just long enough that he can smash it into other cars. Even worse? I actually began to enjoy watching it. It's like a car accident, you can't help but look. And you get caught up in the mob mentality. It's really hard to not laugh at people who are purposely trying to run into each other. Laughter leads to cheering, cheering leads to planning to go next year, and planning to go next year leads to planning to get there early so you can get a good seat higher up in the bleachers. What have I become? Frankly, I don't care. It was fun. I still enjoy classical music and fine art, but I enjoy watching grown men smash their cars together and watching for some to catch on fire. When in Rome, right?

Back on the Baby Train

2008-10-08T12:17:00.003-04:00

A typical conversation between my husband and I goes like this:

Me: How was your day at work?
Michael: Like normal. We...(Explains several things about his job that I still don't understand.) How was yours?
Me: Well, I (Explain several things about my job he doesn't understand). What should we have for dinner tonight? I thawed ground beef.
Michael: It doesn't matter, I like everything you make. Except, don't make that thing with the cheese, pasta sauce and noodles...that was wierd.
Me: Yep, that was the one experiment of mine that was completely disgusting. Don't worry, I won't make that.
*Smiles*
*Comfortable silence*
Michael: So, when do you want to have a baby?

Yeah, that's where they all end up. We could talk about work, food, family, friends, politics, music, books, ANYTHING, and we always end up talking about when we're going to have kids. Here's the deal: we both really want a baby. Like, now. But, since I will have to carry this child in south Georgia, I'm attempting to plan conception sometime in late summer so I won't be miserable by the end of the pregnancy. I could handle it, many women do, but I don't want to if I can avoid it. I also don't want to think about the amount of electricity it would take to cool the house to what I would deem is an appropriate temperature, and how much that would cost. So, we're planning, and here's the plan: I lose weight, we try to conceive sometime in late summer or very early fall. However, if that doesn't happen by late summer or early fall '09, we're probably going to try anyway. It's getting to the point where we're sick of waiting, no matter what good reasons we have for waiting. The same thing happened with the wedding, and there was a little regret, but we continue to see that it really was for the better. And as far as worrying about regret with a child? I don't even know if that's possible in our circumstances. We're adults, married, in love, and want kids. Now if this darned weight would just go away, we'd be on the way. Or rather, baby would be on the way.

The Bailout

2008-09-30T09:08:00.006-04:00

I wasn't going to post about this, but I have to. I can't think of anything else to write about, for one, and I'm just sick of hearing about this and having no where to voice my opinion. So, you lucky people, you get to read it. :)

1. If I owned my own business and let people buy on credit there would be no bail-out for me if they couldn't pay me back and it killed my business. I would be able to declare bankruptcy, but that is all the help that would come my way.

2. I realize that the businesses that are in trouble will probably cause an economic crisis if they are allowed to fail.

3. I also know that many of these businesses are in trouble because their board members, CEOs, Presidents and assorted high management make more money than anyone really needs to survive, and therefore the business does not have enough savings to support themselves after making bad credit decisions.

4. The government (read: tax-payers) did not force any of these businesses to extend more credit to people than they could afford.

5. The government did not force any of these businesses to advertise about the low credit rates available and make people believe that a variable-interest mortgage (read: debt) was a good idea simply because of the low rates available now.

6. The government did not force any of the people now in trouble to borrow money without looking at their true financial situation, what they could realistically afford, or without reading the fine print and understanding that the current interest rate and payment will not stay as it is, but will most likely rise to a point that is, perhaps, unaffordable by the borrower.

EDIT: Apparently the government (read: democrats) did require a certain amount of sub-prime mortgages to be given by each bank. How in the world did democrats think that would be a good idea? Seriously! I took AP Macroeconomics in high school, aced the exam at the end of the year, and could have told you it was a bad idea. You don't force banks to lend money. That's like forcing lactose-intolerant people to drink milk and eat ice cream: All you end up with is a big pile of poo. Gucci Mama posted a video that explains.

7. I have never met anyone that could not live comfortably on an income of $100,000 per year. Also, I see no reason for someone who makes more money than that (and also does not pay social security taxes on much of their earnings, because of the level) to need large bonuses every quarter, every Christmas, every time their birthday, wedding anniversary, work anniversary, or any other excuse they can come up with comes around.

8. My husband and I live comfortably on a household income of less than $50,000 per year. I can only imagine what we could accomplish with twice that.

Now, my opinion of the bailout may be clear from what I have said, but allow me to state it plainly. It disgusts me that something like this is considered necessary by the leaders of our country when it is clear to me that people who are getting rich and fat off of other people's woes are the cause of this whole thing. And who will benefit? Those same because even if the government puts a cap on what they can earn if their company is bailed out they probably still have enough savings to keep them living comfortably for years. And the 'tax-payer' benefit of having a stake in these companies? Paltry. For one, we will never see it, because the government will have it and reason that it needs to be held there to settle the debt Bush has caused (from a falling debt, might I remind you, and despite that during most other wars in history, our economy has strengthened). Also, even if we manage to ever get back to a surplus budget, will we really see the benefit? I think not. The credit companies are not the only ones hemorrhaging money. The government is bleeding to death and doesn't seem to realize it. The national debt, at the moment, is

The Gross National Debt

That's crazy! But since it's in the trillions, so why don't we just add another 700 billion? That'll fix everything.

Imagine if you could Poke the Pope!

2008-09-26T16:37:00.002-04:00

If you've been reading my blog I thank you, and you know that I am Catholic. If you haven't been reading my blog, thanks for stopping by, you should know from the previous sentence that I am Catholic. Now that we're all on the same page, I'd like to tell you about one of my Facebook groups, which is call the Papal Facebook Initiative.

This group is dedicated to gathering 1 million members, and then petitioning the Vatican to create a profile for the Pope on Facebook. The idea is that this would be an awesome way to connect with and minister to the younger generation of Catholics and Christians, as well as the general youth. Also, if you read the group page, there are some really cool things you could do if the Pope was on Facebook. These are my favorites:

Pope Benedict was on your friends list. You "Worked together for Christ" and "Met him through a friend."

A new Vatican Office of the Curia had to be created, called the "Papal Facebook Attendant." (Credit: Joe Mileski)

the pope sends you a gift: "You have received the Holy Spirit." (Credit: Jessica Condon)

thanks your superpoke application, you could throw a lost sheep at the Pope. (Credit: Giovanni De Stefano)

♥ Pope Benedict XVI is now in a relationship with God. (Credit: Valerie Banas)

Currently, this awesome group only has about 21,500 members. That's not even a tenth of the people they want, so here's what I'm asking: If you have Facebook, if you know anyone that has Facebook (even your kids), or if you know someone who might have Facebook, or someone who is Catholic, ask them to:
a)join Facebook if they haven't,
b)join this group,
c)invite everyone they know to do the same.

I think this would be an awesome thing, and I think the people who started the group are aiming for 1,000,000 people because of the impact that kind of request would have. If 1,000,000 people wanted you to create a Facebook profile, wouldn't you? Thanks in advance, and God bless!

Lack of Focus

2008-09-25T14:28:00.003-04:00

I have completed several projects for work today, and while I have more, I find myself unable to focus and create any sort of forward momentum. This is not unusual for me, but it's my lack of ability to focus on ANYTHING, personal or work-related, that is bothering me. Here's what I've done so far today:

Finished billing cycle
Finished all address corrections available
Emailed new address requests
Finished third book of the Inheritance cycle, Brisingr

I was part-way through all of those things when I woke this morning, and now I am finished. I still have to correct old information from many of the physicians we associate with according to the new information I've been gathering, finish the COBRA billing, work on the bank statements, prepare the 3rd quarter revenue report and prepare my office to be moved. I can't seem to settle to a task, though. Thankfully none of these things are due soon, but if I don't continue work on them, they may never get finished. My brain doesn't agree, however. I seem to have lost the motivation to complete this day, and I really just want to get out of here, but I can't because it's short notice, I don't have any vacation time that I don't have plans for, and I have to pick Michael up from work after I get off, so I would be stuck in town anyway.

I think my problem is that I need to get away from here, away from the entire town and everyone I know, Michael included. Does anyone else have days like that? Or weeks? I can't remember the last time I spent a significant amount of time truly alone. Even right after the wedding when Michael was traveling for his job with the state I wasn't really alone. I still had to go to work, he still called me every few hours. I need to take a week and go somewhere without anybody. Maybe I'll talk to Michael again and see if the concept of alone time has sunk in yet...

I Hate it When I'm Wrong

2008-09-23T09:43:00.003-04:00

So, when Michael told me that the piece of land by his parents house is the only one available in our price range, my first thought was that he's just not looking hard enough. Well...I was wrong. There is NO LAND for sale here that meets our requirements and is in a reasonable price range. Even when I widened my search area so that I would have a 30 minute commute every day, there's nothing that is 10 acres or more and less than $6000/acre. This is ridiculous. Almost nobody wants to sell, and therefore the few people who do are able to ask a premium, despite the condition of the economy. And, most of the tracts available are way more than 10 acres. If we could find something that was only 10 acres and was $7000/acre, we could probably afford that, but there's nothing like that. There are NO 10-acre lots. There are 5-acre lots (for a reasonable price, but Michael insists on more land than that). There are 20-acre lots and above. There is NOTHING in the middle. NOTHING!! This is horrible. I can't stand to live in the same house that we are in now for the rest of our lives. We can't afford the land around here. Michael won't move out of the area or on to a smaller piece of property. Michael won't sell the house that we're in because it was his grandfather's. I WON'T live next to his parents.

I have a headache.

You want me to move WHERE?!?!

2008-09-19T13:36:00.004-04:00

Michael and I are currently hunting for land on which to build a house. If you live in a city, this may be a foreign concept for you, or one only the rich can afford. Out here, where 'town' or even 'village' is a more appropriate word than 'city' (no matter how hard they try to convince you otherwise), it's a fairly common practice. So, we're land-hunting.

Our requirements are pretty simple: Michael wants at least 10 acres and I want it to be no farther from where I work than we are now. So far, we have found one piece of land that meets these conditions perfectly. It is a 30-acre hay field about 15 minutes from my office (and I use that term loosely as well). It being a hay field is actually an added bonus as well because I would like to have horses, and the type hay that grows there is high-quality food for those of the equine persuasion. The problem? The price is $7,500/acre. The basic rate for land in this area is $3,500-$5,500 per acre. Which means they want at least $60,000 too much for the land. Their reason? A $5,000 per year federal subsidy the owner of the land is entitled to because of the type of hay that grows there and the ability to rent the field to hay reapers who would then sell the hay and split the profits with the owner. That sounds good in theory, but that subsidy and the hay profits would go down if someone, say, mowed down half of the hay to build a house like we want to do. The real estate agent is also advertising the land as a great home site (which it is, because it's gorgeous land). So on one side they're telling you it's worth the extra money (never mind that it would take over 10 years to see any profit on the extra expense) and on the other they're advocating that you pay the extra money for the subsidy and hay, and then throw away the ability to recoup the cost because it's a beautiful home site.

Our other option so far is a nice piece of land, which is about 17 acres, and the same distance from my office, with a very good price. The problem with this? It's literally next door to my parents-in-law. Yep, the land abuts theirs. For me, that is not an option. I would rather pay an extra $60-120,000 for the priviledge of living farther from Michael's parents than we already do. Mostly, it's not myself I'm worried about, because I would gladly use the excuse of being closer to them to also be more rude when his mother decides to put her two cents in where it doesn't belong. What I'm worried about is what will happen when we have kids. Oh, the horrors that being so close to them could open up. I shudder to think about it, and I'm probably going to have nightmares tonight.

The hay field has come down $1000/acre in about 2 months. The real estate agent (who represents both options we have so far) advises that we wait on it if we don't want to be so close to his parents and we don't want to pay that much for the land. I say, damn straight.

Work

2008-09-18T16:41:00.005-04:00

Two days ago, my desk looked like this:

Then, because I was getting paid for my time, and because my company tracks internet usage, I decided to ask for something to do to tide me over until billing begins on Monday.

Now my desk looks like this:

And most of it needs to be done by someone before Friday next week. The question I posed to my supervisor was what I should do about the billing. He said do the best you can. One of the more pressing assignments I was given was to work on getting correct provider addresses so the IRS doesn't fine us the $7,500 they want from us for 'unissued' 1099s. The problem there is that we did, in fact, issue them. The providers do not update us with their correct addresses like they should when they move. Or, they won't send a W-9 form, which is required by the IRS for us to have before we change their address in our system for anything of import, like a 1099. Catch-22 much?

And now I have a lot of work to do, all of which is very urgent, but wasn't mentioned until I asked for something to do. I love my boss, I do. It's his bosses I have a problem with. Nothing is ever mentioned until the last minute. The one good thing? Overtime. Lots and lots of overtime. :)

My Rings

2008-09-15T09:08:00.003-04:00

I love my wedding ring. It matches Michael's, which is something I've always wanted. I love his and hers stuff. And his and hers wedding bands? That's the ultimate, because it's the symbol of everthing that you have together.

I also love my engagement ring. It's a 3/4 kt D color and it's either a FL (flawless) or IF (internally flawless) round cut diamond. In other words, it's practically perfect, and if it has any imperfections, you can only see them under 10x magnification and only if you look really hard. In the sunlight, you can see colors I didn't think existed in nature. Yes, Michael has a thing about quality. He said he'd rather give me a smaller, more perfect diamond, than a larger imperfect one. I would have been happy with a sapphire set with tiny, imperfect diamonds. Needless to say, I'm very happy with my very perfect diamond.

Now, Michael wants me to wear my rings all the time. In general, I completely agree. I wear my rings while I sleep, while I work, while I drive, pretty much everywhere. I don't wear them, however, when I'm cooking, during some cleaning, or showering. During these times, they could get very yucky. When I cook, I cook with my hands. When I clean, I can't stand to wear gloves. I do not want to expose my precious rings to these less-than-ideal circumstances. I know that the diamond can't really be harmed by anything, but I don't want the setting to get disgusting either, or to feel like I have to clean my rings every three or four hours. Besides, the diamond is high-set, and it gets in the way when I'm trying to wash my hands, during which time there is also an OPEN DRAIN right under my hands. I do not want my rings to slip off and fall down that drain. They are insured, but still, I don't want to go through the hassle. I don't wear them while I'm showering for the same reason: OPEN DRAIN = LOST RINGS, at least in my mind.

Does this make sense? I thought so. However, Michael seems to take it as a sign that I don't want to wear the rings, which is not true. As I said, I love my rings, and I love wearing them. I clean them at least once a week. I wear them while I sleep for goodness sake, and I know a lot of people don't. I've come to the conclusion that he just needs to lighten up. Even if I occassionally want to leave, I'm not going anywhere. And really, on the occassion that I want to, I'm really just going to cool off for a couple hours. We both know this. We both know I'm coming back. I don't even give in to the urge to tell him I'm never coming back anymore, because I don't like to lie; I just say I'll be back after I cool off. So, if I take my rings off to cook a meal for him or clean the house, is that so bad? I don't think so.

You Are Remembered

2008-09-11T12:56:00.003-04:00

For a moment, our nation was bonded together as never before. We, with one voice and one heart, proclaimed our pain, demanded justice, and prayed for righteousness. To those who left us that day, to those who lost most dearly, and to those who fight for us all: you are remembered.

Please visit this blog and thank this man for all he and his fellows do. Without them, we would be lost. Doc Williams.

Also, three years ago today, I lost my father. As great as my pain is, I can only imagine the pain of those who know their loved ones were intentionally killed and taken away from them by hate. But, my grief is still there, and I miss my father terribly. I love you, Daddy.

That's All

2008-09-10T16:28:00.003-04:00

In honor of my 6-month wedding anniversery (which was on Monday), I present you with our wedding song:

Old Blue Eyes:

Michael Buble

We danced to the Michael Buble version, but I love them both. :)

Ennui

2008-09-09T16:34:00.002-04:00

It's official. I'm busier than ever at my job, and my old friend has followed me here. You see, I have a problem with commitment to any particular project. If it's not complicated enough, I get bored. If it's too complicated, I get frustrated and then get bored. The latter is far more depressing, because I don't measure up unless I think really hard. Which, frankly, is not something I'm fond of.

It's not that I'm shallow or unintelligent, you understand. I entered college as a sophomore due to my work in high school; I thoroughly enjoy educational pursuits. If I had my way, I would be a perpetual student. Life, and money, got in the way of that goal.

The problem, I think, is finding something that I'm passionate enough about to continue perpetually. I can stay committed to something for months or years at a time without getting burned out. When I do finally get to the burn-out stage, however, it's not pretty. I explode and then I'm finished. I want nothing more to do with that project for years. Music, specifically playing the flute, is the most spectacular example of this. As I neared the beginning of my senior year, I was playing with an expertise I had never dreamed of, and naturally chose music as my course of study. I had studied the flute since the summer before my sixth grade year, all told for about 7 years. By the time college auditions rolled around, I was burned out. I wanted no more to do with it, and therefore, while I did my best, it was no where near the peak of my performance. I still play occasionally, but less often then I would like. I still enjoy playing, but it's also depressing: just another failed project, after all the time and effort I put into it.

Here again, I have found a wonderful job, and great people to work with, but I'm bored with it, and have been for some time. I enjoy my work during my busiest time: billing. This only lasts for about 4 days, however. The rest of the time I mostly deal with complaints from clients and search for things to do. I do have other responsibilities, but they are boring, and accomplished with very little effort, so that I barely notice I'm working. And while I enjoy the billing, I absolutely despise the responsibility that comes with it. I was trained by someone who mostly knew how to bill by rote, and did not have time to teach me anything beyond the procedure before she left. I must learn as I go. The problem being that every mistake I make seems to result in either a very upset client, one or more very upset bosses, lost income for the company, or any combination of the above. I have discovered some interesting things from my mistakes, some that I doubt my predecessor knew, but I still have the angry clients, annoyed or angry boss(es), and possible lost income hanging over my head. These things are not conducive to a calm work environment.

While I do get angry about this, I don't stay angry. The anger transmutes into boredom. Boredom makes me want to do things other than my job while I'm at work. I don't, but I want to, which leads to frustration, which leads to even more boredom. It's a vicious cycle.

I survived...

2008-09-05T08:34:00.002-04:00

...and it wasn't that bad. It was slightly awkward, but she was very nice and very quick. I barely had time to read the funny posters on her ceiling before she was finished. And the posters made me laugh, partly because the point to them was so obvious, and partly because they were funny. My favorite part?

OBGYN: "Are you sexually active and do you need birth control?"
Me: "I was married in March and I'm a devout Catholic."
OBGYN: "Yes and no, got it."

And the cool thing? When she asked if I was using a natural birth control method, and I told her about NFP, she actually knew that it wasn't the rythm method and that, excepting divine intervention, it works as long as I followed the rules. She did ask me to start taking a folic acid supplement, because the nueral tubes of the baby's brain and other things that folic acid is essential to start to develop before you can even get a postive home test. So I did, because I'm doing everything I can for my future kids, and God only laughs when you tell him your plans, so you never know what might happen. She also gave me some other material to start reading up on and asked me to continue to lose weight at the rate of 1-2 lbs a week, stating the obvious that the healthier I am when I get pregnant the better and easier it will be.

All in all, I am much less nervous about next year's exam then I was about this year, and I'm very relieved. :)

I'm dreading this...

2008-09-04T10:33:00.004-04:00

So, I've never had a gynecology appointment before. I know I should have had one, especially with everything that marriage entails...but I was really nervous. It's one thing to tell your boyfriend that you won't sleep with him until you get married, which is a nerve-racking conversation. Then you actually wait, which in my case meant I had about 2 years to dwell on our wedding night. And that made me nervous. Really nervous. Remember your first time? Yeah...imagine that, plus knowing that you'll never sleep with anyone else for the rest of either your life or theirs, whichever ends first. And even then, y'know, chances are there won't be anyone else, because if he dies when he's 80, I'll be 72, so I doubt I'll be getting any. So, I was really nervous.

But now? Now a complete stranger will do a pelvic exam on me. COMPLETE. STRANGER. Never met the woman before in my life, but as small as this town is, chances are she knows someone who knows me. Like she might know my MIL, who uses the same OBGYN facility (because there isn't another one in our town). And there's that whole doctor-patient confidentiality thing, so I shouldn't have to worry, right? Well...yeah, except that I know for a fact that my husband's GP shared information about him with his mother without his express permission, because she asked. And that's illegal. We didn't do anything about it, it wasn't anything we wouldn't have told her, but still, it's illegal.

So there's that. And there's also the fact that I have no idea what to expect. Thankfully, the appointment is late enough that I won't have to go back to work, so if I feel totally violated, I can just go home and tell Michael not to bother me. But I'm nervous. I'm going to go google and see if I can figure out what's gonna happen. And say a few Ave Marias and Pater Nostres. And maybe a God help me or two.....yeah, I'm really nervous.

P.S. So I just went to WebMD to see if they could tell me what to expect...and now I'm more nervous. This is why I never wanted to grow up. It's just not worth it. :(

The Magisterium and the Catholic Church

2008-08-25T13:01:00.006-04:00

If you read my post from earlier today, you might be a little confused about the Catholic Church.

I have two things I need you to keep in mind while you read this post:

1. We are NOT a bunch of senseless drones all following to the letter whatever one man says.

2. As a Catholic, I fully believe that the Church is the right and true power of God on Earth, and I am writing from that perspective.

Now, a few common questions I get from non-Catholics and some non-practicing Catholics about the above statements:

The first statement

Q: How can the Pope always be right about everything?

A: He can't. He isn't. That isn't what Catholics believe. The entity of the Church that is always right is called the Magisterium. The Magisterium is not a person or an office. It is the teaching authority of the church, held by no one person. It is made up of every current bishop in the Catholic church, including the current Bishop of Rome, also know as the Pope. The only time that these people are infallible is when they are using the power of the Magisterium. So, if a bishop of the Church tells someone they are an unforgivable sinner and not going to heaven, he is not only seriously out of line and wrong, he is not infallible. In the preface of Jesus of Nazareth, by Pope Benedict XVI, he explicity states that the book is not written from the Magisterium, meaning that his conclusions and opinions stated therein are not infallible, and that Catholics need not agree with or support them. The Magisterium only endorses those beliefs that come about from years of study of Sacred Scripture and Sacred Tradition. Those beliefs are infallible, and the ones all Catholics are beholden to.

Q: Why is the Pope so important?
A: First, you must understand why we have a Pope. Christ chose St. Peter to lead the Church on Earth. From this, the early church leaders gathered that it was important that there be a representative, or vicar, of Christ on Earth. If this wasn't important, then why did Christ choose one?
So, the Papal office was established. Currently, the pope is selected through the guidance of the Holy Spirit, which is shown by the votes of the Cardinals to elect a priest of the church, generally one of their own. The important point here is that he is chosen by the Holy Spirit, through the bishops, which means that God chooses the pope through divine inspiration. This is why the election of a pope can take so much time. If you have ever tried to discern God's Will, you know that it is a time-consuming task, because we are only human, and must learn to tell the difference between what comes from God, what comes from society, and what comes from satan. All of these things influence all of our decisions, every day, and the important decisions are influence moreso. One of the most important decisions in the Catholic church is the election of the Pope, and it is an enormous burden, so it takes time. The Cardinals want to be sure they fully understand God's Will before they select the person who will rule the Church until the end of their life or their abdication under God's direction.

The second statement
Q: Does this mean that you believe only Catholics are going to heaven?
A: No, absolutely not. All it means is that I believe the Catholic Church was the church Jesus established on Earth, following God's Will. I believe that God meant for the Catholic Church to be the only church (catholic means universal), and for believers to be united.

Q: What about Martin Luther? Do you think his points were valid?
A: I am not familiar with all of Martin Luther's protestations against the Church, but yes, I do believe that some were valid. During his time, and before, the Church may have strayed from the true purpose that God meant for the Church when He established it. At the same time, I do not believe that all of his points were valid. It is also important to remember that not all of the Protestant churches were established with Martin Luther's break from the church, or from his church. I think the Anglican church, for example, was established when a king of England was upset that the Pope would now allow him to get an annulment so he could marry someone else. Malachai 2:16 makes God's attitude toward the concept of divorce very clear.
"For I hate divorce," says the LORD, the God of Israel, "and him who covers his garment with wrong," says the LORD of hosts. "So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously." This is what the Catholic attitude toward divorce and annulment comes from, but that's another topic entirely.

Q: Do you believe that only Catholics can do godly and holy works?
A: No! To believe that would be to suggest that the power of God is limited by humans. No human can do a godly and holy work without the power of God. If only Catholics could do such works, then God could only work through Catholics. There is nothing that God cannot do, so to say that he can only work through Catholics is blasphemy. That is the logic behind this standpoint, but the other reasons include watching my Protestant and non-Christian friends do good and holy things for each other and for strangers, learning from people of all faiths (and even those without), and working alongside many people who do not share my faith for the betterment of those less fortunate and to spread the message that God loves everyone, no matter where they currently are or what they currently believe.

I hope that this post has enlightened some about the Magisterium and the Catholic Church. If you have any other questions about the Church, whether or not they pertain to the statements I made earlier, please feel free to ask them. I love to share my faith. I would love it if I could clear up some misunderstandings about the Catholic faith and religion. Just leave me a comment, and I will get back to you.

Biden

2008-08-25T11:22:00.003-04:00

I was watching the news on the election, and saw that Obama picked Joe Biden as his VP. I will admit that I have done only minimal research on Biden, and don't know a whole lot about the guy, so I was reserving judgment as to whether or not he would increase Obama's chances of getting the in White House.

(On a side note, did anyone really think he would pick Clinton? Seriously, why would anyone put two minorities on the same ticket? It doesn't make sense, because in this broken world we live in, that ticket would never get to the White House. Sheesh, people, be realistic. Now back to the post.)

So, there I am, reserving my opinion and waiting to hear what else they would say, and did I get an earful! What did I hear? Three words, following Biden's name: 'a pro-choice Catholic'.

EXCUSE ME?!?!?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THAT'S RIDICULOUS! THAT BORDERS ON CRIMINAL!

Yes, I screamed those exact words, and many more upon hearing that oxymoronic phrase. Here's the thing: my position on abortion is solidly connected to my religion. I have other reasons for it, but it falls right in line with what the Magisterium (that's the infallible Catholic seat of all things connected with the Catholic dogma - more on that later) says is right and holy, so I have no problem admitting that the Church is my main influence on the position and that I am incredibly devoted to it. I also believe that going to Mass doesn't make you Catholic, just like going to any other church service of any kind doesn't make you Christian. To be Catholic, you basically have to make a commitment to agree with and follow everything the Magisterium says.

(I'm going to do another post on the Magisterium in just a minute, to help explain this. Until you read it, please, please keep in mind that I am not insane or a religious nut in the traditional sense.)

So, if Biden is really, truly Catholic (meaning he was Confirmed while in his right mind) then he CAN'T be pro-choice. It's impossible to truly be both. There is simply no way for that to be. It's like saying the wall is both entirely purple and entirely orange. When you show me a wall that's both completely purple and completely orange at the same time, I might reconsider my position, but even then it's not likely.

"My views are totally consistent with Catholic social doctrine," Biden said in a 2007 interview with the Christian Science Monitor.
Nope, sorry, Mr. Biden.
George Weigel, a Pope John Paul II biographer and senior fellow at the Ethics and Public Policy Center, said: "I don't think it's a happy day for Catholics when a man who is literally dead wrong on what the Catholic leadership of the United States has said for over three decades is the most important issue of social justice in our country is named to a national ticket and attempts to present himself as an intellectually serious and coherent Catholic."
Very true, Mr. Weigel, very true.

The full article I took these snippets from:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080824/ap_on_el_pr/cnv_biden_catholic;_ylt=ArD3lTB3kAp49gNCQVna9hjCw5R4

Another point to this is that his personal feeling might be pro-life, but because of politics, he has to act like he's pro-choice in his voting and policies and such. I say, BS. If you're willing to sacrifice your personal prinicples for politics, then you should be in a different career.

To conclude, I'm not trying to judge. I'm not saying that Biden is a bad person or won't get into heaven or anything like that, because I don't know that and never will. I know very well that many of the things I say and do don't go along with what the Church says is right and holy. Well, I'm human, and God knows that. It's not excusable, that's why Christ had to die. For my sins, for Biden's, for everyone's. All I'm saying is that pro-choice Catholics don't really exist, and I wish that our politicians would show their spots.

I'm Back!

2008-08-21T12:34:00.003-04:00

Hello World!

Things have been, to say the least, mixed up. I am not going to talk about any of that until I have it figured out, and then, maybe, I'll spill.

For right now, my wonderful bloggy friend Gucci Mama, has tagged me. And so, here it is:

1---Soda v. Pop. Definitley soda. If I must make myself understood, soda pop.
2---Regular v. Diet Soda. Definitley regular, but only because diet soda makes me physically ill. So ill, in fact, that I can drop ten pounds in one day.
3---Diet Coke v. Diet Pepsi. Neither, see above.
4---Beer v. Wine. Wine. Beer is....a word I try not to say.
5---White Wine v. Red Wine. For the sake of wine? White. For the sake of the food? Depends on the food and the wine choices available. Blushes are usually a good choice.
6---Panty v. Underwear. Panty.
7---Thong v. Other. Other. Sorry, Michael, thongs just are not comfortable.
8---Silk v. Cotton. Uh, silk!
9---Boxers v. Briefs. Boxers...tighty whities are just evil.
10---McDonald's v. Burger King. Ew! Gross on both counts! Chick-fil-a.
11---Chocolate v. Vanilla. Chocolate!!! (a little vanilla rum makes a great chocolate milkshake, though)
12---Sweet v. Savory. Both. Can't choose, sorry.
13---Plaid v. Solids. Solids. Plaid accent if you have to have plaid. But just go with solids, it's better, trust me.
14--- Flats v. Heels. Everyday: flats. Dress-up: heels. It's called dress UP.
15---Automatic v. Stick Shift. Automatic. No desire to drive a stick...
16---Black v. White. Dalmatians...definitley dalmatians. They're awesome!
17---Cursive v. Printing. Cursive. Always cursive. Our third grade teacher made us promise. :P
18---Length v. Girth. Lengthy jeans, girthy (is that a word?) pens.
19---Butter v. Margarine. Butter. If you're going to use it, at least use the real stuff.
20---Paula Dean v. Rachel Ray. Oh, neither. I seriously can't stand either one. Alton Brown...definitley Alton Brown.

So, there you have it. Me in twenty choices!

Confused and Troubled

2008-07-28T10:38:00.003-04:00

So, here's the thing: I have my real life and my internet life. Sometimes the two mix; and sometimes that mix ends up being like three Sex on the Beaches and five rum and cokes and two vodka shots in about 3 hours...complete with the hangover the next morning.

I've only ever had that much to drink once, and the alcohol came in different forms, but I'm working on a metaphor here, so bear with me.

The vodka shots are like my old standby. The standard I measure all other alcohol against. It's what I started with. Still makes my heart thump a little harder, causes that 'everything's good' feeling, and makes me feel like a girl with her first real love.

The rum and cokes are the alcohol that make up my every day life: family, friends, job, pets, etc. Comfortable, familiar, sweet and yummy.

The Sex on the Beaches are like my current standard. When I drink the vodka, I'm not sure why I switched standards, but I know I did and that I can't really go back to the vodka. I know I'm committed to the Sex on the Beach; even if it makes me throw up. For some reason, I just can't let go, no matter how much I might want to. The Sex on the Beach even has some vodka in it, but it doesn't make me feel the same as the vodka did. But I'm committed, and I can't change that. Still, I can be happy with the Sex on the Beach, and most of the time I am. But when I'm not, all I can remember is that the vodka never made me throw up. I felt bad sometimes, but I never threw up.

Kind of a strange metaphor, I know, but it's where I am right now. I've got my Sex on the Beach and my rum and cokes, and I recently found vodka again. But finding the vodka again has me confused and troubled, and I'm not sure what to do about it.

Amish

2008-06-23T16:24:00.007-04:00

I have recently been reading some wonderful books by Wanda E. Brunstetter. These books are fictional stories about the Amish people who live in different areas around the country.

I have always been curious about the Amish way of life, which is truly unique and deeply spiritual. These books seem to give a fairly true account of their way of life and outlook, even though the stories themselves are fiction. If you are interested in the Amish, want to know about their way of life, or are looking for a good set of books, I highly recommend those by Mrs. Brunstetter.

Sometimes I have wondered if I would do better, and enjoy my life more, as an Amish woman. At this point in my life, it is not an option for me to convert to the Amish church, and I don't know that I ever will be able to, but I still wonder if I would like it. They don't worry about the way their clothes look, or how much money they have. That is not what is important to these people. They wear simple clothes, usually home-sewn, and lead simple lives. They are called "Plain" because that is how their lives seem to us, who have so many things. I have discovered, through these books, that their life is anything but plain. It is a rich, strong community which holds to its members to its principles without violence or hate. Are they perfect? Of course not, no human could be. But their focus in life is not how much stuff they can get, how good of job they can find, how much they can pamper themselves or any other of a million things that people go after besides being closer to God. That is what their life is about: they simply want to be closer to God. I think that is beautiful.

Many people say that their goal in life is to be closer to God. I believe that it is possible for anyone to be closer to God. The Bible says it is more likely that a camel would go through the eye of a needle than that a rich man would enter the Kingdom. I don't believe that this refers to being monetarily rich. I think it refers to being 'rich' of self. If you are so convinced of your own superiority (even if you think you are spiritually superior) then you are rich of self. Instead, like the Amish, we should try to be rich of God. Someone could be as rich as Croesus (or Bill Gates) and still have a place in the Kingdom. But it is very difficult, because our human nature makes us think that the more we have the more important we are. "I have all this money, I can buy anything" is a common belief, but it's not true. You cannot buy your place into the Kingdom of Heaven. No one earns or deserves a place in the Kingdom of Heaven, except God.

The Amish know that, and more importantly, they live it. With all of our stuff, obligations, and personal wants and needs, most of us don't make time to really live like we know we should. The Amish simply don't have all of that. Everyone understands that time with God is the most important thing, and that this is just a temporary home. This life was meant to be a gift; we tend to turn it into something horrible. Pain, for God's sake, is not horrible or unfair. It's beautiful.

So, could I be happy being Amish? Maybe. It would depend on how the Amish church's beliefs mesh with my beliefs as a Catholic. There are some parts of the Catholic dogma that I could not give up for the sake of a simple life as an Amish woman. Transubstantiation, for instance. I believe that the Eucharist is the Body and Blood of Christ; not that it represents it.

But the simple life? I could go for that. I truly could. If it were up to me, I would probably get rid of my tv and computer at home and try to live a simpler life closer to God. But it's not up to me, so I'll have to try to live a complicated life closer to God.

OMG I'm posting on Saturday!!!!

2008-06-21T09:51:00.002-04:00

Ok, so I don't post on Saturdays....or weekends in general, but I have excellent news:

MICHAEL GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!! WOOHOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, here's the really great part: We still get to go to see my family for my birthday! We weren't going to go because it costs about $100 in gas to get down there and back, plus whatever gas we would use while we were there. But now we're going! And, something I think is awesome, we're taking my new car! We were going to rent a car, but to save more money, we will be taking my wonderful new car. The idea is that we shouldn't be spending the extra money to keep the mileage off my car because we're going to run it until the wheels fall off anyway (which means my kids will probably get a car before I get another one, but that's ok) and we don't need to spend the extra money. Michael has had to take a little bit of a pay cut, but that will be made up in about 18 months, assuming he passes all the tests and such, but I'm sure he will.

Here's the ironic part: he was inspecting pest control companies/treatments, now he's working for one of the companies he would have been regulating. In other words, the state gave him all of this free training, plus some travel opportunities and a whole bunch of meals they paid for (and gas and hotels and office supplies) and now he gets to use it to have a job he'll enjoy more.

Oh, another great thing? We were going to go to Wet 'n' Wild while we were visiting my family, and now we aren't because we're trying to save money. Why is that great? Well, while I have lost some weight and I think I'm looking better, I'd rather lose a lot more before I put on a bathing suit and walk around in front of a whole bunch of other people who are also in bathing suits, and many of which would probably look better than I would. Next year? Next year we will definately be going, because by that time I will be HOT! :)

In other news, happy birthday Sis! You rock!

Disturbing Dream

2008-06-20T09:01:00.005-04:00

I had a very disturbing dream last night. If I were single it would not be disturbing. But I am not single, I'm as far from single as you can be, and so it was very disturbing.

I was in college, single, and I was thinking about taking a certain course the next semester. I was very unsure about this course, because it sounded boring, but it had the potential to be interesting if taught by the correct professor. So I asked my guidance counselor if I could sit in on the class for one or two sessions during the current semester to see how I liked it. He contacted the professor and I received permission to do so. And I did.

I also liked what I saw. Not just in the course, but in the professor as well, who was young and had a very distinctive English accent. I don't know what possessed me to do so, but I chose to stay after class during one of the sessions I observed so I could speak to him. I told him I was very impressed by the course and would likely put it on my schedule for the next semester. He confided that he wasn't going to be the one teaching the course the next semester; he was here on sabbatical from his job in England, and couldn't stay away from teaching. He had decided to take on one course, and that having only one would be enough of a break that he could return to his regular job feeling rested and able to take on his full load again. We spoke for several hours and he finally asked me if I was really a student there. I told him yes, I was. He looked down for a minute and said 'That's too bad. I know dating students is frowned upon at my university in England, I'm sure they look at it the same way here.'

I won't bore you with all of the things we said about how we wished we could be together, but the upshot is that we came up with a plan. I flew with him to England at the end of his sabbatical and enrolled in a university where he didn't teach. Unfortunately, that didn't work. Apparently, at least in my dream world, the universities in England don't want any professors dating any students regardless of different institutions. Especially if there is a ten-year age difference, as there was with us. We already had an apartment together and were heading steadily toward marriage, so we decided to go back to the U.S. and get married, and then it wouldn't matter because we wouldn't be 'dating'. We decided to live in the U.S. because he didn't have any family he was particularly close to (an uncle here, a cousin there) and I missed my family terribly.

The flight back was really strange. He and I flew back with a friend who was also getting married and moving to the U.S. and her fiance. The strange part was that the plane was more like a flying warehouse with all kinds of goods and such that the U.K. was exporting to the U.S. This didn't strike me as strange while I was dreaming, however. The flight back went smoothly, as did the small, private wedding. I had decided I wanted a small wedding, and the dress was exquisite (and expensive). We found an apartment very quickly, and he found a job and I re-enrolled in my previous university. The dream ended one night while we were getting ready to count coins. When I say 'getting ready' I mean that my money was pretty much counted before he even took out his wallet. I might have even been able to count my money twice. But I woke up.

Well, first I partially woke up, felt really guilty about the dream and then thought Michael and I were in the process of counting the money. Still in the grips of the dream, I didn't realize he wasn't even awake.

Then I fully woke up and everything hit me: I was married, my husband was still asleep, and I'd had a very detailed dream about an English professor who was not as boring as that title makes him sound. When I say very detailed, I mean it. If I had written the whole story this post would be way to long to publish. This guy and I had a life together, there was a story line and regular day-to-day stuff like the laundry and cleaning.

If this had just been a flitting dream like I normally have I don't think I would be too disturbed by it. But this was more like a book than a dream. And I'M MARRIED! I basically cheated on my husband (trust me, that's in the Bible too; impure thoughts regarding someone other than your spouse is being unfaithful). What makes it worse is the kind of thoughts I'm having this morning; they just randomly pop in my head. "I wonder if I can find grounds for an annulment." "Could I divorce him and marry someone else outside the Church?" And I keep getting different scenes from the dream in my head. Scenes where I'm deliriously happy just doing the laundry or watching him walk in the door when he comes home from work.

But I'M MARRIED! Lord help me.

Work From Home

2008-06-19T13:42:00.002-04:00

I've been doing a little budgeting this morning in an effort to find out how long Michael and I can last on my income alone. We could probably subsist for awhile if we stop driving, using electricity and ration the food in our freezer. I, believe it or not, am not worried about this. As I said in my last post, God will provide.

However, I also know that God helps those who help themselves, so I am going to do what I can to make our situation easier until Michael can find another job. (BTW, they still haven't given us a reason for firing him.) Do any of you wonderful readers know of any legitimate work-at-home opportunities? Please let me know either by a comment or by emailing me at betweenhnh@gmail.com . Thanks!

Vengeance

2008-06-19T07:58:00.003-04:00

I've begun to feel bad about yesterday's post. Jane tries to be a good person, and we are all selfish sometimes. We all get into bad moods and we all just need to be understood sometimes. What she did was human, and I will not persecute her for that, because it is not my place. '"Vengeance is mine" saith the Lord.'

I have recently begun to try to understand that verse more. I don't believe the Lord is just referring to incidents where His people are actively harmed by those who do not seek forgiveness and do not know the Lord. I believe the Lord is, once again, showing that he will provide for us. The Lord will provide for our needs, earthly and spiritual, in all ways, according to His Will. Our only job, our only concern, according to the Will of God is to love and trust in Him.

Michael and I are to have a trial for our trust in God. His boss called this morning and said he no longer has a job. We have not been told the reason, but we are supposed to find out today. One thing I know for sure: we will not go without. The Lord will fulfill our needs because of our faith in Him, which he has also provided us with. Everything we have is from the Lord, and we need nothing else.

Am I scared? Yes, I am scared. But the Lord will provide, and I know this in my heart.

Burn-out 2

2008-06-18T11:51:00.003-04:00

If you haven't read my first burn-out post, please scroll down.

I'm also burned out on being nice...namely to the receptionist, let's call her Jane. Don't get me wrong, outside the office she is my friend and we get along. Inside the office...well, read on.

I worked as the receptionist for six months before I was surprised by a promotion to my current position (which was spurred by my boss leaving). I was also surprised when they told me I would no longer have to answer the phone, even to relieve whomever would become the new receptionist. I recommended Jane for the job, because I knew she needed a better job, and had just moved here from out of state, so she didn't have any contacts. She got the job, and said she was very happy with it. I trained her on what she needed, and she received a few other duties from others around the office.

Fast forward about 7 months. The person who was relieving Jane from the phone complained aobut having to carry her work up to the receptionist desk and then having to carry it back and how she was losing all of this work time because she had to walk 10 feet. My boss and his boss decided to have me relieve Jane. This meant two things: I would now have to carry my work and lose time (not a big deal to me, but the same thing it was for the other girl), and I would have to change my lunch hour. Meaning that the 1-2 lunch hour I had for nearly a year, and so dearly enjoyed, cherished and loved, would now be given up to the receptionist because that's what she preferred (even though I have seniority). I didn't complain about this, however, because I am a team player and it seemed like a small thing I could do for the company that would make everything work smoother.

Fast forward to today. I asked Jane if she could move her lunch to 12-1 so I could leave at one. This might be the second time in about three months that I have asked her to give up the coveted 1-2 lunch hour. She grudgingly said yes. So I emailed my boss, informed him of my wish to use some overtime I have built up and leave at one today, and asked for his permission. He left for lunch, which he takes from 11ish-12ish, without responding. Jane knows this because I told her I would let her know what he said. So she emailed me:

Do I still need to take lunch at 12:00?

I explained the situation, saying that I would prefer that she still take lunch at 12, and she asked me if she could take her lunch at 1 since I didn't know if I would be able to leave or not anyway, because 'the day just flies by after lunch if I take it at 1'. DUH!!! That's why most people enjoy the 1-2 lunch hour. Five hours, one hour off, three hours. Why do you think I enjoyed it so much, Blondie? Why do you think I viewed it as me giving up something for you? And thinking that, friend that you are supposed to be, you would be willing to occassionally allow me to take that lunch? Sheesh woman! See past your own nose once in a while!

But, my boss is gone. I don't know if I'll be able to leave at 1 anyway. And I'm such a nice person, so what do I do? I let her have the stupid lunch hour. I so wish I hadn't ordered my Avon stuff from her. Never again. I'm sick of being nice to her. Grrr.

Burn-out

2008-06-18T11:42:00.002-04:00

Do you ever have one of those days where you are bored with everything?

Welcome to my burn-out day. I'm bored with my normal routine, I'm tired of my job, I'm tired of some of the people at my job, and I really just want to go home. If my boss approves it, I'm going to do just that.

On my list of things to do if I get to go home:

1. Spend some quiet time with God.
It's been awhile since I've made time to do this, and I need to make time more often.
2. Pick out tile.
This one is being forced on me. I don't really want to, but DH wants new tile in the kitchen NOW!
3. Cross stitch.
I'm stitching a baby blanket for one of the guys at work, whose little girl is due July 15. I need to get the stitching done so I can put the finishes on it (batting, backing, etc.)

So that's the plan. We'll see how it goes.

Father's Day

2008-06-16T12:43:00.004-04:00

Sunday was a hard day for me. Father's Day is always hard for me. I miss my dad terribly, and I have so many regrets.
I never made much of an effort to include him in my life. I loved him, sure, but I had grown up without a father, and I didn't feel like I was missing anything. Now that he's gone and there is nothing I can do about it, I know how much I was missing. I think it's ironic that I only live four hours from where he lived. We could have made up for so much.
Michael and I travel through Atlanta at least twice a year. We could have seen him every time.

I don't want to make this an entry about how much I miss my dad and how sad it makes me to think of all the time we had I didn't use. And nothing can make you go out to those family members or friends with whom you have lost contact or never had contact and strike up a relationship. I heard everything about how you should tell the people you love that you care, and that you should alway live as if today is your last day.

The truth is, you can't live like every day is your last day. It's impossible. It doesn't occur to most people that the family and friends they love could just be gone tomorrow. But it does happen.

Don't live like today is your last day. Live like today might be the last day you have the opportunity to speak to someone you care about. Because they might be gone. If you speak to everyone at least once a week, then you shouldn't have any regrets about their knowing how much you cared.

I am lucky. I know I'll see my dad again. His faith ran deep, and now I have two fathers in heaven.

Friday Fhoto Finish Fiesta!

2008-06-13T09:57:00.006-04:00

This is my nephew and me at my wedding. I would have loved to post a picture of him in his ring-bearer tux, but to keep the little guy happy, my sis had to change him into this on the way to the reception. Isn't he cute?!? Until I have kids, he's my pride and joy, and I didn't even have to give birth!

Family Roles 2

2008-06-12T15:27:00.002-04:00

Last night my husband announced to me that he's probably going to quit his brand-new job, which he said he was very happy with, and just work at his lawn care service full time. Everything is ok, and his traveling so much (which is what made him mad) was explained by his supervisor and he's keeping the job.
However, the whole incident (and subsequent fight with him in my mind while I actually kept silent and acted supportive) brought to my attention the fact that I had not really delved into the role of the husband in the traditional family I spoke about. So, we have today's post.

As I recall, I said: Men were meant to be the leaders of the family. Men were meant to make important decisions. Should men consider what their wives want? Of course! Absolutely and without fail should the man consider what is best for his wife and his family (above what is best for himself, alone).
Ok, so clearly, in the situation of my husband quitting his job, it is not my opinion that he was following this role. However, he's human, and he's not quitting the job, so I'll let that go. Aren't I magnanimous? :)

Anyway, I believe that men should always consider their families above their own wants and needs. Does this mean that men can never have a night out with the guys, or make what would seem to be a selfish decision? No! Niether does it mean that men should always give into what their wives want. We are human too, and will probably, eventually take advantage of that. What it does mean is that men and women have similar, complementary roles in a marriage. The secret is to find out what's best for the whole family. If hubby had a bad day at work, and needs to unwind, then you don't nag him about the dripping sink, the bug in the bathroom, or the dirty jacket he just took off and dropped on your lovely clean floor. If wife had a bad day at work, or she is a SAHM and the child(ren) were acting up all day, then hubby doesn't ask her why the dishes and laundry aren't done, or why said child(ren) are all sticky.
If hubby needs a night off, then he is allowed to go out with the guys, so long as the guys are not going to a strip club or Hooters (men in love don't want strippers, and I don't find this acceptable behavior for committed men). If wife needs a night off, then she is allowed the same priviledge with the same strictures.

I promise that it's really that simple! Look at me, I've been married 3 months!

Ok, I know I don't know everything about marriage, and I can't guaruntee that that's all it takes to make it work. However, that's my theory, and I'm testing it in my own marriage. We're good so far.

Look for future blogs on this as I come across/think of sticky situations and come up with more theories. Because, really, I have a lot of theories, and would love to record how they evolve over time and stand up to actual experience, especially since I suspect my theories will amuse several of my longer-married readers. :)

Giving Blood

2008-06-11T10:13:00.003-04:00

You should give blood. Everybody who can should give blood. Does it take an hour of your day? Yep, it sure does. Every eight weeks. Which means that if you give every eight weeks, you will have to give up about 6.5 hours a year. It also means that with that 6.5 hours a year, you could save 19 lives! Which means that if you give blood every eight weeks for 25 years, you could save 475 lives. How else are you going to get the chance to do that?
Well...you could become a superhero and in that case any mutations you may have undergone or your being from another planet or having impervious skin may prevent you from donating blood. If you are a superhero, I let you off the hook.

All you other people who are healthy enough and can make the time, go donate!

A word of advice, though. Don't exercise after you donate, and if you are on a diet, make that your day off. I speak as someone who has learned the lesson. Cheers!

Family Roles

2008-06-10T15:28:00.008-04:00

I have a confession, don't hate me. I believe in the arcane roles of females. I think a woman's place is in the home, taking care of a family.
Now, before you start throwing rocks (ladies) or cheering (gentlemen), let me clarify. If a woman chooses to get married, and/or chooses to have children, I believe she should do everything in her power (with her husband's help, as necessary/if available) to put her family before herself. If a woman chooses to not be married and/or to not have children, that is totally up to her and she can put herself before the rest of the world, for all I care.
For myself, I want to be that 'traditional wife'. I want to sew and cook and clean while hubby goes out and works. I want to have dinner on the table when hubby wants to eat. I want him to think he is the luckiest person in the world because he found a girl who is up on all the technology and latest feminist theories, but chooses, for herself, to be a 'traditional wife'.
How did this start? Probably with my mom. My mom gave us (her children) everything. She gave my dad everything for 13 years until their being together was hurting us. My mom budgeted everything, and split it four ways. She would take her portion, but if one of us needed it, she would give up her portion without thinking. This ranges from food and water to clothing and school supplies. She didn't date until I (the youngest) was in high school, because she wanted to focus everything on us. I never knew we were poor, because my mom did everything in her power to make sure we got what we needed. And we always did.
I want to be that mom. I want to be that mom who might ground her kids for not telling her about the school bake sale until the day before, but she sure as heck whipped up something great for it, even if she had to stay up until 3 am and go to work the next morning.

Ok, ok, I know, that doesn't sound so bad. Here's the bad part: I try to be subservient to my husband. Yeah, I know. But, there's an upside to this one too. You ready? It's in the Bible. I don't know the chapter and verse, but I know it's in there. Several times over. Men were meant to be the leaders of the family. Men were meant to make important decisions. Should men consider what their wives want? Of course! Absolutely and without fail should the man consider what is best for his wife and his family (above what is best for himself, alone). Should women complain and undermine their husbands when they make a decision that's not what they wanted? Not under usual circumstances. "Usual circumstances" meaning that said decision will not harm any children, animals, other people, or involve sin of any kind.

So, how do I live this out? ~~Truthfully, not very well.~~ I'm really, really good at it. Do I rebel against this idea sometimes? ~~Yep, I sure do.~~ Nope, never. Do I think Michael makes stupid decisions sometimes? ~~Most definitely.~~ Never. Do I complain about what he decides? ~~Yes, I do.~~ Nope, I'm just as compliant as can be. Do I find out that he really did know best? Most of the time. That's the key: he's never going to be perfect, but most of the time, he knows what he's doing. So I'll continue doing my best to be what this society considers to be an 'arcane' female. I'll try to obey my husband, and support him without complaint. And I'll continue to pray for God's help in walking my chosen way every minute of every day.

Baby Blues

2008-06-09T14:43:00.003-04:00

I want a baby. I really, really, really want a baby. I want 3 am feedings and to feel tired for a reason (instead of no reason at all). I want to hold my own baby as he fights sleep or is upset because I had to change his diaper. I want all the good and bad of motherhood. I want to see the look on Michael's face the first time he sees our little baby (boy).
I want a boy first. I want my little girl to have a big brother. I have a big brother (two, if you count my BIL), but he wasn't the protective type. We just weren't that close, I think because of the divorce. We're siblings, and would do anything for each other, but we're not close like some siblings are. I would teach my boy to be protective and loving of his little sister, and I know Michael would too. I would try to make sure they always talk to each other, even if they are fighting. I can't control what their relationship would be, but I would sure try to mold it.
Then a girl. "Thank heaven for little girls" is all I have to say about that.
Then, if Michael and I want another one, it wouldn't matter. Let me clarify: it won't matter anyway. I would just rather have a boy first. Either way, I want a baby.
My boss and his wife are having a little girl, their first child. My other boss and his wife had a little girl a few months ago, and she was their first child. Maybe that's what started my baby fever. Still, Michael really wants a child too.
I'm determined to shed the weight first, though. I want to be healthy for my child(ren). I have 54 more lbs to lose before I'll feel healthy enough to have kids. Wanting children so badly just makes me more determined.
Losing Weight Not Sanity

Cat Painting

2008-06-05T10:27:00.004-04:00

Yep, cat painting. See?

Ain't it great?
How much? Well, that depend upon whether or not you try to do it yourself. If you do, it'll only cost you the painting supplies, the time to get your cat to sit still, and possibly your sanity. If you leave it to the professionals, it could be around $15,000.
Doesn't it hurt the cats? Well, that depends on your definition of 'hurt'. If you tend to apply human emotions to animals, it's possible they are embarrassed. How would you like to have some guy walking around on your butt? Still, have you ever known someone to spend $15,000 to torture an animal? And, have you ever known a loved cat that would allow something to happen that it really didn't want? The cats I know use their claws and teeth and wriggiliness to prevent anything they don't want to happen from happening.
The supplies they use are all natural food dye and non-toxic peroxide.
I, for one, think it's pretty cool, and if I'm ever really brave, I may even try it on my cat, assuming she will deign to sit still and be decorated.

Georgia Peach Pie

2008-06-04T15:55:00.004-04:00

I had an interesting adventure last night: I baked a peach pie. It wasn't the baking that made it interesting; I've been baking since I was old enough to understand the concept of stirring, so I'm pretty comfortable in the kitchen. What was new was the peach, lemon rind, and home-made crust factors.
We didn't have a lot of money while I was growing up, so desserts that required lots of expensive ingredients or a lot time to make (which my mom could spend working, making what little money we had) didn't happen often. Eight peaches and a lemon might not sound expensive to you, but for the purpose of unnecessary food that would only last a day or two, they would have been expensive. And the two hours it would have taken to make the pie from scratch? Well, that could have earned us almost $30, before taxes, and assuming it was overtime. Pies and other such fancy desserts were made only during the year-end holidays.
So, for the first time, I made a pie using all fresh ingredients last night. At 9:00 pm. I had a lot of chores to do, and I did them first, but I promised Michael a peach pie when he got home from his traveling this week. So I made a pie at 9:00.
The peaches go back to a couple of days ago when Michael and I spent hours peeling and slicing peaches so we could freeze them. Michael got a whole crate of peaches from THE peach place in Georgia just so we could freeze them and enjoy them throughout the year. For the first time in my life, I actually froze fruit. It was messy and strange and I can't wait to do it again. Fresh fruit, any time of the year, who knew?
So, I had to let the peaches thaw before I could actually use them. Then I had to make a crust. Something I have also never done before. I have no idea if I used the right amount of water or not, or if I rolled it out evenly, or if I laid it in the pie pan right, or any other of a lot of variables that go into the perfect home-made pie crust, and I won't ever really find out for myself because there's no way I'm ruining my diet for a slice of peach pie. If it was pumpkin pie, maybe, but not peach pie. I know I did the lattice on top correctly, though. It wasn't fun, but I know I did it right.
Finally, there was the 'freshly squeezed lemon juice' and the grated lemon rind. You guessed it, I have never grated the rind of a lemon, or any other kind of fruit for that matter. I had to buy a grater just for the lemon rind, and it didn't work well. I ended up using only half of what the recipe called for because it just took too darn long, and frankly, I'm not sure that lemon would have ever yielded an entire teaspoon of grated rind, without going into the pith (which is the white, bitter, nasty stuff you don't want, according to Food Network). And, I managed to grate the skin on the side of my thumb in the process. Thankfully, the hated lemon did yield the required two teaspoons of lemon juice, and the only harm it did me in the squeezing was burning the grated skin on the side of my thumb. Hey, no pain, no pie, right? Or something like that...
Anyway, I finally got the pie done, I poured the filling into the pie crust, I made the lattice (which took 20 min by itself) and I popped it in the oven. Then I looked at the recipe. 50 minutes? In the oven? 50 minutes?!?! It's now 10:00, and I would have to be up for at least another 50 minutes. Great. So, what did I decide to do? Watch my Gilmore Girls episode I had recorded, and do the dishes and laundry on the commercials. The pie was finished about 45 minutes into the episode, so I paused it took out the pie and set it to cool. Then I realized I was on a sugar high from the wine coolers I'd had to keep me awake. So I finished the GG episode and put Enchanted in. Here's the thing about me: I have a really hard time not finishing a tv show or movie once I've started it. Therefore, I was up until 1:00 this morning, and I'm blaming it all on the pie.
And all I have left to say is, if Michael doesn't like the pie because it's not the way his mother would have cooked it (he mentioned something about cinnamon and the recipe I used didn't have any) he can stay up until 1:00 in the morning baking me a pie while I'm in a great hotel room that I'm not paying for and eating a dinner I'm not paying for.
But, I know he'll like the pie. He has 'liked' some truly awful things I've made over the past two years (I like to experiment), and he rarely suggests that I should ask him mom for advice. Very, very rarely. :) One of these days, I'll have him trained and he won't suggest it at all. :P

Bruises

2008-06-02T14:24:00.003-04:00

Michael finally has me convinced to go to the doctor. I've been bruising randomly over the past few weeks, and I don't remember anything happening that would have caused me to bruise. Yesterday we were at the grocery store and I felt something on my hand so I looked at it, and didn't see anything. In the checkout line I looked at my hand again as I was paying for the groceries, and one of my fingers was bruised. First, I've never had a bruise on my finger before. Even when I have had a car door slammed on my fingers they didn't bruise. Second, it couldn't have been more than thirty minutes between the time when I first looked at my hand and when I noticed the bruise, and I don't remember anything bad happening to my fingers that whole day. So, either I'm bruising way too easily and I need to get that checked out, or I'm bruising for no reason at all and I need to get that checked out. Either way, Michael convinced me to go to the doctor. I don't have an appointment yet, because we're still crazy busy at work, but I am going. I promise.

Today I feel like my brain is bruised, because work is still so crazy. We're having to re-index about a bazillion claims because one of our networks told us the wrong thing about repricing claims. Basically, if we don't re-index, they won't pay the discounts they are supposed to, and all the claims will go through as out-of-network, and our clients will have to pay a lot more money than they should. What does this have to do with me? Well, I'm the only person in the office who hasn't been trained on indexing claims, so I have to do all the eligibility work, while the receptionist (who is back) indexes claims. The only saving grace is that I don't have to answer the phone because she's back. Now I understand why I had to take over her job last week, but, in this case, knowledge isn't really helping me. It still sucks. Wish me luck on getting through the week.

Will this week ever end?

2008-05-30T10:48:00.003-04:00

This week at work I'm trying to do two people's jobs. Mine (and this is the busiest time of the month for me), and the receptionist's job. Why? Because she decided she would take the long Memorial Day Weekend and turn it into a vacation to see her family in Arkansas. Why did our boss approve this during my busiest time of the month and decide that I would take over her job as well? Because they want to kill me from exhaustion. I've worked 45 hours this week! Not including today. I refuse to work any overtime today. At 5:00 I'm going home, and I am going to sleep. Not only is this busy for me, but it would be busy for her if she were here because one of our groups did their open enrollment. So that's a lot of changes added on to the normal workload, plus everyone outside the office is trying to catch up so the phones are ringing off the hook. Why am I taking time out to post? Because I really, really needed a safe venting place. I can't say anything to my coworkers because my boss is so grateful that I'm working so hard, and I don't want it to get back to her that I think she was really mean by giving the other girl the week off. True, I could forget the other girl's job and just answer the phones and do my month-end stuff. I could also jump off a bridge. Ain't gonna happen. I just like to get things done, and the more pressure the harder and faster I work. So I'm scrambling to get everything done because I know it's the right thing to do. Sometimes I hate myself...

Memorial Day Weekend

2008-05-28T14:36:00.002-04:00

Over the long weekend (which I made even longer by taking Friday off as well), Michael and I went to Panama City Beach. We only stayed Saturday night, but the point was not really to go the beach but to get away from the house. It was good that getting away from the house was our goal, because we got in the ocean and had fun for a few hours, then decided to go get some drinks for that night. We went, got some drinks, and by the time we got back, they had put up the double-red-flag that means NO SWIMMING! Grrrr. Previous to this, the hotel pool had been empty, and the beach was full. Not a big deal, because it's a big beach. Walk a little and you can find a semi-quite spot (remember, this is Memorial Day weekend, not Spring Break). The hotel pool however, was not big. It was a normal size pool, with an abnormal amount of people attempting to stay cool in the heat. That would be ok, if I were the same size as those who made up the abnormal amount of people. But I'm not. That's why I'm trying to loose weight. But that didn't help me at that moment, because I couldn't reach into the future and say 'hey future self, go down there and have fun for me'. Even if I could it wouldn't help very much because then my future self would be having fun and not me.

Anyway, Michael and I decided to take our drinks down to the beach and walk in the surf and watch the sun set. The sunset was gorgeous! What was not was all the people STILL IN THE WATER!!!! I don't know if these people didn't grow up around beaches and couldn't read and therefore didn't know that a double red flag means no swimming (the signs interpreting the different color flags are all over the place) or if they were just that drunk. Perhaps they couldn't understand the little symbol of a white stick-figure swimmer on a red background with a big white lined-through circle over it. DUH!!! And do you know what the emergency workers got for taking the trouble to put up all those flags? They had to rescue 35+ idiots who thought 'they could handle it'. I'll grant that one or two, maybe even 5 or 10, were either the cause of the flag change from yellow to double red, or were in the water as the flags were being changed and did not yet realize the danger. But THIRTY-FIVE people? I heard about a few who were on the beach in the middle of the night (or really early morning) and drunk who had to be rescued. If you really crave that much thrill, go find a roller coaster!

Here's the real kicker: two people died. I don't know the story for one of them, but the other was Pierre Allen, just back from a tour of duty in Iraq. Was he being an idiot and thinking that he could handle the conditions? NO! He was on vacation and he tried to help out someone who was drowning. That just pisses me off. I'm sure the person he helped (who survived) felt really bad and I'm even willing to say that that person may have been among the first victims of the rip current. No blame should fall on that person unless that person really deserves it. However, what a crappy way for a vacation from your job to end. You just try to help out, do your job even though you are on vacation, save someone else's life at risk to your own, and you end up dying, at 21, after just getting back from hell. Silver lining? Well, I believe in heaven and hell, and I'm pretty sure Mr. Allen went to heaven. 'No greater gift' and all that. If you are inclined to prayer, please offer a prayer for him and especially his family. I'm sure they can use all the help they can get right now. While you're at it, pray for all of our troops who are out of the country, and especially those who are in danger, and Mr. Eric Williams, who is currently in Sadr City, Iraq. If you aren't inclined to pray, then just send good thoughts their way; they so deserve it for making sure we can sleep soundly at night.

So the big lesson of this blog??? Our troops deserve every kindness we can possibly give to them because of who they are and what they do, and DON'T SWIM ON DOUBLE RED!!!!

Comments

2008-05-28T11:03:00.003-04:00

Thank you to everyone for your comments on my last post. I've had a terrible couple of days at work and you made me laugh! Out loud! I don't laugh out loud at work, so thank you very much. :)

Tagged :)

2008-05-21T15:13:00.004-04:00

Me: I've been tagged!!!! HELP!!! I've been tagged!!!!!
Kind Person on Sidewalk: Hey! Crazy tagged person! Just do whatever the tagger wanted you to do and no one will get hurt.
Me: Oh, really? Okay then. :)

What was I doing 10 years ago?
I was in fifth grade, probably dreading the end of school and making plans to see all of my elementary school teachers again as my first trip when I could drive. I realize that dreading the END of the school year makes me strange, but I always did. After a few weeks of summer and my brother, I was bored and annoyed. I wanted to be back at school with my friends. I also had this crazy idea that I would go back to my elementary school and see all my beloved teachers again once I could drive (I knew I would miss them and I can still name them all).

Five Snacks I Enjoy:
1. Potato chips
2. Oranges
3. M&Ms
4. Soft Flour Tortillas (plain)
5. French Fries

Five Things on My To Do List Today:
1. Cross stitch (more on that later)
2. Sleep (not likely)
3. Clean the bathroom
4. Go to the gym
5. Pray

Things I would do if I were a billionaire:
Build a bigger house farther away from Michael's parent's home
Give more to charity
Eat healthier
Have a maid
Travel the world
Set up college funds for my nephew, future children, and future nephews and nieces
Pay off all of my immediate family's debts anonymously

Five Jobs I have had:
1. Section Leader
2. Grocery store bagger
3. Grocery store cashier
4. Receptionist
5. Billing/Eligibility Insurance clerk (current job, it's not as boring as it sounds)

Places I have lived:
Atlanta, GA
Winter Park, FL
Kissimmee, FL
Here

People I want to get to know better:
(yes, this means you are tagged)
Ross Dalgleish
Third Culture Kids R Mine!
Bottles, Barbies & Boys

Six random things:
1. I hate talking on the phone, to anyone. I will suffer it to speak with someone in my family, and sometimes I actually enjoy being on the phone with Michael. Otherwise, if I can accomplish whatever it is without a phone call, it will be done without a phone call. Apparently, I get this from my dad.
2. I play the flute. When I was in high school I would play around 3 or 4 hours a day (not including band class). Now I barely play at all, but am trying to take more time for it, mostly because I miss it.
3. Vincent Van Gogh is awesome!!! Especially his night paintings.
4. I was an altar server for ten years, from second grade to twelfth.
5. My house looks like a hunting lodge: no antlers yet, but it's literally made of wood and we have no pictures but wildlife and hunting dogs, except for the picture of the horses that hangs in our bedroom where I can see it as I fall asleep every night.
6. I have four bosses and enjoy playing them against each other. This skill allows me to avoid the 'it all rolls downhill' rule. Unless something is truly my fault, I never get blamed. :) This is part of what makes my job more interesting than it seems.

Me: So, that's it, I'm done? I did what the tagger wanted and now the blog gods and all of blog world is good again?
Kind Person on Sidewalk: Yes, crazy tagged person, that is right.
Me: Good, good...that's good.
Kind Person on Sidewalk: Yep, that's good. *smiles, nods, backs away slowly*

Ick!

2008-05-12T13:45:00.005-04:00

Last night I was trying to fall asleep (Michael was long gone) and I heard a very strange fluttering in my ear. I wasn't immediately freaked; I thought a few strands of my hair had gotten down in my ear canal and the draft from the fan was moving them. So I sat up, pushed my hair to the other side of my head and swiped the outer part of my hear with my finger to make sure it was clear. Everything seemed okay. Then I heard it again. I was little more concerned this time, but occasionally I hear wierd things due to an ear wax build-up (gross, I know) so I thought that might be it and stuck my finger down a little farther in my ear to see if could get some of it out. I know this is not really safe, but I was tired and really didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't find anything, but I heard the fluttering again. This time I screamed and shook my head, which only made it worse. I screamed again. Michael, bless him, is instantly reactive to my screaming and he woke up and turned on the light. My screams weren't loud and long at this point, they were more like emphatic, high-pitched whimpers, but Michael was still concerned, especially since I think I had started to cry. With the light and Michael's concious presence some rationality returned. He asked what was wrong, and I told him 'my ear' but nothing beyond that. It happened again; this time I screamed very loudly because I was beyond rational thought. I knew there was SOMETHING in my head and I didn't know how to get it out! I couldn't get this point across to Michael while I was so freaked, so he was thinking along my original ideas: hair, ear wax, something normal that really wouldn't reduce me to screaming and tears, but he was tired and still partly asleep, so he may not have noticed the tears. He managed to get me out of bed and into the bathroom (keep in mind that the fluttering won't stop and I can't help but make strange noises of frustration, confusion, and slight terror) with the idea that a Q-tip might help me with whatever was going on. He handed me one and I stuck it in my ear and came up with a little ear wax. Seeing that calmed me down a little bit, thinking that maybe it really was ear wax and I just hadn't been able to get to it with my finger. The fluttering stopped too, so I thought that might really be the end. Then it started again and I freaked out all over. I stuck another Q-tip in my ear, farther down this time and heedless of the fact that I must be very close to my ear drum. I drew it out and low and behold: a dead mosquito!
I was pissed. First, you must understand, I hate bugs with all my being. Not insects, mind you, bugs. The creepy crawly insects that are just nasty! Butterflies don't count, neither do caterpillars. Rollie Pollies are ok, and there are probably a few others I can't think of. Roaches, bees, wasps, moths, mosquitoes, beetles, crickets, etc, are my worst nightmare. I just can't stand them. More than once I have been reduced to tears by their mere presence, and hysteric screaming when many of them are too near to me. So, I hate bugs.
Secondly, losing my hearing or having it impaired would be awful to me. I could do without my sight, because I would still be able to communicate readily. Losing my sight might have more impact on my life, but music is such a joy to me that I'm not sure I could stand to lose it, along with the sound of Michael's voice and other people and things dear to me. I despise silence nearly as much as bugs, so to be hearing impaired or deaf would be very hard for me. That stupid bug could have bust my ear drum, or caused me to in the effort to get it out. I think such things can heal, but it could heal improperly or not at all, and then where would I be?
Finally, I was already having trouble getting to sleep, and now I knew I would have to stay up for a bit and relax before I could even think about getting to sleep. That was compounded by being worried about what damage might have been done to my ear, even though I wasn't in enough pain for the drum to have busted.

Stupid bugs. I know there is a use for them in grand scheme of things, but I wish they would just stay away from me.

Other times

2008-05-09T16:23:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to live in times other than our own. The Medieval era is the one I most often imagine myself in. I am drawn to the courtesies of the time, the simple belief in right and wrong, the acceptance of the Catholic Church as the authority of God (even when it did not follow God's will in the way we view It now), and even the power men had over women. That is not to say that I enjoy being dominated or subjugated, but simply that I envy the simple life that most gentlewomen led during those times. I never imagine myself a serf or slave, of course, simply because it is my imagination and therefore my choice what life I lead in that fantasy. If somehow given the choice to live in the Medieval era without a guarantee as to my life's station, I probably would not take it. But, if I knew I would be reborn, as it were, into a gentle household with parents who had love in their marriage and wanted the same for their children (as unlikely as that would be), I would jump at the chance, assuming it would hurt no one else and I would lose all memory of my life in this time. I know that the problems of that era (bad food, lack of hygiene, etc) would not be noticeable to me if I had grown up with them. If I could be in a household like that of my imaginings, I know I could be happy. There is no guarantee that my station would last or that I would endure no hardships, but it is likely that I would have no more responsibility than sewing suitable clothing for my father and then my husband, ensuring that there was enough provender in the keep for the entire household and some leftover so we could be generous with the local townspeople and serfs, seeing to the maids and their duties, playing hostess to noble visitors and bearing and rearing children. If more responsibility was expected of me, it would likely be simple matters I could bend my mind to without much fear of deciding upon the wrong action. And, being a woman, it would not be strange of me to ask an older woman's advice, or that of a man, if I happened to be involved in something that was men's business. If I were truly lucky, I would have my choice in who I would marry, and my choice would be given to me if it were not foolish.
This is the kind of life I sometimes long for. Simple, unburdened, and generally free. Being free is what I most long for. But has anyone ever truly been able to lead a life without some sort of hard responsibility? Something that seemed difficult and perhaps made them feel inadequate to the job at hand? If it is possible, I know many people who would take that path, and then where would we be? I do not truly wish to shirk responsibility, but I do wish my current responsibilities were more suited to my current skills, so I did not feel so overwhelmed.

Tired

2008-05-08T09:20:00.002-04:00

I've been feeling really tired the past few days, and I hate the feeling. It's like I just can't keep my mind going, and every movement drains what little energy I have. I feel like I'm not getting enough sleep, but I sleep eight to nine hours every night, and I don't think I'm waking up. I want a caffienated soda very badly, but it'll throw off my diet, and I'm trying so hard to stick to it. I think I should have taken the day off work, but I don't have a lot of vacation time left because of the honeymoon, and I'm trying to have enough left at the end of the year to be able to visit my family for Christmas.

So, I guess I'll do what I always do, and just power through it. I like hearing Michael say he doesn't know how I do it, anyway. Illness, stress, fatigue, nothing stops me! I just keep going and going and going and going...

Wedding Woes

2008-05-07T16:31:00.002-04:00

Thanks to Candid Carrie's story of her first wedding, I've decided to share my own wedding woes.
First problem: Six months before the wedding we found out our 'professional' photographer (a family friend of Michael's) was going to use a Kodak Easyshot on a $10 tripod and print the pictures on her home computer with a regular printer that didn't even claim to be a 'photo printer'. EEK!
Solution: We fired her, called our new wedding planner (Michael's cousin) and she found us a wonderful photographer.
Second problem: Three months before the wedding, our priest says he won't marry us unless we have Michael psychologically evaluated because he thinks Michael has a 'deep-seated psychiatric issue'; then we would have to go to 'several months' of marriage counseling; and then we might be able to get married by the end of the next year.
Solution: Get a new priest, find a new reception location, print new invitations.
Third problem: No reception/event location big enough is available on our chosen date of March 15.
Solution: Move the date up a week (the other option was to have the wedding on Easter weekend, that's not possible in a Catholic church), book new reception site, call the invitation people and stop the previous re-order, order new invitations again to reflect date change.
Fourth problem: David's Bridal kept not getting my dress finished. It was late coming in, then only part of the alterations were done for the 'final' fitting, then they could only give us another appointment one week before the wedding (!!!!!), and we (my mom and sister, who drove up from Orlando for all my appointments) had to wait at least an hour past my appointment time to see the seamstress every time I had an appointment, and were always interrupted (not a big deal, except that we were kept waiting).
Solution: The David's Bridal district manager happened to be in town for the last appointment (a week before the wedding) and we got all the alterations and my accessories free. :)
Fifth problem: Michael would not leave the house the night of the wedding. Literally, he refused to leave the house and sleep at his parents' house as planned.
Solution: Cry, fight, yell, cry some more. I ended up sleeping on the couch (one of my bridesmaids, Jillian, was staying with us, she was using my room) and fell asleep crying and thinking 'how could I agree to marry this ASSHOLE!"
Sixth problem: The day of the wedding I could not find the headband my mom bought for me to use, which had flowers on it that were going to be in my bouquet and the crystal bead pattern on it perfectly matched my dress.
Solution: There was no solution for this one. I couldn't find it, I just had to go without it. :(
Seventh problem: I had to go to the bathroom before the ceremony, and in the process I lost the ring Jillian let me use for my something borrowed. That was really bad, because her grandmother had given it to her mom, who gave it to her. It had a very large blue stone in it (I'm not exactly sure what kind, but it was blue) which was surrounded by real diamonds. Small diamonds, sure, but who cares? They were diamonds. And I lost it.
Solution: I found it in my stocking when I was changing from my wedding gown to my 'leaving' dress. :) :) :) I could not have been happier, because losing the ring threatened to be the one thing to ruin the day for me, I felt so bad about it. Jillian was literally crying, both when I lost the ring and when I found it.
Eight problem: One of the cake layers collapsed. It just fell apart. Thankfully it was before anyone saw it, and only the people setting up the cake really had an issue (frosting on formal clothes...ugh).
Solution: Just go with it, not much else to do.
Ninth problem: Half of the guests who RSVPed didn't show. Too much food, too much cake, too many tables and chairs, what a nightmare!
Solution: Donate the leftover food and a good portion of the cake to the homeless shelter in town. It seemed only right to do what we could for other people who have so little when we had way too much, and the people at the shelter were so thankful, as they were getting low on hot food for the day.

Those were the major problems. I know there were more detail, nit-picky type things, but I don't want to think about how much stress I allowed that stuff to cause me, so I'm only giving you the major stuff. Aren't you glad you're not planning a wedding? :) Still, I wouldn't trade it for the world, because we survived, stronger than ever!

New Look

2008-05-07T10:14:00.001-04:00

I'm changing some things around in my office, and I decided to do the same for my blog. The colors were getting a little oppresive for me, so, here you have it, my new blog. Hope you like it.

Organic orange

2008-05-02T15:21:00.003-04:00

I'm having my afternoon snack, and today it's an orange. Specifically an organic orange, I'm not sure what variety. They were fairly inexpensive at Wal-mart, and organic is better for you, so I have them stashed at work. This is the first out of the package I've eaten, and it has ginormous seeds in it. The seeds in an orange really aren't all that interesting, but these are the biggest I've ever seen. I kinda want to plant one or two just to see if it would grow...they look healthy enough. Sometimes I eat a fruit and wonder if I've swallowed a seed, or do it on purpose for the fiber (pomegranates...it's good, I promise!), but these are crazy big, there's no way I would either swallow one, or if I did, I would know it. At least 1/2 an inch long and 1/4 of an inch wide and deep. If I hadn't seen so many non-organic orange seeds in my life (I grew up in Florida), I'm not sure I would believe these were organic.

Weight blog/future pregnancy

2008-05-01T11:57:00.003-04:00

For any interested, I've started a weight loss blog. The URL is http://losingweightnotsanity.blogspot.com/ .

One of my main motivations for losing weight (beyond self-respect and a better body image) is my future children. Studies show that overweight moms are likely to bear overweight kids, even if they shed the weight before pregnancy. The study was done on second children. I'm hoping that by losing the weight while I'm still young, and before my first child, I can help tame the effects my eating and lifestyle mistakes will have on my kids. Michael would have kids now, if I would agree to it, but we're not ready, in my opinion. Hopefully we will be after another year. I'm emotionally ready to have a child, but I don't think our lives are ready to handle it. Also, I'm not 21 yet, and would like to celebrate my 21st birthday properly. I can't do that if I'm pregnant, and I've been waiting for this with bated breath for about five years. I'm not saying I've never had a drink, but I'd like to be able to buy my own (and therefore have more control over what I drink and how much), and maybe even have a glass of wine with dinner when we eat out. Back to future pregnancy, I want to be a healthy weight when I get pregnant. Right now my BMI is 34. According to some charts, that means I'm morbidly obese. Most just say obese, with morbid obesity starting around 35. I'm not okay with that. I know I'll gain weight when I'm pregnant, but I don't want that weight gain to put me back up over 200 lbs, which is what it would do right now. I was 220lbs my senior year in high school, and I'm never going to back to that. If I were to get pregnant right now, I know I would be right back there, as I'm 198 right now. So, healthy weight here I come; this time, I'll make it there, and stay there.