So, here's the thing: I have my real life and my internet life. Sometimes the two mix; and sometimes that mix ends up being like three Sex on the Beaches and five rum and cokes and two vodka shots in about 3 hours...complete with the hangover the next morning.
I've only ever had that much to drink once, and the alcohol came in different forms, but I'm working on a metaphor here, so bear with me.
The vodka shots are like my old standby. The standard I measure all other alcohol against. It's what I started with. Still makes my heart thump a little harder, causes that 'everything's good' feeling, and makes me feel like a girl with her first real love.
The rum and cokes are the alcohol that make up my every day life: family, friends, job, pets, etc. Comfortable, familiar, sweet and yummy.
The Sex on the Beaches are like my current standard. When I drink the vodka, I'm not sure why I switched standards, but I know I did and that I can't really go back to the vodka. I know I'm committed to the Sex on the Beach; even if it makes me throw up. For some reason, I just can't let go, no matter how much I might want to. The Sex on the Beach even has some vodka in it, but it doesn't make me feel the same as the vodka did. But I'm committed, and I can't change that. Still, I can be happy with the Sex on the Beach, and most of the time I am. But when I'm not, all I can remember is that the vodka never made me throw up. I felt bad sometimes, but I never threw up.
Kind of a strange metaphor, I know, but it's where I am right now. I've got my Sex on the Beach and my rum and cokes, and I recently found vodka again. But finding the vodka again has me confused and troubled, and I'm not sure what to do about it.
July 28, 2008
June 23, 2008
Amish
I have recently been reading some wonderful books by Wanda E. Brunstetter. These books are fictional stories about the Amish people who live in different areas around the country.
I have always been curious about the Amish way of life, which is truly unique and deeply spiritual. These books seem to give a fairly true account of their way of life and outlook, even though the stories themselves are fiction. If you are interested in the Amish, want to know about their way of life, or are looking for a good set of books, I highly recommend those by Mrs. Brunstetter.
Sometimes I have wondered if I would do better, and enjoy my life more, as an Amish woman. At this point in my life, it is not an option for me to convert to the Amish church, and I don't know that I ever will be able to, but I still wonder if I would like it. They don't worry about the way their clothes look, or how much money they have. That is not what is important to these people. They wear simple clothes, usually home-sewn, and lead simple lives. They are called "Plain" because that is how their lives seem to us, who have so many things. I have discovered, through these books, that their life is anything but plain. It is a rich, strong community which holds to its members to its principles without violence or hate. Are they perfect? Of course not, no human could be. But their focus in life is not how much stuff they can get, how good of job they can find, how much they can pamper themselves or any other of a million things that people go after besides being closer to God. That is what their life is about: they simply want to be closer to God. I think that is beautiful.
Many people say that their goal in life is to be closer to God. I believe that it is possible for anyone to be closer to God. The Bible says it is more likely that a camel would go through the eye of a needle than that a rich man would enter the Kingdom. I don't believe that this refers to being monetarily rich. I think it refers to being 'rich' of self. If you are so convinced of your own superiority (even if you think you are spiritually superior) then you are rich of self. Instead, like the Amish, we should try to be rich of God. Someone could be as rich as Croesus (or Bill Gates) and still have a place in the Kingdom. But it is very difficult, because our human nature makes us think that the more we have the more important we are. "I have all this money, I can buy anything" is a common belief, but it's not true. You cannot buy your place into the Kingdom of Heaven. No one earns or deserves a place in the Kingdom of Heaven, except God.
The Amish know that, and more importantly, they live it. With all of our stuff, obligations, and personal wants and needs, most of us don't make time to really live like we know we should. The Amish simply don't have all of that. Everyone understands that time with God is the most important thing, and that this is just a temporary home. This life was meant to be a gift; we tend to turn it into something horrible. Pain, for God's sake, is not horrible or unfair. It's beautiful.
So, could I be happy being Amish? Maybe. It would depend on how the Amish church's beliefs mesh with my beliefs as a Catholic. There are some parts of the Catholic dogma that I could not give up for the sake of a simple life as an Amish woman. Transubstantiation, for instance. I believe that the Eucharist is the Body and Blood of Christ; not that it represents it.
But the simple life? I could go for that. I truly could. If it were up to me, I would probably get rid of my tv and computer at home and try to live a simpler life closer to God. But it's not up to me, so I'll have to try to live a complicated life closer to God.
I have always been curious about the Amish way of life, which is truly unique and deeply spiritual. These books seem to give a fairly true account of their way of life and outlook, even though the stories themselves are fiction. If you are interested in the Amish, want to know about their way of life, or are looking for a good set of books, I highly recommend those by Mrs. Brunstetter.
Sometimes I have wondered if I would do better, and enjoy my life more, as an Amish woman. At this point in my life, it is not an option for me to convert to the Amish church, and I don't know that I ever will be able to, but I still wonder if I would like it. They don't worry about the way their clothes look, or how much money they have. That is not what is important to these people. They wear simple clothes, usually home-sewn, and lead simple lives. They are called "Plain" because that is how their lives seem to us, who have so many things. I have discovered, through these books, that their life is anything but plain. It is a rich, strong community which holds to its members to its principles without violence or hate. Are they perfect? Of course not, no human could be. But their focus in life is not how much stuff they can get, how good of job they can find, how much they can pamper themselves or any other of a million things that people go after besides being closer to God. That is what their life is about: they simply want to be closer to God. I think that is beautiful.
Many people say that their goal in life is to be closer to God. I believe that it is possible for anyone to be closer to God. The Bible says it is more likely that a camel would go through the eye of a needle than that a rich man would enter the Kingdom. I don't believe that this refers to being monetarily rich. I think it refers to being 'rich' of self. If you are so convinced of your own superiority (even if you think you are spiritually superior) then you are rich of self. Instead, like the Amish, we should try to be rich of God. Someone could be as rich as Croesus (or Bill Gates) and still have a place in the Kingdom. But it is very difficult, because our human nature makes us think that the more we have the more important we are. "I have all this money, I can buy anything" is a common belief, but it's not true. You cannot buy your place into the Kingdom of Heaven. No one earns or deserves a place in the Kingdom of Heaven, except God.
The Amish know that, and more importantly, they live it. With all of our stuff, obligations, and personal wants and needs, most of us don't make time to really live like we know we should. The Amish simply don't have all of that. Everyone understands that time with God is the most important thing, and that this is just a temporary home. This life was meant to be a gift; we tend to turn it into something horrible. Pain, for God's sake, is not horrible or unfair. It's beautiful.
So, could I be happy being Amish? Maybe. It would depend on how the Amish church's beliefs mesh with my beliefs as a Catholic. There are some parts of the Catholic dogma that I could not give up for the sake of a simple life as an Amish woman. Transubstantiation, for instance. I believe that the Eucharist is the Body and Blood of Christ; not that it represents it.
But the simple life? I could go for that. I truly could. If it were up to me, I would probably get rid of my tv and computer at home and try to live a simpler life closer to God. But it's not up to me, so I'll have to try to live a complicated life closer to God.
June 21, 2008
OMG I'm posting on Saturday!!!!
Ok, so I don't post on Saturdays....or weekends in general, but I have excellent news:
MICHAEL GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!! WOOHOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, here's the really great part: We still get to go to see my family for my birthday! We weren't going to go because it costs about $100 in gas to get down there and back, plus whatever gas we would use while we were there. But now we're going! And, something I think is awesome, we're taking my new car! We were going to rent a car, but to save more money, we will be taking my wonderful new car. The idea is that we shouldn't be spending the extra money to keep the mileage off my car because we're going to run it until the wheels fall off anyway (which means my kids will probably get a car before I get another one, but that's ok) and we don't need to spend the extra money. Michael has had to take a little bit of a pay cut, but that will be made up in about 18 months, assuming he passes all the tests and such, but I'm sure he will.
Here's the ironic part: he was inspecting pest control companies/treatments, now he's working for one of the companies he would have been regulating. In other words, the state gave him all of this free training, plus some travel opportunities and a whole bunch of meals they paid for (and gas and hotels and office supplies) and now he gets to use it to have a job he'll enjoy more.
Oh, another great thing? We were going to go to Wet 'n' Wild while we were visiting my family, and now we aren't because we're trying to save money. Why is that great? Well, while I have lost some weight and I think I'm looking better, I'd rather lose a lot more before I put on a bathing suit and walk around in front of a whole bunch of other people who are also in bathing suits, and many of which would probably look better than I would. Next year? Next year we will definately be going, because by that time I will be HOT! :)
In other news, happy birthday Sis! You rock!
MICHAEL GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!! WOOHOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, here's the really great part: We still get to go to see my family for my birthday! We weren't going to go because it costs about $100 in gas to get down there and back, plus whatever gas we would use while we were there. But now we're going! And, something I think is awesome, we're taking my new car! We were going to rent a car, but to save more money, we will be taking my wonderful new car. The idea is that we shouldn't be spending the extra money to keep the mileage off my car because we're going to run it until the wheels fall off anyway (which means my kids will probably get a car before I get another one, but that's ok) and we don't need to spend the extra money. Michael has had to take a little bit of a pay cut, but that will be made up in about 18 months, assuming he passes all the tests and such, but I'm sure he will.
Here's the ironic part: he was inspecting pest control companies/treatments, now he's working for one of the companies he would have been regulating. In other words, the state gave him all of this free training, plus some travel opportunities and a whole bunch of meals they paid for (and gas and hotels and office supplies) and now he gets to use it to have a job he'll enjoy more.
Oh, another great thing? We were going to go to Wet 'n' Wild while we were visiting my family, and now we aren't because we're trying to save money. Why is that great? Well, while I have lost some weight and I think I'm looking better, I'd rather lose a lot more before I put on a bathing suit and walk around in front of a whole bunch of other people who are also in bathing suits, and many of which would probably look better than I would. Next year? Next year we will definately be going, because by that time I will be HOT! :)
In other news, happy birthday Sis! You rock!
June 20, 2008
Disturbing Dream
I had a very disturbing dream last night. If I were single it would not be disturbing. But I am not single, I'm as far from single as you can be, and so it was very disturbing.
I was in college, single, and I was thinking about taking a certain course the next semester. I was very unsure about this course, because it sounded boring, but it had the potential to be interesting if taught by the correct professor. So I asked my guidance counselor if I could sit in on the class for one or two sessions during the current semester to see how I liked it. He contacted the professor and I received permission to do so. And I did.
I also liked what I saw. Not just in the course, but in the professor as well, who was young and had a very distinctive English accent. I don't know what possessed me to do so, but I chose to stay after class during one of the sessions I observed so I could speak to him. I told him I was very impressed by the course and would likely put it on my schedule for the next semester. He confided that he wasn't going to be the one teaching the course the next semester; he was here on sabbatical from his job in England, and couldn't stay away from teaching. He had decided to take on one course, and that having only one would be enough of a break that he could return to his regular job feeling rested and able to take on his full load again. We spoke for several hours and he finally asked me if I was really a student there. I told him yes, I was. He looked down for a minute and said 'That's too bad. I know dating students is frowned upon at my university in England, I'm sure they look at it the same way here.'
I won't bore you with all of the things we said about how we wished we could be together, but the upshot is that we came up with a plan. I flew with him to England at the end of his sabbatical and enrolled in a university where he didn't teach. Unfortunately, that didn't work. Apparently, at least in my dream world, the universities in England don't want any professors dating any students regardless of different institutions. Especially if there is a ten-year age difference, as there was with us. We already had an apartment together and were heading steadily toward marriage, so we decided to go back to the U.S. and get married, and then it wouldn't matter because we wouldn't be 'dating'. We decided to live in the U.S. because he didn't have any family he was particularly close to (an uncle here, a cousin there) and I missed my family terribly.
The flight back was really strange. He and I flew back with a friend who was also getting married and moving to the U.S. and her fiance. The strange part was that the plane was more like a flying warehouse with all kinds of goods and such that the U.K. was exporting to the U.S. This didn't strike me as strange while I was dreaming, however. The flight back went smoothly, as did the small, private wedding. I had decided I wanted a small wedding, and the dress was exquisite (and expensive). We found an apartment very quickly, and he found a job and I re-enrolled in my previous university. The dream ended one night while we were getting ready to count coins. When I say 'getting ready' I mean that my money was pretty much counted before he even took out his wallet. I might have even been able to count my money twice. But I woke up.
Well, first I partially woke up, felt really guilty about the dream and then thought Michael and I were in the process of counting the money. Still in the grips of the dream, I didn't realize he wasn't even awake.
Then I fully woke up and everything hit me: I was married, my husband was still asleep, and I'd had a very detailed dream about an English professor who was not as boring as that title makes him sound. When I say very detailed, I mean it. If I had written the whole story this post would be way to long to publish. This guy and I had a life together, there was a story line and regular day-to-day stuff like the laundry and cleaning.
If this had just been a flitting dream like I normally have I don't think I would be too disturbed by it. But this was more like a book than a dream. And I'M MARRIED! I basically cheated on my husband (trust me, that's in the Bible too; impure thoughts regarding someone other than your spouse is being unfaithful). What makes it worse is the kind of thoughts I'm having this morning; they just randomly pop in my head. "I wonder if I can find grounds for an annulment." "Could I divorce him and marry someone else outside the Church?" And I keep getting different scenes from the dream in my head. Scenes where I'm deliriously happy just doing the laundry or watching him walk in the door when he comes home from work.
But I'M MARRIED! Lord help me.
I was in college, single, and I was thinking about taking a certain course the next semester. I was very unsure about this course, because it sounded boring, but it had the potential to be interesting if taught by the correct professor. So I asked my guidance counselor if I could sit in on the class for one or two sessions during the current semester to see how I liked it. He contacted the professor and I received permission to do so. And I did.
I also liked what I saw. Not just in the course, but in the professor as well, who was young and had a very distinctive English accent. I don't know what possessed me to do so, but I chose to stay after class during one of the sessions I observed so I could speak to him. I told him I was very impressed by the course and would likely put it on my schedule for the next semester. He confided that he wasn't going to be the one teaching the course the next semester; he was here on sabbatical from his job in England, and couldn't stay away from teaching. He had decided to take on one course, and that having only one would be enough of a break that he could return to his regular job feeling rested and able to take on his full load again. We spoke for several hours and he finally asked me if I was really a student there. I told him yes, I was. He looked down for a minute and said 'That's too bad. I know dating students is frowned upon at my university in England, I'm sure they look at it the same way here.'
I won't bore you with all of the things we said about how we wished we could be together, but the upshot is that we came up with a plan. I flew with him to England at the end of his sabbatical and enrolled in a university where he didn't teach. Unfortunately, that didn't work. Apparently, at least in my dream world, the universities in England don't want any professors dating any students regardless of different institutions. Especially if there is a ten-year age difference, as there was with us. We already had an apartment together and were heading steadily toward marriage, so we decided to go back to the U.S. and get married, and then it wouldn't matter because we wouldn't be 'dating'. We decided to live in the U.S. because he didn't have any family he was particularly close to (an uncle here, a cousin there) and I missed my family terribly.
The flight back was really strange. He and I flew back with a friend who was also getting married and moving to the U.S. and her fiance. The strange part was that the plane was more like a flying warehouse with all kinds of goods and such that the U.K. was exporting to the U.S. This didn't strike me as strange while I was dreaming, however. The flight back went smoothly, as did the small, private wedding. I had decided I wanted a small wedding, and the dress was exquisite (and expensive). We found an apartment very quickly, and he found a job and I re-enrolled in my previous university. The dream ended one night while we were getting ready to count coins. When I say 'getting ready' I mean that my money was pretty much counted before he even took out his wallet. I might have even been able to count my money twice. But I woke up.
Well, first I partially woke up, felt really guilty about the dream and then thought Michael and I were in the process of counting the money. Still in the grips of the dream, I didn't realize he wasn't even awake.
Then I fully woke up and everything hit me: I was married, my husband was still asleep, and I'd had a very detailed dream about an English professor who was not as boring as that title makes him sound. When I say very detailed, I mean it. If I had written the whole story this post would be way to long to publish. This guy and I had a life together, there was a story line and regular day-to-day stuff like the laundry and cleaning.
If this had just been a flitting dream like I normally have I don't think I would be too disturbed by it. But this was more like a book than a dream. And I'M MARRIED! I basically cheated on my husband (trust me, that's in the Bible too; impure thoughts regarding someone other than your spouse is being unfaithful). What makes it worse is the kind of thoughts I'm having this morning; they just randomly pop in my head. "I wonder if I can find grounds for an annulment." "Could I divorce him and marry someone else outside the Church?" And I keep getting different scenes from the dream in my head. Scenes where I'm deliriously happy just doing the laundry or watching him walk in the door when he comes home from work.
But I'M MARRIED! Lord help me.
June 19, 2008
Work From Home
I've been doing a little budgeting this morning in an effort to find out how long Michael and I can last on my income alone. We could probably subsist for awhile if we stop driving, using electricity and ration the food in our freezer. I, believe it or not, am not worried about this. As I said in my last post, God will provide.
However, I also know that God helps those who help themselves, so I am going to do what I can to make our situation easier until Michael can find another job. (BTW, they still haven't given us a reason for firing him.) Do any of you wonderful readers know of any legitimate work-at-home opportunities? Please let me know either by a comment or by emailing me at betweenhnh@gmail.com . Thanks!
However, I also know that God helps those who help themselves, so I am going to do what I can to make our situation easier until Michael can find another job. (BTW, they still haven't given us a reason for firing him.) Do any of you wonderful readers know of any legitimate work-at-home opportunities? Please let me know either by a comment or by emailing me at betweenhnh@gmail.com . Thanks!
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