Are all these hormones really necessary? Aren't the backache, heartburn, sleeplessness, constant thirst, overwhelming hunger coupled with a squished stomach and unrealistic cravings, and swelling enough to deal with during pregnancy? Why is it that when I'm trying to prepare for what is likely the biggest challenge of my life I have to be more insanely emotional than I usually am?
Michael can simply ask me how my day went or what I did, and I feel like he's interrogating me. I know he's not; he's just curious, like he's always been. It never really bothered me before. Now it pisses me off.
Then having that reaction makes me sad, so I start to cry. I think things like "A marriage shouldn't be like this" and "why am I so freaking nutty?" My life right now seems to be a study in contradictions.
I've always wished Michael would be a little more independent and need me a little less. I think he's making an effort to do that now, especially since he's not going to have a choice in a few weeks. (A few weeks? EEK!) But now when I see him do something that I would normally have done or he would have asked me to do, it makes me sad. And worse, it makes me feel bad, like I should have thought to do it for him and done it before he did.
I hear all the advice about realizing that you can't be superwoman and do it all by yourself. You can't take care of a husband and a baby and the house and yourself. I've always accepted that. I was never really sure where that help would come from, since my family is four hours away and I'll be on my death bed before I ask his mom for help. But, I figured that Michael and I could handle it together, maybe judiciously asking for help from select family friends while still making it clear that we were handling everything just fine.
But, I can feel that need to be superwoman and supermom coming on. I did not expect that, but I feel like I need to be able to handle everything by myself. I know that I can't, but I want to. I want to prove it to myself and everyone else that I can do this all by myself.
I have never felt that way about anything before, and I don't know what to do about it. How do you ask for help when you don't really trust anyone around you? My mom will be coming up for about a week, but then what? And Michael's cousins (sisters) have decided that they want to come spend some time with us sometime in January, and he doesn't see a problem with it. HELLO?!?! New infant, less than a month old, and they want to come spend the night in a house that already has very little room, and bring a toddler! I reminded the mom of the group that Wesley will certainly not be sleeping through the night at that time, and she responded that she's used to it. I didn't feel I could respond that I wasn't so much worried about her if she's stupid enough to want to come visit so early, but having to deal with her, her sister, her daughter, and an infant who will need to be fed every two to three hours is a little above and beyond the call of duty for me. I'll have to try to figure out how to get that message across.
So, I'm sure all this pressure I'm feeling to get everything right the first time isn't helping my crazy hormonal self, but I really wish the hormones would just go away, or at least back off a little. I've cried more in the last week than in probably the last year. Grrr.