March 24, 2010


Despite the rather gloomy mood of my last two posts, I have been feeling incredibly motivated the last few days. I'm motivated to lose weight, exercise, eat better, be a better wife and mother, find a job, grow closer to God and my family, and enjoy my life.

I feel as though I'm on the edge of a cliff, and my choices are to walk away and keep my feet firmly on the ground, or jump just to see if I can grow wings and fly. Maybe now is the time in my life that I should jump, because I've spent my life walking away. But now, I don't two solid options to choose between. I don't really even have two options, or anything to choose. I still feel like jumping. I think I'll jump and find out what I'm jumping into.

March 23, 2010

In His Hands

My brother-in-law has cancer. This is his third, and most aggressive, recurrence. He is in God's hands, and it seems as though he is being called home.

He is scheduled for a clinical trial in about one week, but his doctors say they can only delay the inevitable. This time, the cancer is too aggressive and in too many places.

So we are praying for a miracle, and for acceptance of God's will. Please pray for him and his family. Thank you!

March 12, 2010

depression or baby blues?

I am struggling. I'm not sure if it's postpartum depression or just baby blues. The reason I am not sure is because some days (some hours) I'm okay, and other days (other hours) I'm not. When I feel like I've gotten enough sleep I'm usually okay, but not always. If I'm tired, I'm rarely okay. But the mood always goes away. When I'm down, I feel like I'm down more and more often and it's not getting better. When I'm okay, I'm generally happy and I feel like it's getting better, and I try not to think about the down times because I hope it won't come back.

This roller coaster is more than just physically draining, which doesn't help the sleep situation. Wesley won't sleep in his crib for more than two hours, and it's rare for him to sleep that long. Most of the time I'm lucky to get an hour, so I'm not getting a lot of sleep. It only takes about 30 minutes to get him back to sleep enough to put down, but I can only do that so many times in one night. And when I'm just too tired to do it anymore, I take him to bed with me.

I'm not letting myself become completely exhausted because I give up on the crib thing before that happens, but I'm not really getting enough sleep either.

So here's the question: which came first, the roller coaster of emotion or the unreliable amounts of sleep?

Somehow, I think having a job would actually help the emotional issues because I would have something else to focus on, but I don't have a job and I don't think having one would help with sleeping. I couldn't possibly keep trying to get him to sleep in his crib if I have to wake up in the morning, go to work and be useful.

But that's moot because I don't have a job offer anyway. So now I feel like I'm rambling, but the upshot is that I feel like this is never going to end, like I'm never going to be able to get enough sleep again, and I really miss my husband. I feel like I never get to see him and I certainly never get to sleep with him (in any way).

And through all of that, I feel so incredibly stupid and ungrateful. I have been given a wonderful gift in my little Wes-man. He is cute and wonderful and he's been ahead of the curve since he started lifting his head off my shoulder in the hospital. His social smile started around three weeks, and he's already trying to crawl and sit up (if he's mostly up anyway). He's my little genius and I am so blessed, so why can't I just be happy?

March 8, 2010

Baby Monitor

I HATE our baby monitor. It only transmits when it detects sounds, and the threshold is WAY higher than it should be in my opinion. As in, if the baby is not crying the monitor will stop transmitting, even if it the noise which began the transmission continues but does not escalate.

When I am awake it's not really a problem because my Mommy Super Hearing has kicked in, and I can hear him no matter where I am in the house. However, I am getting only about half the sleep I was getting before he was born, so when I fall asleep I sleep very deeply. Therefore a monitor that only transmits when it detects a noise and stops transmitting if that noise does not escalate is not at all useful to me.

This morning I began searching for another baby monitor, and can find nothing in any of the item descriptions or reviews regarding this annoying little 'feature'. I can understand why it's not mentioned. Who would buy a monitor if the description clearly states that it only transmits when it thinks your baby needs you? Or even (more realistically) that it only transmits when it detects a noise?

So, to the mothers who read my blog, please let me know if you have a monitor that doesn't do this, and give me the model number so I can get it!