My Eggo is Preggo

I wanted to set that as my facebook status, but Michael made a face, so I decided to use it here instead.

Yep, I'm pregnant! And right now, as you'll see to the right, my baby looks like a reptile. But that's ok, I know eventually the tadpoleishness will fade and it will be clear that the father of my child is indeed human. Assuming that my husband is human...hmmm...I hadn't thought about that before.

But, anyway. This is a little earlier than we had planned, but, surprise! God doesn't always think our plans are the best thing for us, and so here we are. Yay!

I will keep everyone updated, for now I'm going to be a responsible (eek!) mother and go get some sleep.

Just In Case...

...you happen to be giving directions to someone, please keep in mind that you are probably giving that someone directions because he or she isn't familiar with that part of town. And, in that case, you should probably mention any odd-looking intersection that aren't pretty close to the standard + shape. For example, if there is an intersection which happens to be of a shape where the road into the intersection leads the driver into the right hand turn lane, and the straight/left-turn lane doesn't really seem to lead to a 'straight' option (unless you count a dirt road, which might be a driveway), but rather only a left-turn option is clear. So the driver turns right. Should the driver then call you because the driver finds him- or herself in the middle of nowhere with no helpful street signs or 'civilization: 2 miles' type signs and in a slight panic because he or she has only twenty minutes to get back to work, your response should not be "I have no idea, have you thought about turning around?". Because, truly, if you feel comfortable enough to give someone directions (after taking away their GPS system...hypothetically, of course), you ought to know everything that person might encounter. If he or she reached a traffic light and turned right, after going straight through the first traffic light, you ought to know where he or she is. You certainly shouldn't have to suggest that the driver retrace his or her steps as your first suggestion. But, say the driver does, and the driver manages to find the way back to the traffic light in question and describes it for you, again, and asks you to turn left or right, you should again be able to give a concrete answer. You should not say "I really don't have any idea where you are." This may cause the driver to become infuriated and hang up on you, causing the driver to have to fend for him- or herself in an unfamiliar part of town. You should be paying enough attention, and have been familiar enough with the route you gave the driver to know where he or she is. Really, you should. It's only nice. And, certainly, when the driver does manage to find his or her own way after ignoring your phone calls (you've already been no help, why would you be able to help now?), and then does take pity on you and answer the phone, you shouldn't demand an explanation of how the driver found his or her way. If the driver should happen to humor you, I really, truly, and with everything I have, advise against saying "Oohhh! Now I know where you were! Well, I could have told you an easier way to get back, but that works. I wish you'd been more clear." Because that might really piss the driver off.

*Disclaimer: This is a hypothetical situation. Any resemblance it has to an actual event is not accidental. Though it may seem to be loosely based an an incident that may or may not have happened on my lunch hour today due to certain instructions given to me by my husband, I can assure you that it is purely a situation of my own imagination. Thank you.

All I Want To Do is Read

I'm obsessed with books. If you saw Inkheart, I'm the crazy, cowardly aunt with the huge library (or I'd like to have a library that huge). Belle is my favorite Disney princess because of that gigantic library she has. There is no such thing as 'enough' books. I imagine that if I managed to read every book ever written in or translated into the English language I would have to learn another language (Italian, most likely) just so I could keep reading. If you read my previous post, you know I was reading the Twilight series. I finished it in four days. Yes, really. Four books, four days. And I still went to work. I didn't sleep very much.

I don't go into book stores unless I've just read some very good books, because I don't trust myself to go in starving. I've drained my bank account more than once doing that. Even when I'm not starving I really can't go in very often because I don't trust myself to browse. I have to go in with a specific goal. Mostly I shop online because I can just look up the book I want without catching sight of others that look good as well. It's not as fun, but it's safer and cheaper as well.

So, you would think that a career having something to do with books would be a good pick for me. I thought so too. An editor, for instance, would be a fantastic job for me, but I imagine I'm not the only bibliophile out there who enjoys reading not only the finished product on the shelves with a red pen in hand but also any rough copy I can get my hands on. I've stopped reading my finished books with a real red pen actually in my hand - they get rather messy - but if I get my hands on an advance copy or a manuscript (say, online, after a book has been published) it's so much fun for me to see what I would have changed compared to what was changed. So, I've been doing some research, and it turns out that the best place to become an editor (after obtaining a college degree in English) is New York. Damn. I know I'm not the only red-pen-armed bibliophile there, and I'm not actually even there, nor will I ever really be there for long enough to start a career and become established enough to work away from there. Damn, damn, damn.

Okay, next plan. Something, perhaps, attainable in this small little 'town' where I live? English teacher? Hmm...that has possibilities. I've always loved English. I'd teach high school, of course. I have a hard enough time dealing with adults and those who are almost adults, I couldn't imagine middle school, or *shudder* having to teach every subject including Math in Elementary School. Nothing too terrible about this career path, except perhaps the pay and extra hours outside of school, but I could get over that. Of course, the students could be a problem for me. I hated the students in my high school classes who made fun of Shakespeare and couldn't appreciate the beauty of classic literature. Would I feel the same hatred? Would I be able to get past it? Would I be able to let it go and not judge them on it? If they obviously hated the material but wrote good papers would I be able to grade them fairly? Well, yes, if the papers were good. But what if they were only mediocre? Would I grade them worse because I felt they hadn't even tried because they hated the book or play? I honestly don't know. And, I'm afraid it would ruin it for me if I didn't have at least one student like me in every class.

And, in the end, all I want to do is read. Yep, read. I don't want to analyze or find the themes or write up tests or any of that nonsense. I just want to read and enjoy books without knowing why. But, after all those years of having all of that 'nonsense' pounded into my head, I can't help it. I see foreshadowing and themes and everything else that is written into good books (which I can't write myself, incidently) without even trying. I wonder what all of it means. What should I be doing?

Why Couldn't I Have Fallen in Love with a Vampire?

I'm reading Twilight. Well, actually, I started reading Twilight yesterday and I finished it (including the preview of the next book) this morning. I have the rest of the series on the way (thanks to Amazon). I should have known better and either a) never started reading it, or b) bought all the books at once.
I'm incredibly impatient when it comes to reading series books. I bought two other books yesterday (also part of a series), along with Twilight, but Wal-mart didn't have the other books in the Twilight series, or even the third book and fourth book of the other series I bought. And I know better than to start a series without having all the books available to me if they are published. But I couldn't resist, something about a good vampire is just so attractive.

And now, I find myself insanely jealous of Bella. I know it's not real. I know that vampires aren't supposed to exist. I know that even if vampires did exist it would be very unlikely that I, with my luck, would find the 'good' ones. And yet I am so jealous! Every day of my life I have waited for something unusual, out of the ordinary, and even supernatural to happen. Visions brush the edge of my dreams, I recognize them later but never understand them when I dream them. Sometimes something happens to make the dream take on new meaning, as if I'm seeing it clearly for the first time, and then I understand. I've had these dreams for as long as I can remember, and they don't scare me like they used to, but it's the closest I've ever gotten to something fantastical happening to me. I read stories of the supernatural and the other-wordly greedily, hungrily, as if I can pick something up about how to run into this world we cannot see. As I was reading the Harry Potter series I waited anxiously for my letter to arrive on my 11th birthday, even though I knew it was silly and wouldn't happen. When it didn't, I waited for my 16th birthday, to wake up levitating ala Sabrina the Teenage Witch. When that didn't happen, I waited for my first love to tell me he was really not human, something else (vampire didn't cross my mind, but angel, or demon-turned-good-by-the-sight-of-me, or something like that was the idea), and he had a mission here on earth and then he would have to leave forever...except, of course, that he wouldn't, because he loved me too, and he couldn't. That didn't happen either, of course, he really just didn't like me like that.

These thoughts/dreams/hopes have continued through my life. I see a story and whether or not I'm the correct age and in the correct social position of the heroine, I hope that it will happen to me, even if just the for time I'm absorbing the story. Over time my enthusiasm and expectation have diminished of course, but I don't think it'll ever go away, this wish to be something more than who I am.

It doesn't help that I can't seem to be content with my life the way it is, of course. I'm not one of those people who blithely say they would do it all over again the same way. I wouldn't, if given the chance. I know I still wouldn't be able to control the future, especially if I couldn't retain my memories, or could only change one decision. I might even end up in the same situation I am in, just with different people playing the roles.

I think what really makes me envy these characters and their lives is how blissfully happy they seem. Even when there is trouble, angst, danger, what have you, there is something about their life they love. There is something they chose that put them in all of those terrible situations, and they are so happy with that choice that they wouldn't change a thing. What a joy it must be to have a life like that. To be absolutely sure you are on the right path for you, to be sure you are where you want to be. Even if they doubt it, even if they wonder, eventually they realize they made the right choice, because, on some level, they've known it all along. Will I eventually realize that I did the right thing? That everything is going to be okay because I'm where I'm supposed to be? Or will I always live wishing, hoping, praying, that something will happen to drastically change my life, so that I can finally be happy?

Lent/Easter

Lent is a fairly depressing time for me. I choose to let it be that way, but I cannot ignore the traditions I have been raised with. I could ignore the fact that this is the time we reflect on our sins, for which Christ, sinless, was hung on a cross, and hung there in agony for three hours. This is the time we reflect on how all that we have done and do and will do brought him to Jerusalem for the Last Supper, and into the Garden of Gethsemane where Satan tempted Him to lay down His cross and be done with it, with us. God couldn't have faulted Him, as He was and is God, and was and is sinless. But Jesus did not abandon us, He did not walk away, as He had every right to. Instead, He carried His cross, walked the path to Golgotha, and hung on the cross to cry "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabacthani?" ("My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?") These words echo through my mind all through Lent. It becomes my cry, my agony. On Palm Sunday, Catholics around the world recite the Lord's Passion. The congregation says certain parts aloud, while the narration, the part of Christ, and the part of other individual speakers are read by the priest and lectors. It is a powerful experience for me. If you are a Christian and have never come to a Palm Sunday Mass (whether or not you are Catholic) I would suggest you go. Watching the Passion (Mel Gibson's movie) was a powerful experience to be sure, but to place yourself in the shoes of and to be the voice of the people who shouted "Crucify Him! Crucify Him!" is to understand that none of us are above reproach. It gives new meaning to understanding that we are all sinners. It's humbling to realize that the sins in our life led Christ to the cross just as surely as those people and the chief priests and scribes who stirred the crowd to hatred of Him. When you realize that Christ not only died for your sins, but that He died BECAUSE of your sins, and went to Calvary literally carrying the weight of every sin ever committed since the beginning of time and every sin ever to be committed until the end of time, it is the most humbling experience you will likely ever have. It has brought me to bitter tears more than once.

That being said, I can usually shake off the depression of Lent for the joy of Easter. When I hear "Allelujah! Allelujah! He is RISEN TODAY!" My heart swells, tears of joy fill my eyes. I remember that my Lord is with me always, He knows I am sorry for my sins, and He forgives me for everything. I feel light and free; gone is the weight of what I have done, replaced with an unrelenting grace and joy that can only be from God.

That didn't happen this year. I wonder if it is because I have stepped away from God's path for my life, or if it is because I have stepped away from Him without realizing it. Easy and gentle are the first steps of path that leads away from God's love and grace, and we often don't realize that we are on that path until we find ourselves completely lost and without direction and crying "Eloi, ELOI! Lama sabacthani?" I still pray and meditate on the glories of God, and I know He is there, but I feel as though I've done something that has seperated me from Him. Those fateful words still echo through my mind, and Easter did not hold the joy it should have. As I think back, Easter has not held that joy for a few years, and I wonder how long I have been off the path of goodness and righteousness. My heart and soul are parched and long for the river of God's grace, but my feet cannot seem to find the way. Where did I stop following God's Will for my life? When did I look down and despair of my dirty feet on the narrow path, and see an easier way I thought would be better? When did I stop trusting in the Lord for fear of myself? I still recognize the Spirit within me, for I still praise God and see His miracles and graces. Many people don't realize that you needn't follow Satan to stop following the Lord. There are many paths, but only one leads to God. I know that God is still with me, but I fear that I am not with Him.

Please, Lord, I am a lost sheep and need You to come find me, for I haven't the strength to return to You. I am desperate for You, Lord. I try to run to You and find that I have only the strength to crawl. I no longer understand the path you have set for me, and I do not see Your Will. Lead me to where You want me, Lord. Make me Yours again, and show me Your Will. Only You are worthy, only You deserve my praise, my heart, and my life. Open my eyes, Lord, that I may see the way back to You. Open my ears, that I may hear Your sweet voice. Open my heart, that I may know You again. Please, Lord, I need You.

Swap Hop!

Yay, a bloggy swap!






Country Girl, City Life (the exact opposite of my situation, by the by) is hosting a Favorite Things Swap. If you'd like to participate, head over there now and sign up, then prepare to send out your favorite things!