April 14, 2009

Why Couldn't I Have Fallen in Love with a Vampire?

I'm reading Twilight. Well, actually, I started reading Twilight yesterday and I finished it (including the preview of the next book) this morning. I have the rest of the series on the way (thanks to Amazon). I should have known better and either a) never started reading it, or b) bought all the books at once.
I'm incredibly impatient when it comes to reading series books. I bought two other books yesterday (also part of a series), along with Twilight, but Wal-mart didn't have the other books in the Twilight series, or even the third book and fourth book of the other series I bought. And I know better than to start a series without having all the books available to me if they are published. But I couldn't resist, something about a good vampire is just so attractive.

And now, I find myself insanely jealous of Bella. I know it's not real. I know that vampires aren't supposed to exist. I know that even if vampires did exist it would be very unlikely that I, with my luck, would find the 'good' ones. And yet I am so jealous! Every day of my life I have waited for something unusual, out of the ordinary, and even supernatural to happen. Visions brush the edge of my dreams, I recognize them later but never understand them when I dream them. Sometimes something happens to make the dream take on new meaning, as if I'm seeing it clearly for the first time, and then I understand. I've had these dreams for as long as I can remember, and they don't scare me like they used to, but it's the closest I've ever gotten to something fantastical happening to me. I read stories of the supernatural and the other-wordly greedily, hungrily, as if I can pick something up about how to run into this world we cannot see. As I was reading the Harry Potter series I waited anxiously for my letter to arrive on my 11th birthday, even though I knew it was silly and wouldn't happen. When it didn't, I waited for my 16th birthday, to wake up levitating ala Sabrina the Teenage Witch. When that didn't happen, I waited for my first love to tell me he was really not human, something else (vampire didn't cross my mind, but angel, or demon-turned-good-by-the-sight-of-me, or something like that was the idea), and he had a mission here on earth and then he would have to leave forever...except, of course, that he wouldn't, because he loved me too, and he couldn't. That didn't happen either, of course, he really just didn't like me like that.

These thoughts/dreams/hopes have continued through my life. I see a story and whether or not I'm the correct age and in the correct social position of the heroine, I hope that it will happen to me, even if just the for time I'm absorbing the story. Over time my enthusiasm and expectation have diminished of course, but I don't think it'll ever go away, this wish to be something more than who I am.

It doesn't help that I can't seem to be content with my life the way it is, of course. I'm not one of those people who blithely say they would do it all over again the same way. I wouldn't, if given the chance. I know I still wouldn't be able to control the future, especially if I couldn't retain my memories, or could only change one decision. I might even end up in the same situation I am in, just with different people playing the roles.

I think what really makes me envy these characters and their lives is how blissfully happy they seem. Even when there is trouble, angst, danger, what have you, there is something about their life they love. There is something they chose that put them in all of those terrible situations, and they are so happy with that choice that they wouldn't change a thing. What a joy it must be to have a life like that. To be absolutely sure you are on the right path for you, to be sure you are where you want to be. Even if they doubt it, even if they wonder, eventually they realize they made the right choice, because, on some level, they've known it all along. Will I eventually realize that I did the right thing? That everything is going to be okay because I'm where I'm supposed to be? Or will I always live wishing, hoping, praying, that something will happen to drastically change my life, so that I can finally be happy?

1 comment:

Traceytreasure said...

I've been through hell and back. I appreciate my life more now, than I ever did. You're way younger than I am. I think you have to have a certain amount of life events, sadness and grief before you can feel real joy. You are living the life you're supposed to be living. IMO!
I wish I'd read the Twilight books because I didn't like the movie AT ALL!
Be kind to yourself and others. You'll find your joy if you keep looking!

Big hugs!!