July 28, 2008

Confused and Troubled

So, here's the thing: I have my real life and my internet life. Sometimes the two mix; and sometimes that mix ends up being like three Sex on the Beaches and five rum and cokes and two vodka shots in about 3 hours...complete with the hangover the next morning.

I've only ever had that much to drink once, and the alcohol came in different forms, but I'm working on a metaphor here, so bear with me.

The vodka shots are like my old standby. The standard I measure all other alcohol against. It's what I started with. Still makes my heart thump a little harder, causes that 'everything's good' feeling, and makes me feel like a girl with her first real love.

The rum and cokes are the alcohol that make up my every day life: family, friends, job, pets, etc. Comfortable, familiar, sweet and yummy.

The Sex on the Beaches are like my current standard. When I drink the vodka, I'm not sure why I switched standards, but I know I did and that I can't really go back to the vodka. I know I'm committed to the Sex on the Beach; even if it makes me throw up. For some reason, I just can't let go, no matter how much I might want to. The Sex on the Beach even has some vodka in it, but it doesn't make me feel the same as the vodka did. But I'm committed, and I can't change that. Still, I can be happy with the Sex on the Beach, and most of the time I am. But when I'm not, all I can remember is that the vodka never made me throw up. I felt bad sometimes, but I never threw up.

Kind of a strange metaphor, I know, but it's where I am right now. I've got my Sex on the Beach and my rum and cokes, and I recently found vodka again. But finding the vodka again has me confused and troubled, and I'm not sure what to do about it.