April 15, 2010

Here We Go...

I got the job. I'm processing it, and dealing with it. I know I'll survive, as long as Wesley is okay. So we'll see how daycare goes, and just as with the job search I'm praying for God's will to be done because I'm too partial to know which outcome to pray for.

Thankfully, Michael has decided that we will use a real daycare. He doesn't want a falling out with his aunt if something happens, and I'm just glad he finally heard me. I am slowly but surely learning how be a good wife and share my concerns in a way that allows Michael to change his mind and still let it be his decision. :)

Wesley has a sinus infection, but by Monday he should be feeling a lot better, because the doctor put him on antibiotics today. Oh boy, I start Monday and have to leave him with strangers before he's all better. I'll be okay, I promise.

Tomorrow I'm going to visit the daycares, make a decision, and get him set up. I would have gone today, but I didn't have anyone to leave him with, and I want to spend every minute with him anyway.

The last thing I'm worried about is being able to pump enough breastmilk. My new employer has more than 50 employees, so they have to let me pump. Still, I don't want it to be an issue because I don't want to be 'that employee'. So, I'm praying that I'll know the right words to say, and that they'll support my efforts to keep breastfeeding.

April 13, 2010

Trying to stay positive

I have a third interview/staff meet 'n' greet with a potential employer tomorrow. I am happy about this. I really am. It means Michael and I can start looking for land or a maybe a house that's already built. It means that if either of us needs a new vehicle at any time in the future we will be able to afford it. It means I can buy gifts for my family and friends without worrying about whether or not I'm spending too much money. It means I can stop following the progress of unemployment extensions being passed or delayed by Congress. It means that, at least while I'm at work, I'll be able to go to the bathroom, eat, and drink when I need or want to.

It also means that I have to entrust Wesley's care to someone else. Someone who won't do as good a job as I can. Someone who may not be willing to hold him so he sleeps when he needs to. Someone who might not be as responsive to his cries as I am. Someone who might put him in a walker. Someone who might think TV is a good way to keep him occupied. Someone who might let him sleep instead of waking him to eat because they didn't hold him so he could sleep before and when they finallly got him to sleep on his own they didn't want to wake him. Someone who might feel that letting him cry it out or (when he's older) spanking is appropriate.

I dreamt about the perfect daycare last night. One adult for every two babies, cameras in every room with live continuous internet transmission, a nursing/pumping room, separate refrigerator for breast milk, three infant rooms (napping/quiet, playing, and crying/fussy) with one permanent worker in each room aside from the one for every two babies, guaranteed tummy time every day, no walkers, no TV, and a nurse on staff. If we could find that, I might be okay.

Unfortunately, it doesn't exist, at least not here. So, I shall have to place my faith in God that Michael's aunt will be a good and honest caretaker and follow our rules even if/when she doesn't agree. I have to trust that if she can't do that or she feels she's not able to give him the care he deserves that she'll tell us. And I have to trust in my ability to recognize any negative changes in Wesley, discern the cause, and fix it.

March 24, 2010


Despite the rather gloomy mood of my last two posts, I have been feeling incredibly motivated the last few days. I'm motivated to lose weight, exercise, eat better, be a better wife and mother, find a job, grow closer to God and my family, and enjoy my life.

I feel as though I'm on the edge of a cliff, and my choices are to walk away and keep my feet firmly on the ground, or jump just to see if I can grow wings and fly. Maybe now is the time in my life that I should jump, because I've spent my life walking away. But now, I don't two solid options to choose between. I don't really even have two options, or anything to choose. I still feel like jumping. I think I'll jump and find out what I'm jumping into.

March 23, 2010

In His Hands

My brother-in-law has cancer. This is his third, and most aggressive, recurrence. He is in God's hands, and it seems as though he is being called home.

He is scheduled for a clinical trial in about one week, but his doctors say they can only delay the inevitable. This time, the cancer is too aggressive and in too many places.

So we are praying for a miracle, and for acceptance of God's will. Please pray for him and his family. Thank you!

March 12, 2010

depression or baby blues?

I am struggling. I'm not sure if it's postpartum depression or just baby blues. The reason I am not sure is because some days (some hours) I'm okay, and other days (other hours) I'm not. When I feel like I've gotten enough sleep I'm usually okay, but not always. If I'm tired, I'm rarely okay. But the mood always goes away. When I'm down, I feel like I'm down more and more often and it's not getting better. When I'm okay, I'm generally happy and I feel like it's getting better, and I try not to think about the down times because I hope it won't come back.

This roller coaster is more than just physically draining, which doesn't help the sleep situation. Wesley won't sleep in his crib for more than two hours, and it's rare for him to sleep that long. Most of the time I'm lucky to get an hour, so I'm not getting a lot of sleep. It only takes about 30 minutes to get him back to sleep enough to put down, but I can only do that so many times in one night. And when I'm just too tired to do it anymore, I take him to bed with me.

I'm not letting myself become completely exhausted because I give up on the crib thing before that happens, but I'm not really getting enough sleep either.

So here's the question: which came first, the roller coaster of emotion or the unreliable amounts of sleep?

Somehow, I think having a job would actually help the emotional issues because I would have something else to focus on, but I don't have a job and I don't think having one would help with sleeping. I couldn't possibly keep trying to get him to sleep in his crib if I have to wake up in the morning, go to work and be useful.

But that's moot because I don't have a job offer anyway. So now I feel like I'm rambling, but the upshot is that I feel like this is never going to end, like I'm never going to be able to get enough sleep again, and I really miss my husband. I feel like I never get to see him and I certainly never get to sleep with him (in any way).

And through all of that, I feel so incredibly stupid and ungrateful. I have been given a wonderful gift in my little Wes-man. He is cute and wonderful and he's been ahead of the curve since he started lifting his head off my shoulder in the hospital. His social smile started around three weeks, and he's already trying to crawl and sit up (if he's mostly up anyway). He's my little genius and I am so blessed, so why can't I just be happy?

March 8, 2010

Baby Monitor

I HATE our baby monitor. It only transmits when it detects sounds, and the threshold is WAY higher than it should be in my opinion. As in, if the baby is not crying the monitor will stop transmitting, even if it the noise which began the transmission continues but does not escalate.

When I am awake it's not really a problem because my Mommy Super Hearing has kicked in, and I can hear him no matter where I am in the house. However, I am getting only about half the sleep I was getting before he was born, so when I fall asleep I sleep very deeply. Therefore a monitor that only transmits when it detects a noise and stops transmitting if that noise does not escalate is not at all useful to me.

This morning I began searching for another baby monitor, and can find nothing in any of the item descriptions or reviews regarding this annoying little 'feature'. I can understand why it's not mentioned. Who would buy a monitor if the description clearly states that it only transmits when it thinks your baby needs you? Or even (more realistically) that it only transmits when it detects a noise?

So, to the mothers who read my blog, please let me know if you have a monitor that doesn't do this, and give me the model number so I can get it!

February 25, 2010


I have always had issues with trust. I don't trust people to understand me, love me, or accept me just as I am. I don't trust that Michael won't get mad at me for the things I do or don't do, or that he trusts that I don't do things (or buy things) without reason. I don't trust that I can be a good mother, that I have enough discipline to lose the weight I want to lose, or that I can be a good wife for the rest of Michael's life.

I know that Michael loves me, but I don't trust it, so I read into his comments and pull out meanings he didn't even realize the words could have. I know that I have been given all the gifts and grace I need to conquer my earthly desires and be a good wife and mother, but I don't trust it.

Lately, God has been trying to get me to let go and trust. All of these issues come down to not really trusting Him. I don't trust that He has put people in my life who really love me. I don't trust that He has given those people the graces they need to put up with me. Somehow, even with everything that has been provided to me, I don't trust that He will provide me with everything I need.

I'm working on that. God is leading me into a deeper trust in Him. He has just shown me the need for it in the past few weeks, and I can feel Him working in my heart and mind, encouraging me to take the actions that show trust in a 'fake it until you make it' fashion.

That has always been my way. 'Fake it until you make it' is kind of a personal mantra. I have to do something before it can become real for me. One thing I do trust is that God knows that and He loves it about me. I think that's a really good place for this trust thing to start.

February 22, 2010

It's the little things...

That make you appreciate where you are in life. Little victories that you can claim and treasure. Right now, I'm happy to report that I am typing this post with two hands. A little victory made possible by the fact that Wesley is sitting in his bouncer seat, happily looking around and kicking.

I'm ignoring the fact that that's all I have to talk about regarding Wes, unless you want a diaper count, tales of nursing marathons thanks to an impending growth spurt, or the riveting saga of how long it took to get out of the house to go to church yesterday.

I shall assume you don't, and move on to random thoughts I've had over the past few days.

Lysacek won! Yay! Plushenko's a turd.

US is ahead in medal count. Shock.

Sarcasm really doesn't do well online.

I miss my sister, but we both have infants and I never know when to call, especially since we never seem to have anything to talk about.

I finally decided on what I'm giving up for Lent. It's not going to be easy, but for the first time I think I'm giving up something that's really important to God. I don't think He really cares about what I've given up in the past, because it was never anything that really seperated me from Him. This year, I think I'm really beginning to understand what Lent is about, and how much of a journey it's supposed to be.

It's really sad when a government tax form says "Remember to write you Social Security number on you check."

It really sucks that we have to pay state taxes this year. Our federal refund more than covers it, but I induced for a reason!

And that was a short-lived victory, but I enjoyed it. Time to hold Wesley!

February 16, 2010

Pfizer? I have a great idea...

I'm very, very ill. It came on suddenly, and the doctor says there's no usable cure. I'll just have to live with it for the next 10 months or so, then the symptoms will slowly fade for the next 17 years. Then I might be free, but it's more likely that there will be a recurrence in the next few years, and the cycle will start again.

What is this horrible disease? Cabin fever. Normally, the cure would be to go away for a few days, or even a few hours, and have no responsibilities to deal with. That won't work when you have an infant, however, especially if you're breastfeeding. First I would have to have someone I completely trust to care for Wesley. I don't. Then I would have to go somewhere that would have a place for me to pump every two or two and a half hours so I could preserve my supply, which would be a responsibility. And finally, I would have to relax and trust that Wesley would not need me.

Therein lies the major downfall. If I really had to, I could drive to my mom's house and have her take care of him, and I could manage pumping, even while out and about. BUT, I know I could not relax for more than a couple hours. I would have to call to make sure he was okay, and if I heard him crying I would have to go to him. Even if he was okay when I called, when I did go back to him and he started to cry, as he inevitably would, I would feel horrible about leaving him and all the good would be undone.

So. Not much I can do. I just have to live with it, and hope I can find the strength to cope. I'm having trouble with not being able to eat when I'm hungry or sleep when I'm tired, or go shopping when I'm stressed, or put Wesley down when my back and arms hurt. I also miss typing with two hands. And milk. Wesley gets gas when I drink it.

I know I'll survive, but right now I really wish they made a cure for cabin fever in pill form.

February 14, 2010

Valentine's Expectations

It's amazing to me how having a child has brought me and Michael closer together. Though I've always known him well, I feel like all the things I knew have really sunk in.

I know he's not a romantic. I know he would like to be, because he knows how much I would appreciate a little more romance.

I know he's a good father. He doesn't have any experience, and he's learning slowly, but he is a good father and our kids will never understand how lucky they are to have him, because that's what being a good father is about.

I know he's a good son and brother. His family is going through a tough time right now, and he is there for them. From humoring his father to supporting his sister, he is there and he loves them.

I know he's not book smart. He doesn't like to read anything, and his reading comprehension isn't great. That's okay, I can cover that.

I know he's smart. He can look at anything mechanical, architectural, structural, or anything else like that, and probably figure out how to set it up, fix it, or make it better. That's good, because I'm completely clueless.

I know he has a good heart. He is a volunteer firefighter. He will go out of his way to help anyone who needs it.

I know he loves me. I know that love grew when Wesley was born, as mine did for him. I know that no matter what life or hell or our own personal demons throw at us, he will be there for me. I know that because I've already put him through hell, and he's still here.

Because of all of those things, and so many more, I know that Valentine's Day is not a huge deal. It used to be a big deal to me. So did my birthday and our anniversary and his birthday and Christmas. Now, they each have their own significance but they are not terribly significant to our relationship. If we have a bad day one year, there will be a next year, so long as we're both alive. If there isn't a next year, then one bad day, regardless of the day, will not define our relationship.

Yes, life changes when you have a baby, and that includes your expectations. I honestly don't care that we didn't do anything for Valentine's Day, except spend time at home together. Nothing special, and not particularly meaningful since we have done that every weekend since Wes was born. And yet, I'm not dissapointed, as I would have been last year. You know, I'm really starting to feel grown up. :)

February 5, 2010


Racing season is about to start again. Blech. This is a post I wrote last year at the start of the season, but I never hit the publish button. I've decided to bring you its brilliance now. :)

I have a confession: I live in the south and I hate watching cars go around and around in a circle. That's right: I think it's pointless to watch cars go around and around in a circle. I imagine you're already tired of the phrase 'watch cars go around and around in a circle.' Now you imagine how boring it is to be forced to watch cars go around and around in a circle.

He says he watches cars go around and around in a circle waiting for them to crash. He says it's only the crashes he really cares about. So why do we have to watch them go around and around in a circle before they crash? Why can't we just DVR the stupid race and fast forward and only watch the crashes? "Because we have to build excitement. You watch the cars go around and hear the announcers talking, you watch them race for position and develop their pit strategy. Then, suddenly, one announcer gets interrupted because there's a crash. There's 'the big one'." Yeah, sure, he only cares about the crashes.

I'm really glad NASCAR made the cars safer. Now they go around and around in a circle LONGER before they crash. Now the crashes aren't as big. Now, you might not even have 'the big one'. One day, we might even have a race with no crash at all. Will we watch that one? You betcha! We will have to figure out how all 43 cars avoided crashing for the entire race. How did they all go around and around in a circle without hitting each other?

I have the answer. All of the normal racers will have gotten sick from the food they all ate the night before. NASCAR wants to keep the fans happy and still have the race. Sponsers still want the money they spent to do them some good. So, someone comes up with an idea: substitute drivers. Who would be willing to race, though? Who loves these drivers so much that they would be willing to go around and around in a circle for HOURS for no good reason? Their wives/girlfriends/daughters. All of the male NASCAR people whisper, "Women? Can we do that? Will the fans be ok with that?" "We don't have a choice," they say to each other. "We'll have to use the women." *SIGH* "OK, we'll use the women."

January 28, 2010

Breastfeeding and a Chiropracter

Is a (slightly painful) adventure. I know it's not 'supposed' to hurt, but a lot of things aren't supposed to be the way they are. For me and my little barracuda, a little pain is a part of the process. And, I'll admit, sticking with it makes me feel like a little bit of a hero. Every time I go to the doctor or talk with anyone about breastfeeding, I'm congratulated and told how wonderful it is that I'm doing it. I really revel in that. It feels good to know that people know how hard it is and how easy it would be to give up.

Please don't get me wrong. I don't think formula feeding makes parenting any easier, and I don't think there's anything wrong with formula feeding. Whether breastfeeding doesn't work or isn't possible in the first place for whatever reason, the most important thing is making sure baby is fed. The only person I think worse of for not breastfeeding is my mother-in-law, but only because the only reason she didn't breastfeed was because she couldn't be bothered to educate herself. That said, if I switched to formula now, I would feel like I was giving up because it is working, despite the difficulties and minor pain.

Anyway, a great perk of breastfeeding is the group meeting I found for breastfeeding moms. If I find a job, it will definitely be at the top of my negotiation list to be able to continue going. Being able to pump at work will be more important, but hopefully I'll be able to find a job that will allow both.

That same group suggested I take Wesley to a chiropracter because he wouldn't eat on one side, sleep on his back, or eat without spitting up copious amounts. So I took him to the chiropracter, and all is solved. He still spits up a little, but not near as much. So my little squeaker is doing much better, and I am so happy! I know chiropractic care seems a little overboard for a newborn, but it is so worth it, and it was very gentle. It just looked to me like he was rubbing Wesley's back. :)