March 12, 2010

depression or baby blues?

I am struggling. I'm not sure if it's postpartum depression or just baby blues. The reason I am not sure is because some days (some hours) I'm okay, and other days (other hours) I'm not. When I feel like I've gotten enough sleep I'm usually okay, but not always. If I'm tired, I'm rarely okay. But the mood always goes away. When I'm down, I feel like I'm down more and more often and it's not getting better. When I'm okay, I'm generally happy and I feel like it's getting better, and I try not to think about the down times because I hope it won't come back.

This roller coaster is more than just physically draining, which doesn't help the sleep situation. Wesley won't sleep in his crib for more than two hours, and it's rare for him to sleep that long. Most of the time I'm lucky to get an hour, so I'm not getting a lot of sleep. It only takes about 30 minutes to get him back to sleep enough to put down, but I can only do that so many times in one night. And when I'm just too tired to do it anymore, I take him to bed with me.

I'm not letting myself become completely exhausted because I give up on the crib thing before that happens, but I'm not really getting enough sleep either.

So here's the question: which came first, the roller coaster of emotion or the unreliable amounts of sleep?

Somehow, I think having a job would actually help the emotional issues because I would have something else to focus on, but I don't have a job and I don't think having one would help with sleeping. I couldn't possibly keep trying to get him to sleep in his crib if I have to wake up in the morning, go to work and be useful.

But that's moot because I don't have a job offer anyway. So now I feel like I'm rambling, but the upshot is that I feel like this is never going to end, like I'm never going to be able to get enough sleep again, and I really miss my husband. I feel like I never get to see him and I certainly never get to sleep with him (in any way).

And through all of that, I feel so incredibly stupid and ungrateful. I have been given a wonderful gift in my little Wes-man. He is cute and wonderful and he's been ahead of the curve since he started lifting his head off my shoulder in the hospital. His social smile started around three weeks, and he's already trying to crawl and sit up (if he's mostly up anyway). He's my little genius and I am so blessed, so why can't I just be happy?


Gucci Mama said...

I remember feeling like this. It's overwhelming. Tiring. Not exactly what you expected. Draining. Difficult. Isolating. Then the guilt for feeling these things creeps in and makes everything worse. So many women feel this way; you are not alone, though I know it probably feels like it. I don't have an answer for you about whether it's "baby blues" or something more serious. If it's interfering with your life, making you miserable, keeping you up at night, I'd talk to your doctor. I did. What I was experiencing was just normal hormonal crap after giving birth but even hearing that and being assured that I was perfectly normal helped a lot. I started to do things just for ME, taking bubble baths, leaving the baby with James for an hour so I could read a book or get a pedicure, that kind of thing. As I started to take care of myself and get into the groove of new motherhood the feelings went away and I felt so much better. That's not to say it isn't still difficult, when my babies are three and almost one (how did THAT happen?) but I can be a healthy parent because I am a healthy woman. I think it would definitely be worth it to talk to someone about how you're feeling - your doctor, your mom, Michael, whathaveyou, just so you can "get it out there" and get some realistic advice on how to move forward. It's always nice to have a good support system.

Take care. You can shoot me an email if you ever want to talk/vent/ask questions/have an adult conversation.

Me said...

You can't beat yourself up :(

I couldn't change Kate's diaper for the first month of her life without crying. Seriously. She'd always choose that moment to go to the bathroom again and I'd end up a sobbing mess, unable to handle it.

The things hormones do to us aren't fun at all. Whether it's just baby blues or depression, I think you should try approaching your dr about it. They may have an idea of things that can help you and if it is depression you do need to get help sooner rather than later.

I am sorry :( Hope things get feeling better for you soon. If you need someone to talk to... :-)

mrs.boring stay at homer said...

Sleep. Sleep does wonders. Wonderful wonders!! Not having enough can do horrible horribles!

Even with my kids as old as they are, if I have a night where I am up more than down, it totally affects me the next day.

I say, go see your doctor. If anything, it will get you out of the house! Ha!

It can get easier, if you take time for yourself, like Gucci said. That will help!
I am not quite sure how old your little guy is or how you would feel about it but have you tried letting him cry it out? Laying him in his crib and letting him sooth himself to sleep? It would probably take a few nights before he got the hang of it but it might be worth it. Just a thought.

Good luck!! You can email me also if you need to! (
Take care, Jackie