February 25, 2010


I have always had issues with trust. I don't trust people to understand me, love me, or accept me just as I am. I don't trust that Michael won't get mad at me for the things I do or don't do, or that he trusts that I don't do things (or buy things) without reason. I don't trust that I can be a good mother, that I have enough discipline to lose the weight I want to lose, or that I can be a good wife for the rest of Michael's life.

I know that Michael loves me, but I don't trust it, so I read into his comments and pull out meanings he didn't even realize the words could have. I know that I have been given all the gifts and grace I need to conquer my earthly desires and be a good wife and mother, but I don't trust it.

Lately, God has been trying to get me to let go and trust. All of these issues come down to not really trusting Him. I don't trust that He has put people in my life who really love me. I don't trust that He has given those people the graces they need to put up with me. Somehow, even with everything that has been provided to me, I don't trust that He will provide me with everything I need.

I'm working on that. God is leading me into a deeper trust in Him. He has just shown me the need for it in the past few weeks, and I can feel Him working in my heart and mind, encouraging me to take the actions that show trust in a 'fake it until you make it' fashion.

That has always been my way. 'Fake it until you make it' is kind of a personal mantra. I have to do something before it can become real for me. One thing I do trust is that God knows that and He loves it about me. I think that's a really good place for this trust thing to start.

February 22, 2010

It's the little things...

That make you appreciate where you are in life. Little victories that you can claim and treasure. Right now, I'm happy to report that I am typing this post with two hands. A little victory made possible by the fact that Wesley is sitting in his bouncer seat, happily looking around and kicking.

I'm ignoring the fact that that's all I have to talk about regarding Wes, unless you want a diaper count, tales of nursing marathons thanks to an impending growth spurt, or the riveting saga of how long it took to get out of the house to go to church yesterday.

I shall assume you don't, and move on to random thoughts I've had over the past few days.

Lysacek won! Yay! Plushenko's a turd.

US is ahead in medal count. Shock.

Sarcasm really doesn't do well online.

I miss my sister, but we both have infants and I never know when to call, especially since we never seem to have anything to talk about.

I finally decided on what I'm giving up for Lent. It's not going to be easy, but for the first time I think I'm giving up something that's really important to God. I don't think He really cares about what I've given up in the past, because it was never anything that really seperated me from Him. This year, I think I'm really beginning to understand what Lent is about, and how much of a journey it's supposed to be.

It's really sad when a government tax form says "Remember to write you Social Security number on you check."

It really sucks that we have to pay state taxes this year. Our federal refund more than covers it, but I induced for a reason!

And that was a short-lived victory, but I enjoyed it. Time to hold Wesley!

February 16, 2010

Pfizer? I have a great idea...

I'm very, very ill. It came on suddenly, and the doctor says there's no usable cure. I'll just have to live with it for the next 10 months or so, then the symptoms will slowly fade for the next 17 years. Then I might be free, but it's more likely that there will be a recurrence in the next few years, and the cycle will start again.

What is this horrible disease? Cabin fever. Normally, the cure would be to go away for a few days, or even a few hours, and have no responsibilities to deal with. That won't work when you have an infant, however, especially if you're breastfeeding. First I would have to have someone I completely trust to care for Wesley. I don't. Then I would have to go somewhere that would have a place for me to pump every two or two and a half hours so I could preserve my supply, which would be a responsibility. And finally, I would have to relax and trust that Wesley would not need me.

Therein lies the major downfall. If I really had to, I could drive to my mom's house and have her take care of him, and I could manage pumping, even while out and about. BUT, I know I could not relax for more than a couple hours. I would have to call to make sure he was okay, and if I heard him crying I would have to go to him. Even if he was okay when I called, when I did go back to him and he started to cry, as he inevitably would, I would feel horrible about leaving him and all the good would be undone.

So. Not much I can do. I just have to live with it, and hope I can find the strength to cope. I'm having trouble with not being able to eat when I'm hungry or sleep when I'm tired, or go shopping when I'm stressed, or put Wesley down when my back and arms hurt. I also miss typing with two hands. And milk. Wesley gets gas when I drink it.

I know I'll survive, but right now I really wish they made a cure for cabin fever in pill form.

February 14, 2010

Valentine's Expectations

It's amazing to me how having a child has brought me and Michael closer together. Though I've always known him well, I feel like all the things I knew have really sunk in.

I know he's not a romantic. I know he would like to be, because he knows how much I would appreciate a little more romance.

I know he's a good father. He doesn't have any experience, and he's learning slowly, but he is a good father and our kids will never understand how lucky they are to have him, because that's what being a good father is about.

I know he's a good son and brother. His family is going through a tough time right now, and he is there for them. From humoring his father to supporting his sister, he is there and he loves them.

I know he's not book smart. He doesn't like to read anything, and his reading comprehension isn't great. That's okay, I can cover that.

I know he's smart. He can look at anything mechanical, architectural, structural, or anything else like that, and probably figure out how to set it up, fix it, or make it better. That's good, because I'm completely clueless.

I know he has a good heart. He is a volunteer firefighter. He will go out of his way to help anyone who needs it.

I know he loves me. I know that love grew when Wesley was born, as mine did for him. I know that no matter what life or hell or our own personal demons throw at us, he will be there for me. I know that because I've already put him through hell, and he's still here.

Because of all of those things, and so many more, I know that Valentine's Day is not a huge deal. It used to be a big deal to me. So did my birthday and our anniversary and his birthday and Christmas. Now, they each have their own significance but they are not terribly significant to our relationship. If we have a bad day one year, there will be a next year, so long as we're both alive. If there isn't a next year, then one bad day, regardless of the day, will not define our relationship.

Yes, life changes when you have a baby, and that includes your expectations. I honestly don't care that we didn't do anything for Valentine's Day, except spend time at home together. Nothing special, and not particularly meaningful since we have done that every weekend since Wes was born. And yet, I'm not dissapointed, as I would have been last year. You know, I'm really starting to feel grown up. :)

February 5, 2010


Racing season is about to start again. Blech. This is a post I wrote last year at the start of the season, but I never hit the publish button. I've decided to bring you its brilliance now. :)

I have a confession: I live in the south and I hate watching cars go around and around in a circle. That's right: I think it's pointless to watch cars go around and around in a circle. I imagine you're already tired of the phrase 'watch cars go around and around in a circle.' Now you imagine how boring it is to be forced to watch cars go around and around in a circle.

He says he watches cars go around and around in a circle waiting for them to crash. He says it's only the crashes he really cares about. So why do we have to watch them go around and around in a circle before they crash? Why can't we just DVR the stupid race and fast forward and only watch the crashes? "Because we have to build excitement. You watch the cars go around and hear the announcers talking, you watch them race for position and develop their pit strategy. Then, suddenly, one announcer gets interrupted because there's a crash. There's 'the big one'." Yeah, sure, he only cares about the crashes.

I'm really glad NASCAR made the cars safer. Now they go around and around in a circle LONGER before they crash. Now the crashes aren't as big. Now, you might not even have 'the big one'. One day, we might even have a race with no crash at all. Will we watch that one? You betcha! We will have to figure out how all 43 cars avoided crashing for the entire race. How did they all go around and around in a circle without hitting each other?

I have the answer. All of the normal racers will have gotten sick from the food they all ate the night before. NASCAR wants to keep the fans happy and still have the race. Sponsers still want the money they spent to do them some good. So, someone comes up with an idea: substitute drivers. Who would be willing to race, though? Who loves these drivers so much that they would be willing to go around and around in a circle for HOURS for no good reason? Their wives/girlfriends/daughters. All of the male NASCAR people whisper, "Women? Can we do that? Will the fans be ok with that?" "We don't have a choice," they say to each other. "We'll have to use the women." *SIGH* "OK, we'll use the women."