February 16, 2010

Pfizer? I have a great idea...

I'm very, very ill. It came on suddenly, and the doctor says there's no usable cure. I'll just have to live with it for the next 10 months or so, then the symptoms will slowly fade for the next 17 years. Then I might be free, but it's more likely that there will be a recurrence in the next few years, and the cycle will start again.

What is this horrible disease? Cabin fever. Normally, the cure would be to go away for a few days, or even a few hours, and have no responsibilities to deal with. That won't work when you have an infant, however, especially if you're breastfeeding. First I would have to have someone I completely trust to care for Wesley. I don't. Then I would have to go somewhere that would have a place for me to pump every two or two and a half hours so I could preserve my supply, which would be a responsibility. And finally, I would have to relax and trust that Wesley would not need me.

Therein lies the major downfall. If I really had to, I could drive to my mom's house and have her take care of him, and I could manage pumping, even while out and about. BUT, I know I could not relax for more than a couple hours. I would have to call to make sure he was okay, and if I heard him crying I would have to go to him. Even if he was okay when I called, when I did go back to him and he started to cry, as he inevitably would, I would feel horrible about leaving him and all the good would be undone.

So. Not much I can do. I just have to live with it, and hope I can find the strength to cope. I'm having trouble with not being able to eat when I'm hungry or sleep when I'm tired, or go shopping when I'm stressed, or put Wesley down when my back and arms hurt. I also miss typing with two hands. And milk. Wesley gets gas when I drink it.

I know I'll survive, but right now I really wish they made a cure for cabin fever in pill form.

1 comment:

Gucci Mama said...

I remember those days so I won't patronize you by saying something asinine like "it's worth it" or "it gets better". You know all that's true, but that doesn't mean things don't suck a little right now. It's OK to feel that way. Try to find something you can do just for yourself when Wesley is napping and don't let anything get in the way of that. This was hard for me to do, but once I did I rediscovered the little thing called "sanity". I think every new mother feels this way. You're not alone. ;)