February 25, 2010


I have always had issues with trust. I don't trust people to understand me, love me, or accept me just as I am. I don't trust that Michael won't get mad at me for the things I do or don't do, or that he trusts that I don't do things (or buy things) without reason. I don't trust that I can be a good mother, that I have enough discipline to lose the weight I want to lose, or that I can be a good wife for the rest of Michael's life.

I know that Michael loves me, but I don't trust it, so I read into his comments and pull out meanings he didn't even realize the words could have. I know that I have been given all the gifts and grace I need to conquer my earthly desires and be a good wife and mother, but I don't trust it.

Lately, God has been trying to get me to let go and trust. All of these issues come down to not really trusting Him. I don't trust that He has put people in my life who really love me. I don't trust that He has given those people the graces they need to put up with me. Somehow, even with everything that has been provided to me, I don't trust that He will provide me with everything I need.

I'm working on that. God is leading me into a deeper trust in Him. He has just shown me the need for it in the past few weeks, and I can feel Him working in my heart and mind, encouraging me to take the actions that show trust in a 'fake it until you make it' fashion.

That has always been my way. 'Fake it until you make it' is kind of a personal mantra. I have to do something before it can become real for me. One thing I do trust is that God knows that and He loves it about me. I think that's a really good place for this trust thing to start.


Gucci Mama said...

This was an issue I struggled with a lot - that I still struggle with if I'm being honest with you.

It's interesting to look back now and see these aha! moments in my life where God was teaching me to "let go and let Him". The ordeal with Ella comes to mind. I had absolutely no control over her health, I had no choice but to give it to Him and trust completely that His will be done and whatever the outcome I would survive it. It was the one of the hardest things I've done, to let go of that illusion of control, but I did it. It was a huge leap of faith but it has made a huge difference in my life as I apply the same principal to other areas. It's very difficult, but very freeing and rewarding.

Wishing you the best.

Beckie said...

I'm the same way. Once you begin trusting God with everything, you start letting go of a lot and start doing better and not worrying or stressing over things. At least that's where my mistrust comes into play-by using stress and worry. Just lean onto God and work on yoru reletionship with Him. Things, such as trust, seem to come along then. :)