November 24, 2009


Are all these hormones really necessary? Aren't the backache, heartburn, sleeplessness, constant thirst, overwhelming hunger coupled with a squished stomach and unrealistic cravings, and swelling enough to deal with during pregnancy? Why is it that when I'm trying to prepare for what is likely the biggest challenge of my life I have to be more insanely emotional than I usually am?

Michael can simply ask me how my day went or what I did, and I feel like he's interrogating me. I know he's not; he's just curious, like he's always been. It never really bothered me before. Now it pisses me off.

Then having that reaction makes me sad, so I start to cry. I think things like "A marriage shouldn't be like this" and "why am I so freaking nutty?" My life right now seems to be a study in contradictions.

I've always wished Michael would be a little more independent and need me a little less. I think he's making an effort to do that now, especially since he's not going to have a choice in a few weeks. (A few weeks? EEK!) But now when I see him do something that I would normally have done or he would have asked me to do, it makes me sad. And worse, it makes me feel bad, like I should have thought to do it for him and done it before he did.

I hear all the advice about realizing that you can't be superwoman and do it all by yourself. You can't take care of a husband and a baby and the house and yourself. I've always accepted that. I was never really sure where that help would come from, since my family is four hours away and I'll be on my death bed before I ask his mom for help. But, I figured that Michael and I could handle it together, maybe judiciously asking for help from select family friends while still making it clear that we were handling everything just fine.

But, I can feel that need to be superwoman and supermom coming on. I did not expect that, but I feel like I need to be able to handle everything by myself. I know that I can't, but I want to. I want to prove it to myself and everyone else that I can do this all by myself.

I have never felt that way about anything before, and I don't know what to do about it. How do you ask for help when you don't really trust anyone around you? My mom will be coming up for about a week, but then what? And Michael's cousins (sisters) have decided that they want to come spend some time with us sometime in January, and he doesn't see a problem with it. HELLO?!?! New infant, less than a month old, and they want to come spend the night in a house that already has very little room, and bring a toddler! I reminded the mom of the group that Wesley will certainly not be sleeping through the night at that time, and she responded that she's used to it. I didn't feel I could respond that I wasn't so much worried about her if she's stupid enough to want to come visit so early, but having to deal with her, her sister, her daughter, and an infant who will need to be fed every two to three hours is a little above and beyond the call of duty for me. I'll have to try to figure out how to get that message across.

So, I'm sure all this pressure I'm feeling to get everything right the first time isn't helping my crazy hormonal self, but I really wish the hormones would just go away, or at least back off a little. I've cried more in the last week than in probably the last year. Grrr.

November 20, 2009

Vocabulary and all that other proper English stuff

I freely admit that I am a word freak. When the congressman shouted out "You lie!" at the President and it was called an admonishment, I was very angry. I could care less that he did it, but it was not an admonishment. A scold, maybe, but an admonishment is supposed to be a genteel way of letting someone know you disapprove.

When my husband first mentioned the word 'pummies', I was perplexed. I asked him what a 'pummy' was, and he said the word is 'pummies', there is no 'pummy', and it refers to what's left after sugar cane stalks are ground for the juice. Fair enough, but the word always bothered me, since there really can't be a plural form of a word unless there is a singular form. This year I finally managed to find where the word came from. It's a regionalization of the word 'pomace', which refers to the solid remains from fruit that has been pressed or ground for its juice, mispronounced as 'pummies' and used with incorrect grammar so it seemed to be plural, and now refers solely to the waste from sugar cane in this area. This misuse has been around since the late 1800s, and still isn't in the regular dictionary (thank God). That makes me want to start a movement to strike 'pummies' from the local vocabulary and reinstitute use of 'pomace', but I know I losing battle when I see one.

I have the websites for the Mirriam-Webster and Oxford dictionaries bookmarked. I put the complete Oxford English Dictionary on my Christmas list every year (no luck yet, but it is expensive). I own at least three general dictionaries and two specialized dictionaries (medical and musical). I have been known to end up reading the dictionary after using it to look up one word and either having another word catch my eye or continuing to look up words within the definition of the original or subsequent words. New words bother me. I don't care if they put them in the dictionary, there is rarely a need for a new word. 'Truthiness' for example, is unneccessary. There is nothing wrong with the word 'truthful' or, if you must, 'truthfulness'. Chances are that if a word has been made up or 'coined', there is another word or form of a word that will do just as well and has actually been used for a long time. If 'pummies' isn't in the dictionary after approximately 150 years of use, we can certainly do without 'truthiness', even if it has been made popular by the ignorant.

Words that are not words also bother me. 'w00t' can not be a word because it contains numbers. I honestly don't care if people debase themselves and their language base with such idiocy, or if they use such idiosyncrasies occasionally because it's appropriate in that situation, but do not presume to call it a 'word' in the true sense. Words are composed of letters, and letters only!

So, all of that said, please let it also be implied that 'all that other proper English stuff' refers to grammar, syntax, punctuation and the like. Misuse of the English language in any form bothers me, but if I go into those other areas this post will never end.

My point? Well, I'm not sure I have one, but I was reading an article about the top words of the past few years (as rated by Mirriam-Webster) and words that have been added to the dictionary and it made me mad, so I blogged. :)

November 18, 2009


I'm sick. Only I'm not actually sick, it's 'only' allergies. And, when you're pregnant, there's not much you can take for allergies. What can you take? Benadryl. What does Benadryl do? Put me to sleep. Very few medications actually do, but Benadryl does. So I take Benadryl at night and pretty much just suffer during the day. So, since Saturday I've had a headache. Then on Monday the scratchy throat started. And I haven't had a full night's sleep in over a week, which isn't helping.

The good things? I'm not feeling so horrible that I can't do anything but watch TV. If I had a job, I'd still be going to work. I've been able to keep up with the few things I have to do, both for the DOL so I can continue to receive my unemployment and around the house so it stays relatively clean.

Also good: I can't seem to focus on my medical transcription course or on the home transcription work I was doing, so I'm getting caught up on my cross stitch. I finished a birth sampler for Wesley, and I'm currently working on a baby blanket for him. After that will be the three lab pups I have started for Michael but I had to put down for awhile because of the detail, and then the Mickey and Firefighter piece I was working on.

Have I mentioned that Michael is a volunteer firefighter? Part of the reason I can't get a full night's sleep. His pager and radio can't be set for just his department, so we get all of the fire and EMS calls for the entire county. ALL NIGHT LONG. We will have to come up with a solution before the baby is born, because I have a feeling that my child will sleep little enough without being woken in the middle of the night by an EMS call for some idiot who thinks stubbing his toe means he needs to call 911 for a broken foot. I'm not kidding, it's happened here, and he was later overheard telling someone he called so he could get a ride to Thomasville in the ambulance. He didn't have any other way to get there, you understand.

There was a point to this post, but I've forgotten it, so we'll leave it with I'm sick and pregnant and sleepy and feel sorry for me! Thanks!

November 11, 2009

Veteran's Day

My grandfather, father, father-in-law, and at least four of my uncles were in the military. My grandfather survived D-Day. My father, father-in-law, and uncles were in Vietnam. Once my father spoke to me about his pre-deployment training. That was the only time I ever heard from any of them about their experiences in the military.

But, when I stayed with my dad or uncles, I heard their occasional nightmares. I saw the haunted look in my father's eyes when I went to check on him the first time. I saw how sorry he was that he disturbed me. HE was sorry. I understood, but it made me sad, because he shouldn't have been sorry, but it was the way he was raised. My grandfather drank to deal with the memories, my dad, being a clean alcoholic, wouldn't. Nor did he smoke or turn into a bitter old man. He simply kept it to himself, the way he was taught a man should. I'm glad we're moving away from that.

The look was completely gone the next morning, and we never mentioned it. I never woke him again, unless I could manage it by making a loud noise or some other contrivance, rather than physically waking him up. I knew he would rather deal with the nightmares than know that I had heard him again.

I am proud of my family members who have served. I am proud of all who have served. Thank you. Thank you for your physical service, your emotional and mental trials and tribulations. Thank you for everything your family has been through. For the milestones you didn't deserve to miss, for the pain you didn't deserve to go through, and for the day-to-day joys you should have been able to be there for, thank you.

November 10, 2009


I have a very wiggly child. The doctor has me counting his movements after dinner. I'm supposed to feel ten movements in less than one hour. It usually takes about five minutes. When I took the chart to my last appointment, she asked me if I was sure I had the times recorded correctly. Then she referred to the ultrasound to be sure that I'm not having twins.

I'm not, which is good because the twin would have just appeared from nowhere and that would have been very strange. Still, he's very wiggly. I'm not sure he ever stops moving, though the pregnancy books all assure me that he has developed a sleep pattern. It is rather fun to watch my abdomen move, though. Sometimes I'm lopsided because of the way he's sitting. Or I'll be laying down and Harley will be curled up against me, and when Wesley moves Harley sits up and looks around like 'Who did that? I don't think there should be that kind of movement there...' It's very cute.

Occasionally, he does something that hurts, and that's not so fun, but I suppose it's all part of the 'joy of pregnancy'. The headache, backache, swelling, having to eat when you're not hungry, fatigue, and people asking constantly how the baby is. Seriously, people, he fine! He's where he's supposed to be, and while I'm not a doctor, I'm sure that's about all that's required for most babies to be fine before they're born. Even if something was wrong, I probably wouldn't be the one to tell you, and I certainly wouldn't be out and about so I could tell you. I would be at home or in the hospital, probably resting or possibly on bed rest, doing everything I could to make sure everything turns out ok. And if you're just trying to figure out how I'm doing by asking about my child, you can stop that right now, because it's not going to work. If I'm not doing well and you have to ask to find out, then you're not one of those people I would tell. I'm either forthcoming, without you having to ask, or you don't get to be one of those people I tell when I'm feeling like crap.

Anywho...I have a very wiggly child, and right now, it's very cute. Here's hoping that when he has more room to move, he decides it's just not worth it while I'm trying to change a diaper or clothing or hold him still for any multitude of reasons...I can dream, right?

November 3, 2009

How do adults make friends?

I love having all of my bloggy friends and connecting with other people like this. If I'm following your blog, you can be sure that I read it and laugh or cry with you as appropriate, even if I don't comment. I love that I have built-in advice and life stories from other women and mothers to rely on, especially in this form, because I can take your advice or decide to do something different without having to voice all the usual platitudes and worry about how it will affect our relationship. We only know each other over the internet and if either one of us offends the other, it's pretty easy to deal with, move on, forget, or whatever.

That said, I would like to have some real life friends too. My husband has more female friends in this area than I do. And he only has two! He occasionally talks with them online, and sometimes we go out as a group. However, I haven't found much in common with either of these ladies, and they're not the type of people I would seek out as my friends, especially since neither is married or has children and that's where I am in my life right now. I have the same problem with most of the friends I still have from high school. One or two of them are married and either have kids or are having kids, but I wasn't really close to them in high school and we're more Facebook friends than anything. I might make an effort if they lived here, but they don't.

So what do I do? How do adults go about making friends? We have childbirth class tonight, and I have a vague hope of meeting a couple there who is having their first child. Even if I do, though, I would have a clue what to do next. I saw my friends in high school and college during class or church. We rarely got together outside of that. If we did, it was generally because the other person suggested the plans and I only had to agree. I am essentially a loner, which is why blogging is such a great medium for me. But I feel like I need one or two good real life friends. I mean, doesn't everybody?

And if I were in a bigger city, I think I could find friends more easily. Every other person wouldn't have some connection to my husband's family, and every third or fourth girl wouldn't have dated, slept with, or know someone who has dated or slept with my husband. Okay, that's probably an exaggeration, but it's really annoying to feel like you're clicking with someone and you could possibly have a friendship and then you find out that her best friend in high school was the first person your husband slept with and she knows more about that experience because she was told all about it almost immediately and your husband "doesn't remember" (yeah right).

Yes, that really happened, but anyway, it's really frustrating to live in such a small community and have married into one of the more prominent families in the area. I even went to a few Council of Catholic Women meetings to try to find some friends, but everyone was older than me by at least 10 years, and half of them had some connection to the family. And the family isn't even Catholic! Grrr.

There are no bookclubs, there is no community orchestra or band, and I have no idea how to meet people. I met Michael online. I managed to meet one friend while I was in college, even though I had three roommates, took about fifteen classes in that time, and participated in the community orchestra and church youth group. I'm bad at meeting people and making friends.

I guess this is coming up right now because I could really use a supportive circle of friends right now. And I would love it if they were friends that were in the same stage of life as I am and don't know my in-laws or husband or husband's friends so that I can freely speak my mind without worrying about it getting back to them. But those kinds of friendships don't happen overnight, and I need some girlfriends now. Heh...sigh...