April 15, 2010

Here We Go...

I got the job. I'm processing it, and dealing with it. I know I'll survive, as long as Wesley is okay. So we'll see how daycare goes, and just as with the job search I'm praying for God's will to be done because I'm too partial to know which outcome to pray for.

Thankfully, Michael has decided that we will use a real daycare. He doesn't want a falling out with his aunt if something happens, and I'm just glad he finally heard me. I am slowly but surely learning how be a good wife and share my concerns in a way that allows Michael to change his mind and still let it be his decision. :)

Wesley has a sinus infection, but by Monday he should be feeling a lot better, because the doctor put him on antibiotics today. Oh boy, I start Monday and have to leave him with strangers before he's all better. I'll be okay, I promise.

Tomorrow I'm going to visit the daycares, make a decision, and get him set up. I would have gone today, but I didn't have anyone to leave him with, and I want to spend every minute with him anyway.

The last thing I'm worried about is being able to pump enough breastmilk. My new employer has more than 50 employees, so they have to let me pump. Still, I don't want it to be an issue because I don't want to be 'that employee'. So, I'm praying that I'll know the right words to say, and that they'll support my efforts to keep breastfeeding.

April 13, 2010

Trying to stay positive

I have a third interview/staff meet 'n' greet with a potential employer tomorrow. I am happy about this. I really am. It means Michael and I can start looking for land or a maybe a house that's already built. It means that if either of us needs a new vehicle at any time in the future we will be able to afford it. It means I can buy gifts for my family and friends without worrying about whether or not I'm spending too much money. It means I can stop following the progress of unemployment extensions being passed or delayed by Congress. It means that, at least while I'm at work, I'll be able to go to the bathroom, eat, and drink when I need or want to.

It also means that I have to entrust Wesley's care to someone else. Someone who won't do as good a job as I can. Someone who may not be willing to hold him so he sleeps when he needs to. Someone who might not be as responsive to his cries as I am. Someone who might put him in a walker. Someone who might think TV is a good way to keep him occupied. Someone who might let him sleep instead of waking him to eat because they didn't hold him so he could sleep before and when they finallly got him to sleep on his own they didn't want to wake him. Someone who might feel that letting him cry it out or (when he's older) spanking is appropriate.

I dreamt about the perfect daycare last night. One adult for every two babies, cameras in every room with live continuous internet transmission, a nursing/pumping room, separate refrigerator for breast milk, three infant rooms (napping/quiet, playing, and crying/fussy) with one permanent worker in each room aside from the one for every two babies, guaranteed tummy time every day, no walkers, no TV, and a nurse on staff. If we could find that, I might be okay.

Unfortunately, it doesn't exist, at least not here. So, I shall have to place my faith in God that Michael's aunt will be a good and honest caretaker and follow our rules even if/when she doesn't agree. I have to trust that if she can't do that or she feels she's not able to give him the care he deserves that she'll tell us. And I have to trust in my ability to recognize any negative changes in Wesley, discern the cause, and fix it.

March 24, 2010


Despite the rather gloomy mood of my last two posts, I have been feeling incredibly motivated the last few days. I'm motivated to lose weight, exercise, eat better, be a better wife and mother, find a job, grow closer to God and my family, and enjoy my life.

I feel as though I'm on the edge of a cliff, and my choices are to walk away and keep my feet firmly on the ground, or jump just to see if I can grow wings and fly. Maybe now is the time in my life that I should jump, because I've spent my life walking away. But now, I don't two solid options to choose between. I don't really even have two options, or anything to choose. I still feel like jumping. I think I'll jump and find out what I'm jumping into.

March 23, 2010

In His Hands

My brother-in-law has cancer. This is his third, and most aggressive, recurrence. He is in God's hands, and it seems as though he is being called home.

He is scheduled for a clinical trial in about one week, but his doctors say they can only delay the inevitable. This time, the cancer is too aggressive and in too many places.

So we are praying for a miracle, and for acceptance of God's will. Please pray for him and his family. Thank you!

March 12, 2010

depression or baby blues?

I am struggling. I'm not sure if it's postpartum depression or just baby blues. The reason I am not sure is because some days (some hours) I'm okay, and other days (other hours) I'm not. When I feel like I've gotten enough sleep I'm usually okay, but not always. If I'm tired, I'm rarely okay. But the mood always goes away. When I'm down, I feel like I'm down more and more often and it's not getting better. When I'm okay, I'm generally happy and I feel like it's getting better, and I try not to think about the down times because I hope it won't come back.

This roller coaster is more than just physically draining, which doesn't help the sleep situation. Wesley won't sleep in his crib for more than two hours, and it's rare for him to sleep that long. Most of the time I'm lucky to get an hour, so I'm not getting a lot of sleep. It only takes about 30 minutes to get him back to sleep enough to put down, but I can only do that so many times in one night. And when I'm just too tired to do it anymore, I take him to bed with me.

I'm not letting myself become completely exhausted because I give up on the crib thing before that happens, but I'm not really getting enough sleep either.

So here's the question: which came first, the roller coaster of emotion or the unreliable amounts of sleep?

Somehow, I think having a job would actually help the emotional issues because I would have something else to focus on, but I don't have a job and I don't think having one would help with sleeping. I couldn't possibly keep trying to get him to sleep in his crib if I have to wake up in the morning, go to work and be useful.

But that's moot because I don't have a job offer anyway. So now I feel like I'm rambling, but the upshot is that I feel like this is never going to end, like I'm never going to be able to get enough sleep again, and I really miss my husband. I feel like I never get to see him and I certainly never get to sleep with him (in any way).

And through all of that, I feel so incredibly stupid and ungrateful. I have been given a wonderful gift in my little Wes-man. He is cute and wonderful and he's been ahead of the curve since he started lifting his head off my shoulder in the hospital. His social smile started around three weeks, and he's already trying to crawl and sit up (if he's mostly up anyway). He's my little genius and I am so blessed, so why can't I just be happy?