April 13, 2010

Trying to stay positive

I have a third interview/staff meet 'n' greet with a potential employer tomorrow. I am happy about this. I really am. It means Michael and I can start looking for land or a maybe a house that's already built. It means that if either of us needs a new vehicle at any time in the future we will be able to afford it. It means I can buy gifts for my family and friends without worrying about whether or not I'm spending too much money. It means I can stop following the progress of unemployment extensions being passed or delayed by Congress. It means that, at least while I'm at work, I'll be able to go to the bathroom, eat, and drink when I need or want to.

It also means that I have to entrust Wesley's care to someone else. Someone who won't do as good a job as I can. Someone who may not be willing to hold him so he sleeps when he needs to. Someone who might not be as responsive to his cries as I am. Someone who might put him in a walker. Someone who might think TV is a good way to keep him occupied. Someone who might let him sleep instead of waking him to eat because they didn't hold him so he could sleep before and when they finallly got him to sleep on his own they didn't want to wake him. Someone who might feel that letting him cry it out or (when he's older) spanking is appropriate.

I dreamt about the perfect daycare last night. One adult for every two babies, cameras in every room with live continuous internet transmission, a nursing/pumping room, separate refrigerator for breast milk, three infant rooms (napping/quiet, playing, and crying/fussy) with one permanent worker in each room aside from the one for every two babies, guaranteed tummy time every day, no walkers, no TV, and a nurse on staff. If we could find that, I might be okay.

Unfortunately, it doesn't exist, at least not here. So, I shall have to place my faith in God that Michael's aunt will be a good and honest caretaker and follow our rules even if/when she doesn't agree. I have to trust that if she can't do that or she feels she's not able to give him the care he deserves that she'll tell us. And I have to trust in my ability to recognize any negative changes in Wesley, discern the cause, and fix it.

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