September 9, 2008


It's official. I'm busier than ever at my job, and my old friend has followed me here. You see, I have a problem with commitment to any particular project. If it's not complicated enough, I get bored. If it's too complicated, I get frustrated and then get bored. The latter is far more depressing, because I don't measure up unless I think really hard. Which, frankly, is not something I'm fond of.

It's not that I'm shallow or unintelligent, you understand. I entered college as a sophomore due to my work in high school; I thoroughly enjoy educational pursuits. If I had my way, I would be a perpetual student. Life, and money, got in the way of that goal.

The problem, I think, is finding something that I'm passionate enough about to continue perpetually. I can stay committed to something for months or years at a time without getting burned out. When I do finally get to the burn-out stage, however, it's not pretty. I explode and then I'm finished. I want nothing more to do with that project for years. Music, specifically playing the flute, is the most spectacular example of this. As I neared the beginning of my senior year, I was playing with an expertise I had never dreamed of, and naturally chose music as my course of study. I had studied the flute since the summer before my sixth grade year, all told for about 7 years. By the time college auditions rolled around, I was burned out. I wanted no more to do with it, and therefore, while I did my best, it was no where near the peak of my performance. I still play occasionally, but less often then I would like. I still enjoy playing, but it's also depressing: just another failed project, after all the time and effort I put into it.

Here again, I have found a wonderful job, and great people to work with, but I'm bored with it, and have been for some time. I enjoy my work during my busiest time: billing. This only lasts for about 4 days, however. The rest of the time I mostly deal with complaints from clients and search for things to do. I do have other responsibilities, but they are boring, and accomplished with very little effort, so that I barely notice I'm working. And while I enjoy the billing, I absolutely despise the responsibility that comes with it. I was trained by someone who mostly knew how to bill by rote, and did not have time to teach me anything beyond the procedure before she left. I must learn as I go. The problem being that every mistake I make seems to result in either a very upset client, one or more very upset bosses, lost income for the company, or any combination of the above. I have discovered some interesting things from my mistakes, some that I doubt my predecessor knew, but I still have the angry clients, annoyed or angry boss(es), and possible lost income hanging over my head. These things are not conducive to a calm work environment.

While I do get angry about this, I don't stay angry. The anger transmutes into boredom. Boredom makes me want to do things other than my job while I'm at work. I don't, but I want to, which leads to frustration, which leads to even more boredom. It's a vicious cycle.

1 comment:

Ross said...

It's comforting to hear that someone else still has to learn as they go, even though that may lead to some mistakes. At the bookstore, even though i've been shown how to operate the till, it seems like something i'll never fully learn. That's because of all the different cards and stuff people can use to pay - it's like each card has a different procedure. And there's other stuff, besides the till.