March 24, 2009


I am so proud of myself. I'm back on my diet. :) It's been rough going the past couple of months, but I'm determined to beat my emotional eating and learn to deal with enjoy exercising. I know I need to do this for myself, and it's getting easier and easier to read my emotional triggers for what they are.

A big part of this for me will be learning to not stress over things I have no control over, like the number of hours in the day. I also need to recognize those situations I stress about that should actually be a comfort and a release from stress, like spending time with Michael. I think I'm beginning to see myself more clearly than I have in the past, and I'm trying to shift from excuses and blame to truth and support.

When they say losing weight is a life-style change, they aren't kidding, but it's not just about the food you eat and your activity level. If you're an emotional eater, have been overweight for your whole life or a long time, or have a low level of self-esteem, it's an outlook and attitude change as well. You might be able to lose some weight for other people, or so you can look great at this wedding or that social event, but eventually you will stop losing weight because you're not doing it just for yourself. And that doesn't mean beating yourself up about it because you know you're unhealthy or look fat. It means that you have to recognize that you are worth all the time you spend measuring ingredients or portion sizes, fitting exercise into your day, and buying the healthy foods you need and the new clothes you have to buy when you lose weight. Very simply, you are worth it! That is where I have been struggling. I don't think anyone specifically thinks the words "I'm not worthy of this" or "I don't deserve this", but when we try to lose weight or change our lives for anyone or anything but ourselves, we are putting ourselves in last place. For some things, that's exactly where we need to be: humility and servitude help us carry out God's will, and without them we would never have peace in anything. When it comes to doing something that requires a life change, however, we must learn to put ourselves first in that thing. We can recognize the benefits to everyone else, but we must understand that the primary beneficiary is 'you', the person doing the changing. And you must be okay with that. If you are not, if your main reason for making a change in your life is someone or something else, then it will not stick.

So, my reason for doing all of this is me. And I know I will continue to struggle with that. If I didn't, I would fear for my soul. But I know I have to do this, because I need it for my life. Like any wife or mother, I must learn to recognize that crucial point where the benefits of putting yourself last no longer outweight the benefits doing something for yourself, and the benefits of doing something for myself, in fact, reach far beyond me and impact everyone around me in a positive way. It's a tightrope I've heard many women talk about, I just never expected it could be so difficult.

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