Baby Blues

I want a baby. I really, really, really want a baby. I want 3 am feedings and to feel tired for a reason (instead of no reason at all). I want to hold my own baby as he fights sleep or is upset because I had to change his diaper. I want all the good and bad of motherhood. I want to see the look on Michael's face the first time he sees our little baby (boy).
I want a boy first. I want my little girl to have a big brother. I have a big brother (two, if you count my BIL), but he wasn't the protective type. We just weren't that close, I think because of the divorce. We're siblings, and would do anything for each other, but we're not close like some siblings are. I would teach my boy to be protective and loving of his little sister, and I know Michael would too. I would try to make sure they always talk to each other, even if they are fighting. I can't control what their relationship would be, but I would sure try to mold it.
Then a girl. "Thank heaven for little girls" is all I have to say about that.
Then, if Michael and I want another one, it wouldn't matter. Let me clarify: it won't matter anyway. I would just rather have a boy first. Either way, I want a baby.
My boss and his wife are having a little girl, their first child. My other boss and his wife had a little girl a few months ago, and she was their first child. Maybe that's what started my baby fever. Still, Michael really wants a child too.
I'm determined to shed the weight first, though. I want to be healthy for my child(ren). I have 54 more lbs to lose before I'll feel healthy enough to have kids. Wanting children so badly just makes me more determined.
Losing Weight Not Sanity