June 20, 2008

Disturbing Dream

I had a very disturbing dream last night. If I were single it would not be disturbing. But I am not single, I'm as far from single as you can be, and so it was very disturbing.

I was in college, single, and I was thinking about taking a certain course the next semester. I was very unsure about this course, because it sounded boring, but it had the potential to be interesting if taught by the correct professor. So I asked my guidance counselor if I could sit in on the class for one or two sessions during the current semester to see how I liked it. He contacted the professor and I received permission to do so. And I did.

I also liked what I saw. Not just in the course, but in the professor as well, who was young and had a very distinctive English accent. I don't know what possessed me to do so, but I chose to stay after class during one of the sessions I observed so I could speak to him. I told him I was very impressed by the course and would likely put it on my schedule for the next semester. He confided that he wasn't going to be the one teaching the course the next semester; he was here on sabbatical from his job in England, and couldn't stay away from teaching. He had decided to take on one course, and that having only one would be enough of a break that he could return to his regular job feeling rested and able to take on his full load again. We spoke for several hours and he finally asked me if I was really a student there. I told him yes, I was. He looked down for a minute and said 'That's too bad. I know dating students is frowned upon at my university in England, I'm sure they look at it the same way here.'

I won't bore you with all of the things we said about how we wished we could be together, but the upshot is that we came up with a plan. I flew with him to England at the end of his sabbatical and enrolled in a university where he didn't teach. Unfortunately, that didn't work. Apparently, at least in my dream world, the universities in England don't want any professors dating any students regardless of different institutions. Especially if there is a ten-year age difference, as there was with us. We already had an apartment together and were heading steadily toward marriage, so we decided to go back to the U.S. and get married, and then it wouldn't matter because we wouldn't be 'dating'. We decided to live in the U.S. because he didn't have any family he was particularly close to (an uncle here, a cousin there) and I missed my family terribly.

The flight back was really strange. He and I flew back with a friend who was also getting married and moving to the U.S. and her fiance. The strange part was that the plane was more like a flying warehouse with all kinds of goods and such that the U.K. was exporting to the U.S. This didn't strike me as strange while I was dreaming, however. The flight back went smoothly, as did the small, private wedding. I had decided I wanted a small wedding, and the dress was exquisite (and expensive). We found an apartment very quickly, and he found a job and I re-enrolled in my previous university. The dream ended one night while we were getting ready to count coins. When I say 'getting ready' I mean that my money was pretty much counted before he even took out his wallet. I might have even been able to count my money twice. But I woke up.

Well, first I partially woke up, felt really guilty about the dream and then thought Michael and I were in the process of counting the money. Still in the grips of the dream, I didn't realize he wasn't even awake.

Then I fully woke up and everything hit me: I was married, my husband was still asleep, and I'd had a very detailed dream about an English professor who was not as boring as that title makes him sound. When I say very detailed, I mean it. If I had written the whole story this post would be way to long to publish. This guy and I had a life together, there was a story line and regular day-to-day stuff like the laundry and cleaning.

If this had just been a flitting dream like I normally have I don't think I would be too disturbed by it. But this was more like a book than a dream. And I'M MARRIED! I basically cheated on my husband (trust me, that's in the Bible too; impure thoughts regarding someone other than your spouse is being unfaithful). What makes it worse is the kind of thoughts I'm having this morning; they just randomly pop in my head. "I wonder if I can find grounds for an annulment." "Could I divorce him and marry someone else outside the Church?" And I keep getting different scenes from the dream in my head. Scenes where I'm deliriously happy just doing the laundry or watching him walk in the door when he comes home from work.

But I'M MARRIED! Lord help me.

1 comment:

leezee52 said...

I say you can't be accountable
for what you dream! It's uncontrollable....ok you're off the hook!!!